Walks in the Park

After all these years we speak And in your voice is the absence of time I heard your laugh It was the best sound And you are so apologetic And you truly feel the sorrow of your ways It makes it easier to accept you And treat you like the forgiveness I speak It should be But no, the pain is still there So I go and I speak my peace And in speaking of the past And the events that have led to now I discover I am the one that seeks to be forgiven In your hands I want you to unlock These chains of shame Somehow by you not judging me It is easier to forgive myself This was the knot that was tangled This was the lump in my throat Why is it  so easy to forgive others And understand their faults While  holding ourselves in a prison Not willing to let go? I have forgiven you So I thought But everytime you reach out to me I feel A lump in my throat But after all these confessions I released all guilt and shame You heard my position You looked at m...

Then there are times When I wonder what is the point of it all all the life I have lived and all its hardship and how I am not sharing it with anyone else in my art or my writings my gifts and all my things in 5 or 10 will I matter? do I matter now? Most of my life in my mind I console myself with being future minded then when that disappointed, I dreamed some new dreams with every new opportunity I kept believing it would happen I am too much with God to know otherwise I have faith, I have pride I know my life is going in a certain trajectory but I am aware talks like these creep people out or maybe they creep me out in that they mark me as different When I speak I speak of my current situation and I hate that talk before I feel so far removed but its the truth. My house is a mess, I am always behind catching up with a bill but I have all I said I wanted. time with my son, pick and drop off to school. I have time to write, but instead I ...

I miss you girl you who runs with the wind you who writes in twilight no matter the candle light twin I miss you girl who dares to fight for her dreams and her hair's worn natural, curlyesque and brilliant, eh, mind you say? I miss  you son all the times I missed the way your cheek curved into those dimples and all the ways you walked and talked and things you did while you were in daycare and I was at work or in class making money to pay for these walls that you care nothing about and your memories of them will probably fade when its time to remember I miss our walks in the parks in Jersey Saturdays sitting by the riverside and the NY buildings right there on the other side and the wedding photographer taking pictures of newlyweds and how we walked, and how we played and inside in my mind how I prayed and thanked God for such peaceful days I miss you Angel, not really no I miss the girl you used to know she was not like me, no, s...

Running running Always needing to go Escaping Escaping My Current moments It's all in vain Because I have to go back to them Back home, back to work My soul soars high When I get distracted  Get lost in the beauty of the day But I must produce But produce what? Real estate makes money  But what makes meaning? Want to take care of money So I can earn the right To write,  to go to the park, to drop off  and pick up my son Enjoy life's little things  That are all missing right now to make my life complete Yes I have it in weekends During the week I work In the weekends I'm a cleaner Even watching TV to disconnect, Disasssociate Go and see someone else's life. Lately its not enough  And why? Because what I must change is my life  Call me call me  To do the things that I love sing, teach, be an educator Please call me I'm dying here My soul seeks to breathe Or at least, be released

All my life i have been expected to give explanations you always ask why when i say the dream from my heart, the thought from the sky my freedom limits you and in this uncomfortableness you want me to explain so that my vision better fits your view of life well i'm too grown too affectionate too much of myself too authentic whoever the son sets free is free indeed its not my job to educate to teach you to bring you to the path that i'm walking on so acceptance i seek you even if i find it only in solace so friends goodbye, see you in another season my sensibilities do not allow me to be around you so goodbye its time we part ways our deep connection from the past does not carry on to the present i am super focused and got no time to be sitting here answering your whys and hellos and wow you have a lot of time to type and no i'm too grown too free i'm me accept it i am not giving you any more explanations

"There's no way you would go for a man like me if you had options" He made me his muse his inspiration his reason for being he idolized my beauty and he chased the appreciation in everybody's lips until he came to expect it I had to pretend, I had to shine, even when I didn't want to my looks were the pedestal my soul, my words, my manners were second hand, they first belonged to someone else, it didn't matter no one had cared to know what they were everything in me other than my beauty were second class citizens the beauty, the look, the youth. it was eternal, it was a fantasy but did he ever love me? if I had a scar in my face would I lose all I have? my kids, my man, my wealth? was your love empty? was that the reason it did not fill me? was my beauty enough to fill you? I had to uphold your expectations so I stopped expecting much of myself nothing more than a pretty face was required. when you lay next...

The Road I must walk on I must walk alone.