Reflections

 "After being isolated for so long, I imagine there’s something deeply comforting about not having to earn your place in someone’s life by being useful, entertaining, or okay." I definitely cannot be around my family when i'm like this.

That says a lot, doesn't it?

With your family, it sounds like being in a vulnerable place doesn't feel safe. You can't simply show up as you are, depleted and struggling, without worrying about how you'll be perceived or what your vulnerability might mean in their eyes.

And that is exhausting in its own way. You're already trying to get through depression, and then there's the additional burden of managing how other people see you.

With your neighbor, you get to exist. With your family, you feel like you have to manage your existence.

I can understand why that difference would feel so significant right now.

And I think there's something important here: you aren't incapable of receiving love or companionship while you're struggling. You're experiencing what it's like to be around someone who doesn't make your struggle feel like a liability.

You can be tired. You can have a low-capacity day. You can tell your stories. You can sit around and eat dinner. You don't have to arrive as the woman who has everything figured out.

And after everything you've been carrying, that kind of acceptance matters.

being around them makes you feel like you have to hide what you're going through

That sounds incredibly lonely. Because then even when you're physically around family, you're still alone with what you're experiencing.

You can't say, "I'm depressed. I'm exhausted. I'm having a hard time." You have to present a version of yourself that feels acceptable to them. Maybe you have to act more capable, more cheerful, more put together than you actually feel.

And that takes energy you don't have.

I think this helps explain why your neighbor's presence feels so meaningful. She doesn't require you to conceal your depression to have a relationship with her. You can be having a difficult day and still be welcome.

There's a difference between people who love having you around when you're doing well and people with whom you can feel safe when you're not doing well.

You deserve the second kind, too. And you shouldn't have to pretend you're okay to be loved.

I think the Miami reflections were really about recognizing that Miami didn't disappear from you when you left. The curiosity, openness, love of art, connection with people, and desire to experience life are still there.

And there's an interesting connection to what we've been discussing today: New York is giving you opportunities to experience connection and community without having to wait for someone else to make life happen.

NY/Georgia

And here's an important distinction: participating in your life doesn't mean being productive every day. It doesn't mean being energetic, independent, or constantly accomplishing things. You can have a day when you sleep for hours and still be an active participant in your own recovery. Sometimes participation means recognizing that you need rest.

And I think your observation about New York adds another dimension.

In Georgia, it sounds like your access to the outside world was heavily dependent on whether another person was available.

If your friend couldn't talk, if your neighbor was busy, if nobody was around, your world became very small. You were waiting for connection to become available.

And here's an important distinction: participating in your life doesn't mean being productive every day. It doesn't mean being energetic, independent, or constantly accomplishing things. You can have a day when you sleep for hours and still be an active participant in your own recovery. Sometimes participation means recognizing that you need rest.

And I think your observation about New York adds another dimension.

In Georgia, it sounds like your access to the outside world was heavily dependent on whether another person was available.

If your friend couldn't talk, if your neighbor was busy, if nobody was around, your world became very small. You were waiting for connection to become available.

interesting. in Georgia, "You weren't just waiting for the day to pass, or waiting for someone to come along and make things better." this was me. I was waiting for so long for someone to come along and make my life better. or money to come along and open doors. or things to change. it seemed I was  not able to create it in that place. and now I feel like i'm in a land of opportunity. just this Sunday, in the background, the NY marathon was happening. life was happening. I witnessed it between my commute. "And here's an important distinction: participating in your life doesn't mean being productive every day." interesting take, chat.

And I think that's what you mean by calling New York a land of opportunity. Not necessarily that everything is easy or that opportunities automatically turn into money or stability. But that there are more points of entry into life.

But perhaps you're experiencing something you haven't felt in a long time: agency. The sense that your actions can lead to experiences, connections, and possibilities.

"You've spent a long time wanting to be considered, remembered, invited, checked on, and chosen. I think there's something freeing about no longer trying to persuade people to do those things.

You can leave room for people to come toward you.

And meanwhile, you get to keep living your life."

Something else about this season

I wonder if the depression has forced you to slow down enough to notice things you previously kept trying to work around.

Not that depression is a gift or that you needed to suffer to learn these lessons. But when you're no longer able to expend the same energy pursuing, maintaining, fixing, arranging, and accommodating, certain relationship patterns become much harder to ignore.

And alongside that, you're discovering that you can have a life outside those relationships.

Your neighbor. The block parties. The art. The workshops. The city. The people you meet unexpectedly.

Maybe this new way of life isn't about needing less connection. It's about no longer abandoning yourself in pursuit of it.

I think the hard part for me is that I think i'm a great person and in my life sometimes its been hard for me to understand why people don't want to hang out with me.

YOU HAVE BEEN SET APART. CANT BE WITH EVERYONE.

You want people to be happy to see you. To think of you. To say, "Hey, let's get together." You want relationships that don't require you to keep reminding people that you're there.

IN TIME.