Congratulations, Auris, you made it

 You made it through yesterday

one of the hardest days so far.

its the abyss. knowing I will be separated, its already started. the phone being dry, no calls coming in.

the lack of concern, the lack of compassion, the distance that has become normal.

cesar, Lesly, mom, the lack of care, of concern. its okay to not call, its okay for me to not come to the birthday. no one wondered if my life had fallen apart again.

their lives are things that are held up by time and consistency.

mine is like a tragedy of Odysseus, will I lose the job? will I lose my place? will someone kick me out? who is to say? its different when your life is lived under different rules.

its not just picking the major or the decision to be single. is it really a decision when God says to wait for your mate? who knew obeying God would come to such a price? X is housed but shes in an ungodly union. I used to watch shows and be jealous of the character. I would think, they get to live somewhere. 

yes the have a job, yes it takes a lot of time. but they get to live somewhere. 

such a simple thing that you elevate once it becomes a hard thing. and the people at church, Mynor, he repaid my kindness with abuse and yelling and kicking me out. The last day he threatened me. He kept moving with his life. took my kindness, accepted me paying for the key. He felt weird because I was silent when I accepted his ride. I spoke just enough. But I am not a clown, I am not always 'on.' He mistook everything, thought I was so cool. I didn't mean to be cool. I just am.

Like living there meant access. It did not. He's a man, I remember the day he walked into my room. I was thinking who the fuck this nigga think he is? The door was open, we were installing a AC. He walked in and we all talked. when I brought a guest, Natalie's brother, he was helping me move in. He walked into the living room and hugged Mynor. Turns out they know each other for a long time. He also knew Hugo. 

Mynor was full of fear. He projected all his fear unto me. He got paid rent, then the whole thing fell apart. He said you're not gonna do me how you did Hugo! He was acting like I didn't save him from losing his place I just got. It's so interesting the stories people make up in their head. 

Zari went hard on me when I didn't pay the rent. she said you should have paid the rent. I was not cleaning up after this guy's shit anymore. That was my stance on it. How disrespectful. I dlean, I fix, use all my money and my time to maintain this home. then this guy was always trying to talk to me at night. It became burdersome. When I had the car, he asked if he could borrow it. I could not imagine what made him feel like that was appropriate thing to ask me. I don't know you LIKE THAT.

Fuck out of here. The lady, in the meeting we sat next to each other. She asked me for help and I obliged. I treated her like a human being. She felt comfortable asking me for help, its not in her spirit that she did anything wrong. Maybe so much time has passed that she think what she did was right.

I have never dealt with people in this way, it reminds me of New Brunswick and when the girls wanted me to get out and move out. they didn't like me living here. it felt like rejection, of course, for sure. I am the girl that has been counted out. The nice person that is treated like a witch. 

If beauty and kindness and gifts was a sin, well take me in. But the truth is, you cannot earn people liking you. and no matter how nice you are, people don't owe you shit. The barbershop and cafe were havens, because there were no safe spaces in Bayonne.

I would go to Soir's house, I went 2 or 3 times. After me not going to the event, she was very upset. I had to be true to myself. I was happy I stood up for myself. I felt bad because I could not change her disappointment regarding it. 

I am taking on this new identity, this of New York. It makes me want to write a book. I was thinking of a panel and the book being called "Abuse is not OK" and I was thinking the genius of it. Everytime someone mentioned the book, they had to say, abuse is not OK. the best message anyone can think of. For real.