Convo with Chris

I haven't been able to trust you with my emotions.

Due to the way you treated me in the past (dismissive of what he said or what he felt) It's hard now. Sometimes I don't pick up your call due to this.

Was mad I sent a promotion text. He said we had spoken the day before and he was going through the VID and he had a double ear infection. SELFISHNESS it screamed out to me. I let him know it was a text blast, didn't mean to be insensitive. I sent that text blast. and the truth is I was so set on my goal. The truth is, I forgot about all that. Me thinking about my goal and stuff, it didn't register to me. 

We spoke on the Jazz party thing at Lawrence's house. He was excited to hang out (he said he had asked for years to hang out and i kept saying no). This time I had asked him, and I had made it seem like it was a party. We couldn't speak afterwards he went with his cousin and he had to go. he seemed genuine when he said it, I was upset we couldn't get to talk. I made up a story that ' I wasn't good enough for him to fight to spend even 5 minutes with me' at the time.

We both discussed that we didn't call each other after that, settle the score. We both let it go unsaid and unspoken about. But yesterday we talked about it, and yesterday we were both upset. 

My mind, coming up with ways that 'I am not important' and 'I am not good enough'

I remember that moment with the girl in the school. I was thinking about coffee sales. She needed me to be present. and I snapped out of it and was there with her, she needed me to be proud for her. She did very well in her assessment. She just lit up. She just needed my attention.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I wanted to sleep and not deal with the day. 

Today, I woke up. feeling tore up from yesterday's conversation. I, naturally without thinking much, put on workout clothes and just started moving. My body knew what to do already.

I don't want to take too much time to celebrate.  I just want it to become an everyday thing. And then celebrate when I cash in on the results, a new body to show for it. 

Back to that, I was important to Chris. Its hard for me to imagine that. I am important. I always think I'm not important and I felt it more when I was around my family. and me feeling that makes it easier for me to not be around. 

This belief doesn't serve me. I am important, new affirmation.

Also, I need to call my cousin. If I take out that belief, and I am important, then it's important for me to call her. Nati. 

I get really excited about an idea. I can be so excited. I used to want to have a car for years. I'm 36 I still didn't make it happen on my own. My first car was given to me, it was a gift. A car out of my own funds that I made. Do I care where the funds came from? I care about my attitude. 

I didn't treat Chris like the gift that he was. and it doesn't need to go into regret. It needs to go into being better. Treating people better, not being so dismissive. treating men better. its a man thing.

Pushing away the very thing that I want in my heart, and not being aware. It's all interesting no?

But alas, me and Chris were something that didn't get watered. I cared more about my career and other things, I didn't make him important in my life. and he didn't do the things that would make me take note and see his effort. His lack of effort for us to see each other in person didn't work for me. the times we had face to face was due to my planning. (even the Nj thing, I'm pretty sure I drummed that up too).

He talked about the rejection when he touched my neck and my knee. and its true. I felt the unsafe thing there, like why you acting like that. and I told him about that. He honestly wondered how I dated, and how I've been with guys. and I said they were around me enough time for me to feel safe, kept showing up. 

I think of the times I have judged him, the times I decided he wasn't for me, and the thing about him I didn't like. I know its the right decision for me. I wouldn't like the no ambition on the couch thing. and I would be what? on the couch next to him? maybe I'm wrong maybe he's not this person all the time.

then I look at me and think, someone could say the same about me. but i know myself and how hard i work. it doesnt apply. i know i'm 36 and dont have much to show for it, that's another lesson for another time.

Should i make it a must? earn money? get a house? i live in this society where that is the pressure. I want to take that pressure off. then its hard to have the drive to make it when it was never there. 

Ian said good plan when you own the land to make the dream hey buy a house in this land and pay me taxes forever. its true. But there are ways, to get what you want, to make a path ahead. 

I really want to make non profit happen and me to be a success. I felt yesterday like I was emotionally stumped and I wonder what my family's experience is of me and I wonder how much effect the secrets have made between us. 

I am searching for a break through, a breaking through this ceiling of limit that I have for myself, the life I have created for myself. I embarrass but really its the passage of time. 

With Dre, I say I don't want him to be embarrassed but I realize its my embarrassment of myself. someone that knew me when i had a job and stuff. but at the same time, does that mean I'm ashamed of this life? no, I guess I don't want that critical look like my aunt did. When I had my place in NJ I didn't care about that.

I have to go through it, emotionally deal with if he is critical or if he's not. I want different expectations. I feel judged yes. Why? Ryan, dude is not even in my life no more. That story of I need money to be valued that story doesn't serve me. 

I pay attention to the person that's most likely to abandon. Chris said he had the good intentions and stuff. It all went left. and I accused him and he wanted to clear his name. and all the years he wanted to bring it up, and all I did.