Ryan 7.25.22

Checked out a friends Facebook and realized how many things i dint know about him.

He has a whole sibling he never talked about ( a sister)

He lived in Brooklyn? (wtf? how did that not come up?)

And he has a whole group of bros and family I've never met (i met him and his brother in college).

It made me feel, left out, but in some ways, sad that I didn't know him more. 

I thought of our conversations and hung outs throughout the years. and I wonder how I knew so little about him.

But then again, it just made me realize how little we know people, period. and how much time we take to get to know people. take time out of our lives and what we got going on, to reach out, to interact, to connect with another human being.

I do remember he liked me at one time, he was nice and handsome and nice smile. I was keeping away from relationships then, and in many ways, keeping away from them now. 

I didnt see that for me. I dont regret it. but it makes me wonder if that what it would have taken to get to know him more. 

alas, there was  a debt that wasnt paid, my life went haywire again as it often does. I feel bad, I lost a friend. I havent been able to reach him for years. it was 2018 I think when I last spoke to him, trying to sound optimistic about living here, my move here.

I know I visited his house. I'm pretty sure I was homeless back then. I got a car, was able to visit on Saturdays. If I didn't make myself available, maybe that wouldn't have happened. I always genuinely care. but sometimes, it's surprising how many people don't look for you if you don't look for them.

That's the puzzle of friendship. how looks for the person out more? and homegirl knows i've been back home she hasnt come by here to say hello or nothing.  I dont know why I expect more. But it seems silly to me to expect less. The same compassion. Okay, don't go down that train of thought, Auris. Some people are a 'lost cause'. and I'll have to move so i dont have her anymore as a neighbor and the fractured relationship (or rather, the relationship I no longer have).

I've been raising my son, learning me, recently had a breakdown. But, oh, how easy it is. to drift and worry about others and my focus of how I'm not being appreciated. take that energy and change it, appreciate myself. I woke up early and I'm so glad. Waking up at 8am was such a hassle last year. Woke up at 7am, no problem just like I wanted. I gotta keep my word. Get ready and do the laundry. i was questioning it due to how sick I got.

Unfortunately I don't have the $200 I owe him, yes even today. Change that, Auris. Change that. Focus on that, money consciousness. Even in NJ I wasn't racking it in. This is something that be stressing me.

I guess that's the beauty of the past, and the memories we have of others, I have been thinking. When we remember others, we remember them in a specific time of life. And that is all we experienced of them, so that is all we know. 

I hated when brother Kyle used the 'let's catch up' to use as some sales tactic and wouldn't let me know. I felt used, he could have been straight forward. he did say his mom died. It seemed genuine but he had an agenda. Like the guy said in Succession, everyone has a game. 

Auris, I want sunlight and waves and being physically fit. Eating fruit everyday. A thing like that. I keep dreaming of the fresh fruits in Jamaica. I still really thrive on the idea of being just mobile, having money and being able to just move wherever. Then I was like, not Jamaica, they don't speak Spanish there (for Alex). 

The pull of the future. I'm glad my brain is going to the future. I am happy as well, I am writing. Last night I was thinking this, I need to spend some time writing. My previous love. Jim Rohn, Napoleon Hill. I'll keep listening to ya'll.

Being around Alaka was like the experience of feeling like my voice annoyed him. He said that wasn't it but that's what it seemed like to me. He didn't get the way I speak and what I mean and takes things literally a bit. It made me want to be different, just like the time in Miami when he was saying I was too loud. But I am happy being who I am and I come from a loud family. and I am not quiet. To try to make me less is not me, alas I was loud, yeah. It made me feel so self-conscious at the time.

New version of me, to keep being independent. have a life so full I don't have to call so much others to keep in touch. Maybe have a boyfriend, a young, abs, car, tends to me type of guy. So I can call him, and stop calling my friends so much? Maybe. Maybe I'll meet him in the gym. A person who cares about health.

Napoleon Hill says you dont' want someone to know everything about you. But that is all I've ever wanted. I wanted to be known deeply. maybe the only way for that to happen is for me to write my stuff in a book. When you write, people have to take the whole story. Unlike the spoken word, it is not cut short. People stop after a chapter or two, and keep going. when they have time, but they get the whole story. Some will get me, some will not. It's okay. My job is to be my best self.

And my vision board is all about fitness and I got into a bigger size this year (covid then something then this heat exhaustion when I came back thing). Writing and working out. Business organizing I like because I can see to it to do it on my own time. Enough money to pay off a car? Probably. 

This is what I need, daily writing. That's what I wanted to do when I came to Georgia yes. Yes. I wrote a book, to inspire girls. But this one, this one is for me.

it'll be cool to write a book like the style of House on Mango St. That was classic, and simple, and poetry and stories and you grab what you can from it.

And the pain, and the hurt, and the beauty of it. and Nothing else is like it.

Wake up, have an expresso and a spanish speaking lady serve it to you. and the aroma of home. Palm trees, old men flirting with you, all this Miami had. And a bustling downtown where you could get stuff if you like. I hated being there with sam, like always keeping tabs on him and him on me. I like walking with no destination. I remember what it felt like to be Auris, not having to be anything for anyone. Like my mornings. It is fun. 

Organizing Alaka's house. It was stressful. Jesus ,I have to send them receipts.