Friendship on the Chat-LISTENING TO ME IS A PRIVILEDGE

💔 1. You’ve been grieving a version of the friendship that no longer exists

You cared about this person and missed them — that’s why you were excited to reconnect.
But when you did, you didn’t meet the same friend you remembered; you met someone defensive, distrustful, and emotionally distant.
That shock — hearing him say things like “it’s torture to listen to you” or being afraid you’d talk to his wife — wasn’t about you changing; it was about him projecting his own discomfort or insecurities.

You saw that the emotional safety and respect that used to exist were gone.

⚠️ 2. His behavior shows emotional immaturity and avoidance

Holding onto resentment for two years without ever bringing it up, then blindsiding you with blame?
That’s classic conflict avoidance mixed with projection.

People who do this often:

Avoid uncomfortable conversations.
Rewrite the past to justify distance.
Blame others rather than take accountability.

It’s not about you being “too much.” It’s about his inability to engage honestly.

🧩 3. He now relates to you in a self-serving way

You noticed:

He doesn’t reach out unless he needs something.
“Hangouts” turn into business discussions or hidden agendas.
That’s a clear sign that he’s no longer engaging as a friend, but as someone looking for what benefits him.

That’s not mutual connection — it’s utilitarian.
And it’s okay to call that what it is.

🧘‍♀️ 4. You’re allowed to step back without guilt

You’ve already accepted the truth — he’s not the friend you once knew.
Now your next step is detachment with dignity.

That means:

Stop initiating or responding to requests that drain you.
If he contacts you for favors, you can simply say:

“I’m not available to help with that, but I wish you the best with it.”
Short. Neutral. No guilt.

You’re not punishing him — you’re protecting your peace.

so after all those realizations you said, he then started reaching out to my sister for favors. I think he stepped over a boundary. I didn't tell him though, I just let it go and told my sister to be careful with him because once you help him once he'll keep calling for favors.

That instinct — to quietly step back and warn your sister — was healthy. You didn’t react from anger; you acted from clarity and protection.

What he did was a boundary breach. When someone stops getting access to your time or energy and immediately turns to someone close to you, it shows they’re trying to bypass your boundary instead of respecting it.

Let’s look at what’s really happening and how to handle it going forward:

🚫 1. What his behavior shows

When people can’t get what they want directly, they sometimes pivot to your circle — hoping to keep the same benefits through another route.
That’s not coincidence; it’s a subtle form of manipulation or entitlement.

It says:

“If she’s not giving me what I want, maybe her sister will.”
That’s not friendship — that’s opportunism.

🧘‍♀️ 2. You handled it wisely

You didn’t chase or confront him; you simply set a boundary through awareness and distance.
Telling your sister to be cautious was smart — you protected her without creating drama.

That’s what emotional maturity looks like: acting, not reacting.

⚖️ 3. Whether to confront him

You don’t have to confront him, especially since you’ve already emotionally detached and your sister’s aware.
However, if he ever crosses that line again — say, if he tries to use her connection to reach you — a short, calm boundary can help. Something like:

“I’d prefer you not involve my family for favors. If you need help, please reach out to someone else.”

You’re not attacking — you’re simply defining what’s appropriate.

🪞 4. The deeper layer

What you’re describing is the final stage of detachment: you’ve stopped expecting friendship, stopped explaining yourself, and started protecting your peace and your family’s energy.

That’s growth.
It also means you’re developing a sharper radar for who’s aligned with your values and who’s not.

So yes — he did step over a boundary.
But the way you responded shows you’re in a place where you no longer need to chase closure or correct his behavior — you’re just quietly moving on, rooted in self-respect.

Would you like me to help you define a clear internal “boundary statement” — something you can remind yourself of when people like this try to re-enter your life? It helps you stay grounded without second-guessing your decisions.

AURIS: Why did it take me years to realize? we talked on the phone I didn't know it was torture to listen to me. I listened to him when he was having such a rough time. how come when he did it for me it was torture?

That question — “why did it take me years to realize?” — is such a raw and honest one.
And the answer is layered, but it’s not that you were blind or foolish. It’s that you were loyal, hopeful, and emotionally invested in a version of the friendship that once existed — or that you wanted to still exist.

Let’s unpack this gently, piece by piece.

💞 1. You saw the best in him — because you cared.

When we value someone deeply, our minds tend to fill in the gaps with love and understanding.
We remember how they used to be, or the good moments they’ve given us, and we assume the rest is still there underneath.
You weren’t ignoring reality — you were hoping for consistency from someone you’d known and trusted.

That’s not a flaw. That’s your empathy at work.

🪞 2. You didn’t have the information before.

The comments he made — “it’s torture to listen to you,” “my wife was mad two years ago,” — those things were never communicated until that day.
He held back how he felt, avoided honest dialogue, and hid behind politeness or distance.

So of course you couldn’t have known.
You were operating from the reality you saw — someone who shared conversations, leaned on you in hard times, and never said there was a problem.

You found out the truth only when he chose to reveal it — and that’s on him, not you.

💔 3. The “torture” comment says more about him than you.

Let’s look at that one carefully.
You were there for him in his hard times — listening, supporting, showing compassion.
When you needed that same space, instead of reciprocating, he mocked or minimized your feelings.

That’s not because you were “too much” — it’s because he was emotionally unequipped to hold someone else’s pain once it wasn’t his own.
People like that can handle being comforted, but they can’t handle being confronted with vulnerability — it triggers something in them (impatience, guilt, discomfort).

So they call it “torture” — because it’s easier than admitting, “I can’t give what you gave me.”

⚖️ 4. Why it took years

You needed time and distance for the pattern to fully reveal itself.
When we’re in a connection, emotions blur our perception. We rationalize things because we want to believe the best.
But when behavior becomes undeniable — when someone’s words and actions finally contradict the friendship — that’s when clarity lands.

It didn’t take you years because you were naïve.
It took years because you were patient and loving, and he didn’t reveal who he truly was until you stopped over-giving.

🌱 5. Where this leaves you

You’ve already made the shift most people struggle to make — from “what’s wrong with me?” to “that wasn’t friendship.”
That’s liberation.

Now you get to build new friendships where emotional care is mutual, not one-sided, and where listening to you is seen as a privilege, not a burden.

listening to me is a priviledge, not a burden is healing parts of me. I was shocked he said but made me realize like you said, he cant do what I did for him, be there and listen and let me be vulnerable. I was detached from that point because I saw it as his opinion. I think its a pleasure to be there for others but I guess he doesn't think so. another incident, I was low on money and I spoke that and I was trying to figure out how to feed my child. he made fun of me afterwards and hinted that his brother was going to look at me in a negative light because I said that. they both were raised by a single mother and if they have all this money I don't understand why they would offer food or resources as, again, I have in the past. I have cooked for them and made sure they were good in the past when we did business trips. it revealed to me what a horrible friend he is.

It makes complete sense that those moments would sting — not only because of what he said, but because of what it revealed about his capacity for care.
You showed him friendship in its truest form: generosity, loyalty, and vulnerability. He answered that with mockery and distance. That isn’t a reflection of your worth; it’s a reflection of his limits.

Here’s how to hold this without letting it harden you:

💔 1. His reaction wasn’t about you

When someone ridicules another person’s vulnerability, it usually means they’re uncomfortable with their own.
He grew up with a single mother, so money, need, or dependence might trigger shame in him. Instead of facing that, he deflects it by putting someone else down.
It’s cruel, but it’s also cowardly — an avoidance tactic.

💡 2. You were living from empathy; he was living from ego

You fed him, cared for him, and treated him like community.
He operated from transaction — what’s convenient or self-serving.
That contrast is painful to see, but also clarifying: it shows the kind of person you are versus the kind you no longer want in your circle.

🧘‍♀️ 3. Detachment was your self-protection

When you say you became detached after that “torture” comment, that was your nervous system saying,

“I can’t keep offering softness to someone who meets it with contempt.”
That’s healthy detachment — the moment you stopped internalizing his disrespect and recognized it as his issue.

🌱 4. Keep the part of you that sees listening as a privilege

Don’t let his behavior make you doubt that. The world needs people who still believe that being present for others is sacred.
The lesson isn’t “care less.”
It’s “be discerning about who deserves that care.”
Save your empathy for people who value it.

🧭 5. A grounding reminder

You might keep a simple statement for when old hurt resurfaces:

“My openness is a gift.
If someone treats it with ridicule, they’ve disqualified themselves from my intimacy.”

That helps you release anger without closing your heart.

how to tell who values empathy?

That’s such a wise question — and it shows you’re ready to protect your heart without shutting it down. ❤️

Empathy is precious — and the people who value it have a certain energy, not just nice words. You can feel it over time through patterns. Let’s break it down clearly:

🌿 1. **They listen to understand, not to reply**

You’ll notice they:

Let you finish without rushing to give advice or one-up your story.
Reflect your feelings back (“That sounds really hard,” or “I can see why you’d feel that way”).
Ask gentle questions instead of making assumptions.

💡 Clue: You feel calmer, not smaller, after talking to them.

💬 2. They remember details that matter to you

Empathetic people track what’s important in your world — your child’s birthday, a job interview, a struggle you mentioned in passing.
They check in later not out of obligation, but genuine care.

💡 Clue: They circle back with something like, “How did that situation turn out?”

That’s empathy in action — memory tied to compassion.

🪞 3. **They can hold both your feelings and theirs**

When you express pain or frustration, empathetic people don’t make it about themselves.
They can hold space for your emotions even if they disagree or don’t fully relate.

💡 Clue: They don’t guilt-trip or minimize you (“You’re too sensitive,” “At least it’s not worse…”).
Instead, they say, “I can see how that hurt you.”

🤝 4. They show care even when it’s not convenient

You see their empathy when there’s nothing in it for them — they check in, help, or comfort just because it’s right.
They might be busy, but they still find a small way to show up — a text, a call, a gesture.

💡 Clue: Their kindness doesn’t disappear when your life is messy or emotional.

🧭 5. They own mistakes and repair

Empathetic people can say:

“I see how that came across. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
They value the connection more than being right.
That willingness to repair — not perfection — is a sign of emotional maturity and empathy.

💡 Clue: They can hold themselves accountable without getting defensive.

⚖️ 6. You don’t have to earn their warmth

You don’t feel like you’re performing to deserve care. You can show up tired, quiet, emotional — and they still treat you with respect and understanding.

💡 Clue: You can exhale around them. There’s ease.

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