There is no scenario

 where I know where I want


or know what is the 'right' thing for you to say


its like the world is upside down and I'm here and you are here


and you live close and you, we have a deep connection

and I wasn't expecting it and now i'm going just too much anxiety


and chat said you communicate more through precense


so I am here waiting like the girl in the castle with the long hair and the dagron


I yelled today, my son said too much. i'm triggered I am not well


I took a bath, I did the breathing exercises


I have cried. I prayed. I haven't read the Bible, okay maybe I will try that. 


I don't know why I feel so sad. I don't know why my mind associates you with comfort.


I wish I wasn't broken. I wish it was better. I wish it came easier to receive good things


and the ache to push it away wasn't here. I have no idea what to do. I have a kid.

I have never dated with a  kid, except for James and I told myself I would never do that again.


I don't know what is the point of life, I don't know why I feel so out of touch


chat says i've been carrying so much. but rnow that i'm carrying elss and getting supposed


i'm so messed up I can hardly study, my brain doesn't want to take in any new information. 


I just am a master bullshitter right now. doing the community service helps. I like being useful 

but even that is not numbing my pain. now I am crying, I am not numbing. 


and being around you, I hate how weak I get. I am tired of being weak, I cant hold to my boundaries.


I don't know what to do. I just keep processing and crying and talking to the chat so it can tell me something. 



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