How much is enough

 and am I enough

I do everything to help you

but now I have needs that I cannot supply

and i'm fustrated

feeling unappreciated

I do all these things and God is blessing me with these lesson

and these things and you asked for help with one thing, I did it

then i did a design, had never done that before.

i said go to secretary of state website and you didnt do it.

but you didnt say it.  you didnt communicate i didnt know you didnt do it.

so i do it for you, the administrative thing

I almost cursed you out I thought this was already done.

I need to be patient, the business knowledge is lacking.

But the lessons have been bible and how to deal with people.

Haven't gotten to the business part yet.

You don't understand my process. I pray, I ask what to teach and when and I give to you as

God tells me. 

I miss my baby. and money is what will bring him to me. My heart is hurting.

I realized this during the walk.

I want my baby and I'm depending on you and trying my best to be submissive, and helpful

and do what God told me to do.

I said I should get a job. you said no, you can do it. now you say i have to organize your life.

I've done so much the tasks get bigger and bigger and what have you done with the informaiton that I have already given you?

I hate that I depend on someone else to get it for me.

its a very vulnerable. 

so i depend on you, but i also have to teach you.

i feel like i'm raising a man.

i knew it, raise son, come here raise you into all you can be.

but Jesus this is hard. submitting all the time, holding back my thoughts and feelings and 

sometimes when I think i'm gonna explode I say, I trust you, I trust you, I trust you

which is what God told me.

then my brain takes over and tells me that I'm crazy and God didnt tell me a thing and my son is there without for some crazy dream that I will come here and get all these things done in 3 months. things and curses that have taken a lifetime to break.

Grace is on my side.

I'm sorry I'm disrespectful. I'm so frustrated. I keep giving, and giving and giving.

for what/ you said I look nice and today you made me a smoothie. It helped soothe all my 

why the hell am I doing this? cooking for a man, I'm used to cooking for my son or just going out to eat

aft3er I spend my time by my design, the toastmasters meeting and speech therapy.

I jumped and now I'm hanging mid air wondering when will my feet touch the ground. 

When will I get some control over my life?

Today I thought it was the same when i had Alex. the job of feeding him and taking care of a child was all emcompassing.

It was a 24 hour job that required all my time and i felt like i got lost in the routine beucase it was no longer about me, and no one wanted to take any shifts.

I'm tired of the single mom story. 

I see why some run away. to create something new. the sex was not worth the embarassment and months of belly growing in a poor city, where the lady she saw me and she prayed over me.