Silence is so loud

 When you are looking for connection

we shared such deep moments


and the silence afterwards is silencing

I am comforting myself, had to learn how to do that


I never been this anxious. or was it int he past I didn't notice it?

I am not sure. am I changing? definitely so.

a simple hug can send my whole world off its axis

a comfort, a laugh between friends, a slap on the butt

Who knew the simple intimacy can be so much?


when I walk the streets, I'm looking off to the side. 

I am still sad. Yesterday was first day, not all day crying. 

life happenes. uncle did. I haven't seen him since I was what? 16, 17

I bet. all the things I missed by not being a millionaire yet.


Are you mad enough? Are you pushed to the ground enough?

I don't know, this class is my hail Mary, the thing that's gonna help me dig myself out.

and it still sounds like French. all my brain wants to do is sing songs and pretend its a performer.

technology and its many terms is hard for me. but today, today is a new day.


I can study, I can create index cards. I was trying to give myself credit, 

my life lately has been in a disarray. when has that ever stopped me?

for the first time in my life, its hard to focus

I AM  A BAD STUDENT right now

and its messing up with my identity and how I look at myself.


I prayed against sabotage, and my body's urge to rest. I know gave in to the rest.

But at some time, I need to pick up the place. Maybe clean the house, start there. I finally was

able to shave. If I can get my hair products, that will be great. 

Zari said not to tell him what's going on, I think that's great.

Enough vulnerability going on. I'll keep some things to myself. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Compromising

Image
Who am I? Who are you? Are you pretending, just like I am too? Then there is a pair of us, don't tell!!! Then they will know, then they will see... Just like Adam saw Eve and they hid because they saw that they were naked and were ashamed.   So why are we ashamed? To be who we are? Why do we settle? To please others at the compromise of ourselves. Why, oh why, does this tale go this way? Like Don Quijote, I've been searching for  adventures,  but no worries hasn't taken me 700  pages to get to it.  I am still walking through this  life and today I   made a choice:  I will not  compromise, just like my  roomate Faith would  say  'Never settle for  less.'  Because when you settle  oh boy, t he good  thing you were waiting for, now  you won't get it.   But when you refuse to settle  you  are walking  along this road  and then one day  ...
Read more

Single Mom budget travel FINISH THE PODCAST

 ** Lives my dream** Interesting-  She lost her job. She got child support. She always had 2-3 jobs lived in LA. Plan was to travel full time for a year. She had no savings, she didn't know she was getting fired.  They were middle class. Son was in private school, both parents paid for that.  Son said his friends lived in million dollar mansions. They rented a condo.  She had a part time job, already had for a decade. Dad paid child support. Both kept them afloat while they were traveling.  ***We can pay her to do financial plan and travel plan*** where are we gonna go? how are we gonna get there?  FIRST THING- DECIDING THAT YOU REALLY ARE GOING TO DO IT.  instead of just a wish. Im doing this from the point of view of I pay for everything myself.  I knew we wanted to do this. i really planned, I made a vision board. Cut out places I wanted to see. I was so committed to it. got offered a gig hosting a festival, that was a big sum of cash. I s...
Read more

Lexi and Tim Ross

 LEXI -Seen prophets charge 999 to get in line. and their gift leaves. that's crazy, you not supposed to charge for that. WHAT IS IT ABOUT GOD THAT HE CALLS PEOPLE TO DO THINGS THAT THEY DONT WANT TO DO, AND WHEN THEY DO IT, THEY BLESSED. What is it? is it out of obidience? It's in your heart to give to people. BLESSED becuase of soemthing you answered that you didnt want to do. its not podcast because God will bless anything. BLESS OTHERS. That's always been what Tim Ross has been about.  I let you aurthor your book. put people around you that have fresh ideas. I choose the vehicle to do that through. Its about you being obidient to the father, stop doing this. close the church. i can do more through this. you thought this was big? TRUST ME AND I GOT IT. TRUST ME AND I GOT IT. TRUST ME AND I'LL BLESS PEOPLE.  You want people to do the work, to have famiy like you, to have financial stability, i konw your heart, i know what you want. STOP WORRYING SO MUCH. STOP WORRYING...
Read more