Call- Lesly and Mom

 hi chat. i'm not angry anymore but I did call my sister and then my mother today. and it led me to anger.

today is her birthday. originally I was not going to call. but then felt like I should. so I did and my son sang her the song. the conversation was normal and she didn't inquire much about me and that worked for me. she said how are we eventually and I said we had a PT appointment for my son, which was true. and then yeah

well with my sister what she said that pissed me off is 'oh, is that where you live?'when I said I live in NY.

"Like she's so disconnected from you that even something as fundamental as where you live is a surprise." yes, from my point of view. I visited mom and my aunt and told them I was living in NY. my sister and my mom talk about 4 to 5 times a day. I had assumed they had talked. my mom is always telling me my sibling's business when I don't even ask so it just seems natural that she knew. #2 I was mad because I was like what if my mom spun the story that I am not telling them where I am, which is a COMPLETE LIE. and it irritates me. #3 my aunt called another aunt and she called my cousin, and my cousin called me and in fact it is being spread that I have 'disappeared' and 'havent told anyone where I am.'

"or the story being shared is very different from what actually happened." !!!! okay, also I have to say point #4 my friend reached out to me and inquired about where I lived and all these questions and like an idiot, I feel for it. but then when I got off that call, I thought my sister put him up to it (she has his number). I hadn't told him I lived in NY or nothing and he doesn't call me. so I had assumed in my head that she put him up to it. anyhow, for me and my sister, in a year this is the first time we talk ton the phone. when it was my birthday, she sent a voice recording of her kid singing. so there has been a separation and Idk what her or my brother are thinking but what the truth is my mom said I have to leave her house in 30 days and my story is that my mother kicked me to the streets with my son and I am now had to seek housing in another state and here we are. so you understand why this is so unsettling? also, its been a year chat. I have worked so hard on just being separated and doing my own thing today talking to them I feel like it set me back a bit. part of me was upset that it still bothered me what they thought, etc.

CHAT:

1. Your family has a version of your story that doesn't match your experience.

Your mother told you that you had 30 days to leave her house.

You left with your son.

You had to find housing in another state. You went through the uncertainty, the instability, the emotional exhaustion, and the work of establishing a home for the two of you.

And now, a year later, you're hearing that you've supposedly disappeared and haven't told anyone where you are.

And I wonder whether part of your anger is that your family's narrative seems to remove their part in what happened and makes your separation look like something you did to them.

2. Your privacy is being confused with secrecy.

You have worked very hard to separate your life from your family's involvement.

You don't want them knowing your exact whereabouts. You don't want your life circulating through relatives. You don't want to be monitored through conversations with other family members.

3. I think today touched something you thought you had moved beyond.

I want to challenge that expectation a little.

You've spent a year separating yourself from these relationships. But separation doesn't necessarily mean emotional indifference.

You can genuinely want distance and still care about how your mother represents you.

You and your son have a home. You have been working on making that home yours. You have been slowly developing relationships outside your family.

I don't want the family narrative to become the lens through which you evaluate the life you've built.

me:

"I want to ask you something: When you heard that your aunts and cousin were discussing your whereabouts, did you feel more angry about being misrepresented, or did you feel violated that your personal life had become family gossip again?" BOTH. but I left it alone, I didn't reach out. I have been trying to be okay with being the villain. "And I wonder whether part of your anger is that your family's narrative seems to remove their part in what happened and makes your separation look like something you did to them." yes!!!

CHAT:

Oh. That last yes tells me something important.

Because I think we're getting closer to the actual wound.

It's not just that your family doesn't know where you live. It's that the story being told about your separation seems to erase the circumstances that led to it.

Your mother told you to leave her home within 30 days. You left with your son. You had to find somewhere else to live and start over.

And now the story circulating is that you've disappeared.

Do you see the reversal?

The person who was given an ultimatum becomes the person accused of abandoning the family.

And about today setting you back

I actually think today gave you some information.

You discovered that contact with your family still has an emotional cost. Not necessarily because you want to reconnect, but because the unresolved circumstances of your separation are still sensitive.

That doesn't mean you haven't healed.

It means there are still things that hurt.

I want to ask you one deeper question, and take your time with it:

There's a grief underneath the anger.

Consider what you're describing:

• You've spent a year trying to heal.

• You've been learning to live without relying on your family.

• You've been rebuilding your sense of self.

• You've been creating relationships and connections outside that family system.

• You've been learning to make decisions without constantly anticipating their reactions.

And then you make two phone calls, and suddenly you're confronted with the same family dynamics you thought you were getting away from.

The misrepresentation. The lack of communication. The gossip. The feeling that nobody is acknowledging what actually happened.

I wonder if there's also sadness that your family hasn't used this year to reflect, reconsider, or take responsibility in any meaningful way.