All in My Emotions
tonight i was at a party. not really a baby shower.
mom thought the noise was too loud for baby. i said it was fine ( I am the mother, my opinion should be the last deciding factor.) I said that based on information that I've read, that babies likes loud noises. I have a baby that cries a lot. There he was awake, quiet and calm (he was happy). Believe me, if he wasn't happy he would have let the whole world know by crying.
I explained this to my mother, in one ear and out the other. it's a constant battle, of old wives' tale and medical information that I follow. She doesnt believe in taking the baby out at all. I did that, it was driving me crazy. This is the second time since he's been born that we go to a function.
anyways, my mom made an executive decision and decided to override me and just leave the party with the baby and go to the car. fast foward, i'm dancing iwth my brother but feel like i'm not really there because i keep thinking about the baby. I go and look to see him (the table was within viewing distance of course) and wow to my surprise the baby wasn't there. I left, asked my sister and she said mom took him.
I was pissed, I walked to the car with the diaper bag (she left the diaper bag). Knowing my baby, he would be crying and hungry ( I was waiting to see when he wanted to eat, the time was coming). I walked to the car, and then me and mom got into a fight (i call it a fight becuse it just wasnt working.)
It's not so much that she took him to the car after I said no (giving her a pass on that). The issue for me was that she didnt let me know. i didn't know where my baby was. and to me, that was the scariest moment. I got fustrated from explaining to her to please let me know in the future if you are moving the baby so that I know where he is. She was stuck on the reason why she did it (even though I let her know I understand the reason, she kept repeating the reason.) so here I am, my mom is repeating the same information and not listening to a word that I am saying. Not only that, she is not responding to my request either. we both got fustrated and i left after preparing the milk.
I go back to the party, see Suyapa and my sister and tell them what happened then I just started crying. I am home now and started crying about it when i watched my face. i'm all in my emotions. I never want to feel that again, not knowing where my child is. That moment when I looked and he wasnt there were the scariest of my life.we ended up leaving the baby shower after that, and I finished feeding my son and mom and sister left to go back to the shower to get cake. i didn't want to leave my son's side.
He's my son, I felt like it wasn't fair. just let me know where he is. mom apologized when we got home. I wanted to talk about it, but she went on to the next subject. it's so fustrating to talk and not being heard.
I just realize I love my son so much, he is my son. Don't do that, take him and not let me know. that is all. I feel like what I am feeling is the same feeling a mom would feel if they lost their son. it's a horrible feeling, it wouldn't be ok. and it was just moments. idk what else to say. i love my Alexander Jeremiah, and the whole mom thing is another issue.
Other thoughts: that thing happened to me again. where i am dancing and i get sad. that hasnt happened in such a long time. i used to be in these parties and want a husband or partner because everyone seems to be coupled up. and today it was like i am a party again, listening to them sad love songs, and only this time i have a child and still no partner. then I started thinking of how betrayed I feel by Manuel, and then I had to end it there. I don't like thinking about that.
Regret is like poison, and I am trying for it to not consume my heart.
mom thought the noise was too loud for baby. i said it was fine ( I am the mother, my opinion should be the last deciding factor.) I said that based on information that I've read, that babies likes loud noises. I have a baby that cries a lot. There he was awake, quiet and calm (he was happy). Believe me, if he wasn't happy he would have let the whole world know by crying.
I explained this to my mother, in one ear and out the other. it's a constant battle, of old wives' tale and medical information that I follow. She doesnt believe in taking the baby out at all. I did that, it was driving me crazy. This is the second time since he's been born that we go to a function.
anyways, my mom made an executive decision and decided to override me and just leave the party with the baby and go to the car. fast foward, i'm dancing iwth my brother but feel like i'm not really there because i keep thinking about the baby. I go and look to see him (the table was within viewing distance of course) and wow to my surprise the baby wasn't there. I left, asked my sister and she said mom took him.
I was pissed, I walked to the car with the diaper bag (she left the diaper bag). Knowing my baby, he would be crying and hungry ( I was waiting to see when he wanted to eat, the time was coming). I walked to the car, and then me and mom got into a fight (i call it a fight becuse it just wasnt working.)
It's not so much that she took him to the car after I said no (giving her a pass on that). The issue for me was that she didnt let me know. i didn't know where my baby was. and to me, that was the scariest moment. I got fustrated from explaining to her to please let me know in the future if you are moving the baby so that I know where he is. She was stuck on the reason why she did it (even though I let her know I understand the reason, she kept repeating the reason.) so here I am, my mom is repeating the same information and not listening to a word that I am saying. Not only that, she is not responding to my request either. we both got fustrated and i left after preparing the milk.
I go back to the party, see Suyapa and my sister and tell them what happened then I just started crying. I am home now and started crying about it when i watched my face. i'm all in my emotions. I never want to feel that again, not knowing where my child is. That moment when I looked and he wasnt there were the scariest of my life.we ended up leaving the baby shower after that, and I finished feeding my son and mom and sister left to go back to the shower to get cake. i didn't want to leave my son's side.
He's my son, I felt like it wasn't fair. just let me know where he is. mom apologized when we got home. I wanted to talk about it, but she went on to the next subject. it's so fustrating to talk and not being heard.
I just realize I love my son so much, he is my son. Don't do that, take him and not let me know. that is all. I feel like what I am feeling is the same feeling a mom would feel if they lost their son. it's a horrible feeling, it wouldn't be ok. and it was just moments. idk what else to say. i love my Alexander Jeremiah, and the whole mom thing is another issue.
Other thoughts: that thing happened to me again. where i am dancing and i get sad. that hasnt happened in such a long time. i used to be in these parties and want a husband or partner because everyone seems to be coupled up. and today it was like i am a party again, listening to them sad love songs, and only this time i have a child and still no partner. then I started thinking of how betrayed I feel by Manuel, and then I had to end it there. I don't like thinking about that.
Regret is like poison, and I am trying for it to not consume my heart.
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