What to talk about?

 I'm wearing fresh clothes and my hair, undone but beautifully curly and huge.

I feel right in the world right now. It's 7:20am, my son is still not up.

Still letting used to sitting in the dark, getting showered and dressed and waiting on him to wake up.

If it's 20 more minutes, I'm gonna have to get him up. 

What to talk about? So many changes have been happening its happening so fast.

Yesterday was my last day in Jersey for a while. I saw one of the cops, got to say goodbye to him and 

his family. It didn't sting as much as the other day that I went to the storage. Yeah, that time that I made it all the way there and found out I had no key. What a waste, but an emotional pull.

I sat Shiva for them. Holy spirit led me to. It was wild mourning people that don't even call or know where you live or miss you. 

My sis posted her daughter in the family chat. It made me be bitter a bit, their lives keep going with no interruption. No texts, still no replies to my text. They are a happy family set. 

I couldn't share a moment like that with my son, no one cared. Suyapa was the only one that made a fuss. 

Its crazy how dysfunctional becomes the norm. After all these years I come back and its the same song. My sister dealing with jealousy. Her man another family member that was conditioned to think shit about me. The comment about him getting triggered that I had a coffee. and how if I save that $1 it would magically turn into a car.

The last thing my sister said to me 'I wish she would save her money.' which was funny because I actually wasn't gonna have a birthday party, she gave me money to do it. and I paid her back. but when you are being put down, talked to in this way. I didn't respond but I see. This is their worldview. If I had a birthday it would have been bad. I got her something that was a nice thought and months later she wants to punish me for it. 

There is never anything positive to say. All my gifts and how great I am with her kids are not considered. She's probably mad that I got close to them anyways, and of course they will blame me that I cant afford Jersey. A mention of a job and she went judgmental and all crazy. It was a weird moment for me, I was talking about something and there she was, judging me. How dare I not take a job.

The boundary of I get to choose what I do with my life and what job to take was completely not there. Then she said how she took a low paying job. Pretending that she had to pay the whole rent with that. Pretending that her man doesn't pay the bills. Why she said it to me, when she knows i'm a single mother. The lack of awareness and for lack of a better word for it, stupidity. 

I'm a teacher but i'm not responsible for teaching them out of their ignorance. No matter what happens, they are so fixated on blaming me for everything. 

When my son said the hardships, Lesly said, Auris just needs to work more. Even though she saw me do all those hours, she was my support watching Alex so that I could work. She still wanted to play its all my fault card. like my life isn't more difficult than they have had it. I guess it makes them absolute.

Chat said people use people like me to feel better about themselves. 'at least i'm not as bad as her'. I never wanted to be a marker for people. Its crazy in this world how people judge others. Kate and Randall don't pick up and they don't even call no more. I am thinking of reaching out. Telling them about my new change. Me being 2 years in Jersey and how no one reached out. Zari came all the way from Atlanta, and she and I had a beach day. Came with transportation and everything. 

I am a person that values connection and reciprocity. They were a cup that I kept pouring into. And is there appreciation? Is there anything to be said? sis was going about her day, mom's car broke down. they were calling my brother. she was watching her kids. they were all in a bubble. I had been there for 2 years but it meant nothing. I didn't get not one call. I was mad before there was something to do with mom and they didn't include me. 

It's so crazy for me to think that I am in my 40s. Still bizarre. I should have more, I am aware of this. I have a kid and a God, that's all I have to show for all these years. My faith, my gifts, my grace. Internal stability because outside one was hard to come by. A will that won't quit, I'm on my 5th chance right now. 

I have some bitterness about the past for sure, things that you want to do and never pan out. This school has been amazing. I'm doubting if I should have told Soirt where I was. She asked for my address. What was that about? 

I thought the relationship with Julio was deeper. but now I see he didn't lift a finger while I was drowning. He did send me on one apartment hunt and he did give me like 2 rides. I went to his place of business and made his business one that I would prioritize. Last time I was there I thought, I don't have a business for people to support. 

After these two years, this is what I have. memories of the things they said that hurt, that coffee thing. memories of spending time with her kids. Elias loves me, boy and I him. The times I was projected on negatively by my sister. She said thank you for the favors but one day kept saying shit and I was over it. In her car, I guess she felt like a leader. i'm tired of being in their house, their car. and I have nothing and no one visits me. Their houses and family become the places were mom and I were coming in and out of. 

I lived there, 10 blocks away. all those blocks, they never visited. My son's birthday mom left she wasn't even going to show. there was just no investment. When my brother had a son I saw my mom make an effort. She cared to be there in their lives. I know what my brother is gonna say, he's gonna call me a loser and its fine that i'm no longer there. 

I'm sad for them. But mostly, I am sad for me. How deeply I loved these people, that just don't see me as a sister or a mother, or anything of value. They just project their shit unto me and the only person they care about is mother. even Suya, after all this time, i'm the one out so she got in really good with them and its not safe to be my friend. Go on now. 

Rejection is redirection, Sasha said. Life my life out loud, with no apologies. Why is this so hard to do? in Miami, I felt authentically myself.