10.15.22 thoughts

 listening to boyfriend thing

Distrust is coming up for me

i did the breakup want to see other people one

and i said yeah get away from me

i want to see what i want,

i need space

i wanted to close it out, leave the conversation

but i stayed on

like i do in real life

with men, bad feelings come up for me and i stand in it

the rejecgtiong, the pain, the whatever it is i am feeling, 

overwhelming emotions

that are hard for me to even see that the stuff

is happening inside of me

and the outside i get quiet, i look normal

but when I'm quiet the inside is brewing like the 

winds that are about to form a tornado

He just said you are a sexy animla

and the distrust gets more

what do you want?

what are you saying to me to get what? 

sex? 

am i comfortable being sexualized?

i told Angel no

he said, too bad i'm sexy what you want me to do woman

I loved when he called me woman

he was so mad, it held so much emotion

and it held that passion, that we had for each other

Angel said a lot of broken promises, promises 

he never intended to keep

he said i'll build you a bathroom

when i commented how nice his bathr was

of course the jealousy feelings came up,

i have been poor and broke and raising my son

you became a realtor and have a house

and have a baby with the girl that you were with immediately to a year after me

then you said she was with your friend

so you sneaky and she is too

and you get sexual

late at night, every night, like me

I know i'm real nigga

(comment to boyfriend youtube guy saying you are so real)

ok, how he's saying some times people are not even ready for how real you are.

okay, he got me there

i dont want to go to the bust stop

i want to stay in Aury land

i ate the sandwich, got the items without having to walk to DG and back

i'm tried feeling drowsy and i'm surprised i'm still here

TBH, and thats a fact.

If i meet David, will these feelings come up?

the what do you want? the distrust? 

and sexuality is something i hold iwth a lock and key

am i supposed to let it go?

will i lose respect if i do?

I'm thinking meet a guy at a club and do it again

but then i remembe how i cried and how that didnt

really work out for me

i was doing looking up the sexual content

but the emotionally available boyfriend stuff i found 

as of late, it showed me a challenge

it was weird to receive the emotional support

and hearing those things from a man

was just, something i've never had

I SUPPORT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE GOING ON.

i sang and worked when i was with Andre and with Dre.

Dre missed my Toastmasters speech. 

when i moved to New Brunswick he never came to visit, 

he only reached out when he was going to be in the area because

he was going to be in a party around there

so like, you not coming for me.

you are going to be here and want me to come to you while you are here

we break up you start going to parties

i saw the pictures

 you around 6 different girls

and you dated the one that had the boyfriend

wow you and Angel have that in common

YOU ARE GOING TO SLEEP TONIGHT WITH SO MUCH PEACE

I am thinking of that Beyonce lyric, my torturer became my reedeemer.

I was upset in the last vido and now this video i'm goign to the same source

to heal that wound that you created

but its hard to blame them when the internal stuff is around me

wrenking ball and stay with me by riri 

described the abandonment I felt when Manuel left

This time when I sing 'Who you are' I have light to share

and confidence 

I feel on my feet so many times

I know I can sign, 

I'm just sharing my gift with you

Touch

HE DOES KISSING SOUNDS

I feel uncomfortable and even the videos

sleepover

and imagiving a guy in my bed

and Idk what I gotta do with a man to get to that point of comfort

and i thought of how James that was his frist request,

come sleep over and we came, me and Alex

and his sister came next day ignored me

I felt very rejected

her Facebook and socials said i love Jesus

in real life she ignored me