7.26.22

 last night i was on a live, there was this young guy

he had a beard. he spoke intellectually

I was, of course, instantly attracted

isnt that how the whole thing with angel started?

I went to his page, sure enough yeah he was young. what, 20s? his style was

who knows

and then i thought of my BOA manager when i showed him

this guy i liked in college

he said we have a person that looks just like that

and he pointed out the person i currently liked on the job

and i thought then after that,

the article i read where a father picked out a partner for his girl

i'm sure there were more qualifications than 

'he's cute' or whatever hormones say to your brain

and i thought of when you date someone young

you naturally have to be in the leader role

so you have placed someone in the role 

who is imcompetent 

and then its up to you to help them lead

and once again, you are in a 'helping' role again

and tha's why you dont date when you can't

because you dont want to give when you yourself can hardly breathe

I then remembered when I liked quiet guys,

but did i actually ever date a quiet guy?

I think James was, but he turned out to be an asshole and a liar.

koay that's enough

i keep looking at the past trying to find patterns and lessons

and my mind goes there

let the pull of the future 

future pull you

business owner, dream with guy that looked like Fusey

I gave him a chance but he quickly took himself out of the running

i hate when a guy doesnt show interest or call right away with the cell number

in their hand. nope

i like a more aggressive guy, knows what he wants

and i like that i read this woman, she has her own farm

she said what she realized she wanted

and that was okay for her

and i thought of how we pressure people to be in relationships

but what if we don't want? and that's ok?

I thought the other day

go join a gym 

meet a young guy

to like you, and fit body

and we will have fun

light, nothing serious

but then I thought

is that my old habits? using someone?

having an agenda? liking a certain type?

and am I okay to date someone to then leave the state and leave them behind

but it was a silver of hope

a, hey let me try out this thing.

he'll have a car. give me rides sometimes. and friendly. 

it was a thought. this is a collection of thoughts.

maybe my mind is trying to see

the possibility of me being with someone, a guy, 

being around guy energy

open doors, pay for shit energy

the way Angel used to do

it was fun, I was lonely, he wasnt capable to be there 

when i fell apart

i gave him the position, he left and broke my heart

that was the past