Manuel

I think about you all the time. (when I have time to think)

You are in my thoughts, and I don't mean that to be flattering or anything. It's just the truth.

In my mind, we are friends. The lies that have been told are far behind us and we are in a place
where there is no reason to lie anymore.

I guess my thoughts are the relationship we could have if we are cordial.

I think about sharing my thoughts with you, my life, my relationships. No stone left unturned. No questions that I can't answer.

I think of sharing myself with you, the lessons that life has taught me.

Interesting right? to share that with Manuel, the person that for me is so hard to forgive. The person by whom I have felt the greatest betrayal.

How to live, and how to move on. How to forgive one another, over and over again.

And yet, you may not be the one. This thought haunts me as well. That test, and those results and oh the shame if you aren't. It's a storm that I have to pass. It's a story I have to tell. No more to hide, no more to tell.

And if you are the one, then why do I want to protect you so much? and why is it so easy for me to be kind towards you? am I not supposed to be mad? and angry? and resentful (not saying that I am at times).

Oh, the regret. its a stone that is too heavy to carry. and I have to let it go, and not pick it back up.

I guess the reason why it's hard to be mean to you is because I remember you. Before this situation. You always seemed like you were on my side, giving advice, telling me it's going to get better. and I wish I could be vulnerable with you and tell you these things but when I see you, your wall is up and so is mine. I hate that you give me an attitude. I can't deal.

Part III the hard part for me is to know how to treat you, more or less, who are you? are you the person I knew before? or is this the new you? which one do I address? which one will come out? and then over text you joke. I wish it made no difference to me as it did to you. But it does.