Do I complain too much?

 my constant need to bring up the past

and talk about the bad things that happened

I do it without thinking

I hate that I feel like I have no control

a 5 minute conversation turns into more

Do I want recognition?

Do I want acknowledgment?

"Auris, I'm sorry that happened to you"

Do I want pity?

Why does it happen? Why do I stop?

I'm reading this book and he had was failure to share

and he didn't share it

he just kept working

and was in his mind, a minefield if you ask me

of bad experiences

and he's trying to make sense of it

I'm sure there's good in my life

of course, there's been good so many different times

I still feel like a prisoner 

but the premise of 'can't hurt me'

was, find the lesson admits the pain

find a way to push through

like he always did and his mind's inability

to stop him

the inevitable why

why do something that might lead you to die?

what are you trying to prove?

It means I won't succomb to it

the struggle and pain, it won't succeed

Maybe I'll do an acknowledgement right now

Tell me all the things I acknowledge you for

and all the hardships you went through

Alaka said people want to hear the hardships when you make it

it was like my sponsor saying to shut up all over again

or maybe it was be quiet, a nicer way to say shut up

he said you are a beautiful girl

when you speak, you speak on all these bad things

I was overwhelmed by how rough my life was

and I've always been real and raw

and when people ask me how I am doing 

I really respond, honestly people honestly don't want to hear it

asking that question is a normality

but really people call it manners to lie to each other

and our mistake is that we expect other people to be like us

I actually care

other people usually don't

they say the necessary how are you doing

as some type of societal requirement 

a entrydoorway to niceness to another human being

but they are missing the main  component

that of caring

when I had my kid 

I keep expecting someone to help

now I see myself as a financial burden

a well that instead of having water

is always running out of it and is thirsty

ah that's where the term comes from

how to not be in need when I am constantly in need

and being a mom and living my life is not enough

the bills are getting paid until they are not

and being an entrepreneur is cool until you

figure out what to do to make it cashflow

posting all the time in social media and growing my following

the focus on that was not making dollar bills go in my bank account 

or sales up, I want to focus on what's actually going to drive the needle

they say create content

the dorian guy says he gets paid on youtube and other sites

instagram is just a hype game, this is how many followers I have

I became the person that I hate, not enjoying life 

because I was so concerned about documenting it

and for what? someone's amusement for a little while

but then again P mill and Runway and all the people that it's allowed me

to tap in with has been amazing

maybe I'm the reason my life hasn't changed

it was cool being an employee now I need to be a bossman

I like work because there are clear boundaries

when you work with your friends

those boundaries get crossed

I am a writer and a speaker

and I feel good in those moments because there are

no answers that are wrong

but when I speak to Jane and Samuel, the only people

I speak to now besides my son

idk there has to be another way for me to communicate

there is no more mercy

everyone wants their money back

this version of me

broke with homeschool child

and speech therapy and weekly speeches that don't pay

won't cut it yet

but I signed up for an officer position

yes, but they are actually financially good 

they can take a 1pm break

I can make every meeting because I'm free

but still, its good to associate with entrepreneurs

even if all we talk about is Toastmaster stuff

I saw Les Wes, and he was in an achievement in Toastmasters