its not happening fast enough

 father

I've had too much

father

a phd in failure

keep suffering, Auris

I went to Miami 

got exposed to things I never had

I didn't know I could live in a place where

nothing was broken

I had to train my eye to stop looking at the things 

that I couldn't fix

but my cleaning eye still sees

You get used to things being mediocre

like your life

and things not going the way you thought,

like your life

and yes I'm not married or pregnant

I have never been a mother to a girl

and I don't know what it is for a guy

to hold my belly with the baby that we

are both excited for

Oh how I marvel at these experiences

and no one worries about me

well my aunt does and my mom

but I find that annoying, look at it here

I am hard to please I guess

When I had nobody, my aunt housed me then my mom

I was ashamed, I was unwanted

Angel shows up 5 years later like a group of

fixers way after the hurricane has passed

how did it go? am I the dad?

fuck you nigga

that's the anwer

you knew you nutted

I think but don't say

then the revelations come

its to early, stop it now, too early to be a victim yes

write your own story

you cannot rewrite the past

I can marvel at what I don't have 

or be thankful for what I have

what used to be an escape is now a prison

I have seen everything

and done all the things a person 

can do without having a job

they said community service

I said wow I can finally use my gifts

I used my gifts at the other spot, they took it for granted

and at the next place they refused to give me a stage

but it all started because they gave me a stage didn't it?

but they were so close and nice

and there was the guy that got me out of jail

cause God convicted him to

I hated that he later used that to put it in my face

your niceness comes with a price

and everyone you thought was nice

they quickly fade

and I never did get that ride to Florida

and everyday people sleep and wake up 

in nice places

I am in no condition to say anything I know

there are people dying in Syria and Palestine

and apperantly there are people getting abused

so everyday I wake up free and not in a war zone is a blessing

so what to focus on? I had hope that you said

I was getting that ppp loan and God you told me what to do with it

its been the only thing getting me going really

it was coming and what I was going to do with it, 

invest it and get out of poverty

all in one transaction

but it didn't happen

it didn't happen today

today, after all the daily disappointments

of waking up and checking and its still not there

I'm racking my brain of how I could earn some bucks

I have Alex always its a blessing but for jobs its a curse

no one gives you money when your kid is around

first they want you to get rid of said kid

could I clean hotel rooms?

only if its cash. but let's be honest.

it won't be much. more work and stress

and my foot is already open and ready to bleed

I'm staying off it and I'm not even walking that much

God, what to do?

you said you will instruct me and direct my steps

you said Hawaii

I watched videos, it looked great

I don't doubt you but everyday I wake up

and I can't pay the employee what I owe him

and they cut my water off last week I was waiting

and the money that came in hardly covers the Georgia power

I need more to sustain the last month's activities

you told me to go, to not worry

it took money I didn't have and you provided everyway

Samuel was so mean and he didn't even realize

I'm tired of crying but idk what else to do

my hope leaves me each morning as the spirit tells me to check

its like torture

check that your broke still

and the tings that god said would happen are still not happening

and get thought the day without money

and when I went food shopping you said only for 2 days

so I had smoothies yesterday and Alex threw up

which made me so anxious

really

faith where are you?

or is it as much faith as I can throw?

and I can't seem to t throw far because these bills are on my neck

and the taxes were due yesterday

and I hate selling my book because it feels like begging

telling people to buy something they don't believe in

and I am not believing

I see myself speaking on stages

and I give a speech every week

but alas I don't know what I am doing

and tracking

and now I'm an officer

and now its time to speak

and I did the speech yesterday, even though I was nervous

and idk what else to say

I'm crying as I type these

word

I want to stop being a little girl

being trusted with 200 a month

I'm grateful but its better off with mother

she needs it

and I have what other means?

what other means to make money?

so creative but the resources got me going on empty

and I'm tried of going on lives asking for free stuff

do something with the information

it just feels like I lose all the time

all the time

and its hurting so much

I want to make my son proud

and I always was scared that he would see me as a loser

like everyone else does

they look at me like I'm dumb

like I don't know I have a stupid couch

I am so grateful for this couch

I went so long without having a place to sleep

or sit down in

and I did all I could

and nothing matter

nothing changed

no one had compassion

they took my gifts

and they didn't say hi back

and it was so rude

to call yourself a christian

but not even be able to smile back when I say

God bless you and thanks for coming and I opened

the door for them

and here was that retarded guy that was always trying to get a feel on me

with them hugs

I didn't know what to do

and single mother

and pity in eyes

and where's the man

and I would apologize

fuck everybody

that looks and does nothing

and I always feel like people owe me something

and it hurts my hear the lack of compassion

in this country

I did not grow up that way

I could go to a neighbor

and ask for sugar

it was a neighborly culture

people always want something

give you a meal 

and require your soul afterwards