Dreamed a different dream

"There's no way you would go for a man like me if you had options"


He made me his muse


his inspiration


his reason for being


he idolized my beauty


and he chased the appreciation in everybody's lips


until he came to expect it




I had to pretend,
I had to shine, even when I didn't want to
my looks were the pedestal


my soul, my words, my manners were second hand,
they first belonged to someone else, it didn't matter
no one had cared to know what they were
everything in me other than my beauty were second class citizens


the beauty, the look, the youth.
it was eternal, it was a fantasy


but did he ever love me?
if I had a scar in my face
would I lose all I have?
my kids, my man, my wealth?


was your love empty?
was that the reason it did not fill me?
was my beauty enough to fill you?


I had to uphold your expectations
so I stopped expecting much of myself
nothing more than a pretty face was required.


when you lay next to me in bed
after you are finished
I know you try to consume my beauty
if you can touch it, if you can feel it,
maybe then you think you can be it


and feel the same for yourself


I wonder at times what happened to you
that made you to want someone
outside of yourself to validate you


I know we all have our fairy tales of
how "things are supposed to be"
but I'm tired of fulfilling this role in your life


the role of the one conquered,
the aventure-less
the journey that had never been taken,
the road with no footprints
no one had bothered to take a single step


I lay here, my life and years before me
I have fulfilled all the expectations
but I have not reached that fleeting moment called happy
because although they were my rules to follow
I was not the one who set them


The rules were always in your hand,
society and my man
they always told me how far I could go
how far I could reach
and in the crevasses I wonder
if maybe, just maybe, I would have dreamed a different dream