Narsicissts

Friend:

Mom no regard for me and my needs at all 

Andre I made him happy he said. when I cried he was disappointed. not listening and gaslighting and he doesn't like to acknowledge stuff. I told him about me hiding in the bushes and he laughed. he doesn't see how disrespectful that was. I don't think he cared. Obviously it meant a lot to me but for him that was just something he didn't even remember. he even told me he doesn't remember a lot of stuff, when I came back in January. Made me see that even though he has been the longest relationship for me and meant a lot, to him I guess because of all his other life experiences it didn't mean as much. 

When I have cried or being vulnerable or explained stuff to him, its like everything goes over his head. There is a lot of invalidation in this relationship. then also a strong need to be needed, or thinking he needs my help. Emotionally, that is what I feel when he calls and its usually why I pick up. I realize now, he doesn't deserve access. 

Jenn from high school- she had a lot to say. spent my walks in school listening to her. one day i made a challenge, wait for her to ask about you. it never happened. i realized then how selfish she was. i wasnt' a friend but more so someone that took in her soul, her life, her experiences, someone that listened. 

Tia (?) 

Mariela- a very big talker, big personality. loved books and Olympics and harry potter and lord of the rings and you were wrong if you were not into what she was into. REMINDS ME OF TIA MARGOT. 

Rosa-not such a big personality but her things was hanging out and risky behavior and sneaking out and I was her partner. there was a lot of, i felt she was using me in this relationship because she used me as an excuse to tell her mother so that she could leave her house. I was the reason so that she could hang out with guys. MOM 

Alaka too (some bending and people pleasing and trying to be all he needs) (I miss our conversations when he was out driving). Am I sad or lonely?

Yomeiry she was a fun friend but when she got here all the ways she acted I felt rejected. I thought we would hang out. She ignored me and my son. She was just spending so much time developing this new relationship. Made me feel devalued.

Angel- didnt like that I liked God. he laughed when he admitted to sexual assault. Did not take my feelings into consideration, he wanted to get what he wanted from me. and he wanted me to keep giving him attention even though he was in a place where he was going to keep his life the same. My mind had made him into a hero for being there for me in a rough time. but I realized I magnified few moments and diminished others (him ignoring me, stepping out (?) ...memory lane to taxi guy saying he saw a guy with a girl and I thought it was Angel.. never cleared that up...  I was so emotionally tied to this person it was wild.)

Idk if narcissists is the right word. The thing is the role I played, the same in all. Being there for people, keep serving. and then feeling bad when people don't value me or appreciate me. I start the relationship giving hoping it would lead to a relationship. and it is, a relationship where the person gets heard and talks and I listen and boom. what do I get? I'm just there. 

the listener, the helper, the it's all about them. always going to Mariela's house and trying to please her (that huge gift for her with so much effort, did she ever do anything like that for me?)

and Rosa, that big $$ spent on her.. she got a pity gift of a dress she didn't want wasn't it? It wasn't the same sentiment. That dress was horrible and I wore it because I felt guilty that I didn't like the dress she got for me. ( in landmark finally got the bravery to get rid of this dress, no more pity dress wearing).

Tia, its been a lot. helping her with her responsibilities, taking over her household when she was sick. I don't ever see her mention that or acknowledge ever what a good friend I was. (not until one time she said I had common with her with mom and brother dynamic. That was it but that wasn't so much about me as much as my family right?). She doesn't reach out. She got a person to watch her house and people to watch her child. She doesnt reach out, she doesnt communicate. It was always me going to her house, me reaching out. They have come here a couple of times. I felt the brokeness, bringing my kid into that dynamic of being around people just to be around people. 

Charismatic, big personality, very sexual, low values that was the pattern I saw in all these people. 

another one- Nasean. he fit the description as well. 

Porfirio- big personality but in that relationship I felt heard. We used to talk everyday for my freshman and sophmore year. I saw him develop.

Yesterday Tia came from work and I realized I don't feel validated by her. She gave kids attention and went on phone to speak with Darlene. Most times I've spoken on the phone she's on the phone with someone else. 

When we speak everything is about her and her life and I listen. The time we stayed up we talked about all the crazy experiences we had with others. 

Andre he doesn't need me for conversation. There was the day he was on a long drive. He listened that day but he made it sound like I was his 'entertainment'. Like the only reason he listened to me that day was because there was nothing else to do. (he said it like a compliment, this is amazing i havent been bored and you are the smartest person i know. he kept saying those things.) it reminded me the guy in Miami he was like you are so hot like omg and he would keep talking. same game as Andre.

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Who has made me feel valued and heard?

For me in my life, it has been Isaura and Jane. That was it?

Rebecca I told her stuff, but she also did a lot of gaslighting and my feelings weren't ok. It was all about her and that time she said I was wrong for wearing pants and it was too tight and it was in the bible and etc. I freaked out because I had nothing to wear. Then she went in her room and wore the tighest jeans possible. I didn't realize until later that she wanted the attention on her and because I had curves and she didn't. She wanted to make herself be looked at by people, while telling me to diminish and make myself be smaller. No matter what I wore, my body is my body.

Lesly came and everyone told me of the embarrassing did i fall? idk. but public laughing at me wasn't cool. me coming over and having a 'party' at their place wasn't cool. I was totally out of line but I really thought I wasn't doing anything wrong when it was happening. They're like are you having a party in our house? (dude with the 'house manager' title said it. but he said it with so much attitude. I was immediately turned off) Later on I saw his point. I shouldn't have gone over. I felt like a victim and have felt many times in my life like people should pity me and be kind to me. I was really sad that some people said they would come to the birthday celebration and it was 2 or 3 blocks away and they were all hanging out in that place and didn't come over. why do i have all these cycles of rejection? But its all internal, its the way I interpret things. I remember with Angel I finally felt seen.

Porfirio - in that relationship I felt valued and heard. We spoke all the time and he genuinely wanted to hear what I was doing. and he wanted to gift me a ring one time. I remember. we stopped talking when he got with Isabel. We never returned to our old pattern. but when I visited him and he had a girl named 'bird' he had someone do that role. It was so weird. Him having a girl that listened to everything but wasn't around. People need social interaction, even if they have kids. I would say especially if. 

feeling alone as an adult. 

David Imonitie- be so consumed with your dreams that is all you think about. 

This is all the stuff. This is why I run from my voice? but all these relationships were great distractions from myself. This is the first time I'm with myself. and I like it. but I spend so much time constantly 'striving'.

lose weight and get this M. goals and goals and rest and rest. and I hate resting or the fact that 

I thought I would be a writer. and I do, I write everyday. never thought to turn it into a career. and Lesly joked about it the other day. and how to make my life matter and....

that meditation when I saw the future, it was so clear everything was all there. I went to Cali to get RE  deals and I thought I would make all the money and then move to Pensacola, FL and make all my dreams come true. instead, another disappointment.

SAMUEL - very NARS. all about him. I devoted all my gifts and time into him and it was never  enough. another lost cause. He came back and told me my influence on him, made me feel like it wasn't a waste of time. 

Also yesterday I thought of how I held these people up, I made them so high and I thought so high of them.

Lady said us being alone means we don't feel safe around people. and that is something to work on.

Interesting. 

And here I am, This is Auris. This is me. I guess all this stuff is the stuff I run away from. I seek out people to get love and acceptance and I get a lot of rejection, not just from my family. People got their own thing going on. Lately I have been feeling like I'm not important in that person's life. I'm no one's wife or girlfriend or a person that someone will always check on. I am trying to take out time to check on myself. But it seems to me like I spend this time in this office for the last 2 years trying to figure out how to make money, how to be a success. and neglected some things in the process. always trying to figure it out. but it gets tiring. want to wake up, do something, make money, be able to make plans. been living off my credit card and its now catching up with me. 

Need an immediate influx of cash. the buck stops here. that picture after college i looked at with so much anger. life got so hard after that. i thought the point of college was that it was going to get better, I was going to get money.

Neo said be in the environment all the time. I have experienced loss and struggle and rejection but I know others have had it much harder than me, of course. claro que si.

I need to put some space between me and mom and tia margot and people that make it their mission to put me down like i'm today's breakfast. everyone trying to butt in. Kevin Hart said him and his family is a bubble and its impenetrable, no one can get in. I want to get that, but to mhyself. Napoleon Hill said there is a space, between him and his creator that no one can inhibit.

Interesting. maybe I can do that too. I always shared everything, being vulnerable only with my friends. I was mad at Rosa and what she said about me, mostly because it was private things and she took the bad and talked about me. I rather someone talk good behind my back. Tai Lopez said it's good to test people. I never did that. Good advice, all around. 

Possibility of me being around people that uplift. People that also want to see me win, people that don't go small when I tell them my ideas, dreams, vision and instead put all their resources into helping me make it. Where there is a will, there is a way, that's how the story says.

This is the stuff, the junk. Consume yourself with the pull of the future, Jim Rohn says. stop the habit of looking back and being mad, at Sam, at Andre, at mom. Be kind to myself. Forgive myself. It's easy to keep blaming them and making myself a victim. Try to tell the signs more, next time. Be kind to yourself. You don't have to keep bending in order to be liked.