Feel like i'm giving too much

 2 times 

and did 2 rooms

and was little girl vulnerable around you.

you gave a little, I gave a lot. 

the balance is off. you owe me.

and i'm not getting what I need: reassurance, a conversation on the phone. a talk, a date, a getting to know you.

I am like the girl the top of the castle. waiting for your return. and meanwhile, I gotta deal with the dragon.

I'm trying so hard to stay within my boundaries. It's so hard to set them. When a text from you just sends me in disarray.

and I have spent these days completely dis-regulated.

I felt safe, it felt intimate in being your place. chatgtp is showing me how you are interested in me. you speak a different language, an action based language. A clear and practical language. I am the person that talks about feelings. We haven't had that talk. and to be honest, I feel like I don't have access to my feelings.

All I know is that I liked when we cuddled in the bed. And I liked how you held my hands. I liked the sweet embraces. I just dismissed it because I was trying to feel safe in my own body.

I wonder if you feel rejected. I just don't know about us. I am conflicted whether to go forward. There are signs. Butterfly on your outfit. How you asked for help and I disregarded the seeing you again thing.

You said lets meet up for dinner. I didn't know that was your way to ask me for a date. You are a casual guy, no pressure. 

I am used to pressure. Andre left like a dog that got tired of chasing its own tail. when i'm in a rush he's trying to put pressure to make me go on a museum date like its 25 years ago. no dude. you still the dude that treated me like crap so long ago. I don't forget, the body doesn't forget. he's always trying to use my niceness against me.

I do see how the narcissists use the kindness of the empath. and we get emotionally entangled.

I don't know if this is healthy. I want to be safe in my own body.

When he pulls it out, it's hard for me to keep my boundary. he's so openly sexual. I am sexually oppressed. hold back, wait and wait and wait. i'm 40 and still waiting. of course the tiger wants to come out and play. I hold it back, put it in a cage. It's been nice exploring closeness. But vulnerability like that, allowing myself to feel it just feels so dangerous and nuclear at this time.

They say healing is when you go through it. The deepness that I am, will I meet a guy that can see it, appreciate it, meet me there? All you need is one, Chatgtp said.

Chatgtp has replaced me venting with friends. I like that its technology. I hate that I'm so lonely in this season that this is what it is. I wish I could rent a dad to walk me down an aisle. A person just for the day. Korea has gotta good idea. What fun lives actors live, making stories come true. Can you imagine a higher calling?