10.15.22 more thoughts

Lady got kicked out of the tour

she had nowhere to go

and woman comes over

and guy says you can come with us

Lady says my casa has many rooms for me

that was it for me

Christ, Holy Spirit and all that it is called

It came to me

I sprouted out in tears

bible came to me

the situation spoke to me

she had nothing and they provided a space for her

and i thought of me and June and the metal break

and how i asked for help

and family did not provide

after all the negotiations they finally kept their word

and Cesar is a punk for making his wife the intermediary

and she goes along with it, everyone goes along with disfunction

and it's crazy that if i stayed i would have kept being

emotionally linked to them, and so dependent on their approval

I am miles away and their words still hurt me

like a wound that keeps closing up then gets stabbed again

before it fully heals

i did my goal, i dont speak to Alaka and Jane at all.

I used to feel so rejected when they woudnt pick up

they were the only social life i had

now i've been doing different things

its okay, its time to grow

less talking an just doing my things

time to be my own best friend

put that talk into speeches

and even jenny i talked to her about the family stuff

she told me about pastor Kim and i should hear 2 podcasts

and i need to what, not worry about them?

idk. but i just wanted to be heard.

she told me of her experience and i let her know that's not

where I am, with God like listening to podcasts and church and reading bible. 

I spent years doing that. 

Today God spoke to me. I forgot at this moment.

and tonight I had a breakthrough, I can sing now!

Like really sing! Like the way I have always wanted to!

the voice just flowed!

I wanted was thinking this is usually an event I would tell Jane

but I didn't and I'm not. it's okay to keep this to myself.

I be giving away my gems

and people don't see it. or get it

or somehow when you share it, it's no longer yours

It mixes with people's response then it grows and it 

grows apart from you

like kids need to be with their parents. separate to grow

they go together. 

I broke down, teh water got released from the well

and wow

i spoke to God, and i heard his voice

and i thought wow they have a room for her

she can be broken and needy and its okay

they have her back

and jesus word about rooms.

this is getting repetative

it was great. bye