Face Yourself

 home doesn't feel like home

I keep sleeping in but I think its because I stay up late

because I've been napping

my body's exhausted

not enough food

no energy, no more new experiences 

I loved how when we woke up in South Beach

we walked to get food

Samuel was pissed

but we were on our way to the beach

before calamity hit

and another hotel that we must leave by 11am

another day to try and make it

the Wednesday is when the money came

I stayed so that I could go to court

who knew that would be my breakthrough?

all worked out in favor

and he said here's the hotel key

and I stayed and he didn't stay. he came around 5am

he was disappointed

the women kept calling 

that didn't want us to go to tampa

we went and looked at bad properties

all the stuff I did in NJ before leaving

he was so focused

and I wanted to clean the house before I left

so that he could put the place in Airbnb 

like he said

I wanted him to look at houses in the place

so that I could be alone

and be at peace

and be not afraid to sit down more than 5 minutes

without him yelling at me like I was unproductive

I went into the codependent

do everything you say

but what choice did I have?

I was in his place

God sent me

I left my kid

so therefore I left my original responsabilities

what for?

idk there have been so many visions

he calls and tells me things like a person he trust

but then he pulls stunts and we go back again

into the mistrust

then another day and he comes through again

and I need not to focus on it

and I think of my son, of how I was the rock

and maybe I'll be the rock

and be steady

and rise up, listen to the sound of my voice

be bold, do what God says. take charge

this is a crazy plan God

was this your plan all along?

or did you feel bad for him or bad for me?

and decided we will be good for each other?

he said one day he knows what's wrong with me

like I'm the one that needs to be fixed

and he takes on the things I say and uses it against me

those are not his best qualities

I get to develop a leader

but does he appreciate the mentorship?

the daily bible lessons that are no longer daily

he called me the other day because he needed a lesson

so I read to him what I was reading

I feel useless here

I've seen Yomeiry more in the last 5 days than I've seen here in the past 2 years

was it yes almost 3 years ago. she came early on huh. well, it always feels like yesterday

I stay passionate and I stay mad

I always hate when people leave

Miami made it feel like it was wroth it

but oh God, how its hard coming back to my life

and seeing the gaps that I didn't see before

and how things are difficult that will in  the future be easy

the yoke of poverty that you removed, there in that place

you for whatever reason wanted him to see that

and my hair is not conditioned

at least the mop is dry now

I will look at airbnb

and try and focus on things that are happy now

I get depressed sometimes

and down its part of being me

I say that because I'm trying to accept it

hormonal and the feet things

makes me want to stay off it all day

is there a better way to clean? I have to get it wet

I did the dishes, well more like I'm doing them

I haven't done the baking soda scalp treatment thing

I hardly use product and it still there

they say its the bread

I have to stop eating bread

but I eat bread everytyda with coffee

such a convenient breakfast when you have money, really

nothing to lose, like the song says

this is my new bottom

before it was being homeless, nope this is it

me in housing not being able to buy a new couch

life never changing always being the same

God showed me the tree

says I have to leave

the more I leave, the more uncomfortable I am

the more people will see my gifts

Wow