When I was pregnant

 I saw all my life and my relationshps

the one with my brother, I said I gotta fix it

when to Philly, where he lived in the time

I had a conversation he said he wasn't interested

he said, so what, now we get to have a relationship becaus you want one?

he said he tried before and I rejected him

couldnt think of one example, for me.

he said to my sis that he would only get calls from me if it was about money

that was one phone call, one time

never again

its hard to have a relationship when you never had one

it broke my heart his coldness and how he wasn't interested

the kids were small then. now they are older and 

he spazz on me with his comments and came after everything

that I love, my character and my son and my life.

hateful words that spew out of an enemy

this is my blood brother

your heart is far from me.

alaka used to be my brother, that betrayal was harder

people give up on you, don't want to listen to you

his only interest in friendships was free labor

even his sister, I said hi, I know her for a long time

she tried to check me because I took a picture

the crime did not fit the punishment

since when is taking a picture now you feel like you can

abuse you and talk to me crazy? yes i'm sorry people

have treated you bad for rbeing nice but you do not get to 

over-correct that with me

that whole day I was there wondering why I was there

having lunch with someone else's family

I liked their family unit so much because I don't have ea family like that

that gets together for lunch. people come to one location, eat and leave.

it was genious, no one to clean up.

I am here alone, with a spring dress on and my kid

single mom only one without a husband around, except the cousin 

and of course their mother. alaka's mother, someone I used to look up to,

she treated me with contempt and first time I had seen her after years

she was just trying to get money out of me for some business thing,

that was her mode, that's what she went to.

years later I see her she berates me to answer questions regarding

my sons's education. this is normal? are all of you transactional?

Alaka, I work with him, it takes him the whole day of complaining

and doubting me and he avoided saying a lot of things to me

that I guess he never wanted to say

every thing on the ride back he was miserable and wanted me to listen to him

I wanted to put music at one point so that I could get away from this vibe he was on

it was so annoying to be corrected that many times

I thought he was so wise when we were younger

now I saw it a lack of respect, thinking he knows best and trying to fix my definition 

of something because of something I read in a book.

I was sick of the dynamic 

then he breaks down and speaks his real mind

that people over the years go to him and tell him whatever I did that was weird

I have that happened one time before, I am the type people don't say it to my face

maybe I am weird, I get rejected, I get shunned. life is a constant windmill

of making friends and losing them. I don't think i'm weird, I think i'm kid and have 

a big heart in a world that sometimes doesn't even care. 

anyhow, I am here, i'm supposed to pray. do I have words?

I wanted to write about Mona, I think of her lately.

I wonder if I should go and meet her, would she even care?

People nowadays don't really care and my presence does not mean

what I thought it meant. there is no respect. Alaka's wife and me will

never be friends. he hasn't made it a point for his kid to get to know me.

so much for us staying friends forever. He withheld info from me

and said it all in an angry way only because we were stuck in the car for so long.

his wife called, he was selfish and dismissive and said 'this is why women'

I tried to set him straight but he refused to listen.

he had the attitude that he had been wronged, when the fact was, 

his wife talked to him nice and kind and wanted to know

when he was going to be home and he was rude and answered in a short way.

women, we take note of that. he was not interested in fixing it or apologizing it

his mentality was 'something is wrong with women' instead of seeing

what an asshole he was being to his lady. 

I gave up because he didn't take heed. He wants me to change 

my vernacular right away, but he doesn't consider what i'm saying 

about the way he is addressing his wife. 

Zari never calls. She never does. I know she loves me and is my friend

and she's good at being there practically. I wish she would think to call me.

She's more like a 'let's meet up in person type.'

As I get older, its harder and harder to maintain friends.

It has nothing to do with willingness, it has more to do with life things. 

People marry and have families. When I was around Lesly, she had a whole world

and things that revolved round Adam's family. I don't have that, a secondary family that 

I could lean on the way my brother and my sister have. 

No one stays up at night wondering how I am doing. I go to the hospital alone,

I went to the hospital all those times alone. No one to pick me up afterwards.

One time I called a friend for a favor, he said he was on his way somewhere to do something. 

I really needed help. Like usual I needed someone. I know now that the manipulative

people sometimes win, they shoot their shot, they are aggressive.

Even with guy, I would have given him another chance. Not because he treated me good,

its because sometimes company is better than the alternative, being alone all the damn time.

There is a deeper level, Auris. You are here at the human level, of course, 

this is where I live! the guy that was following Enoch around, he kept wanting to 

stay and Enoch kept telling him to leave. He told him he could leave 3 times. 

The guy had such a desire to be there. I feel that's me in most friendships. 

They only exist because of my willingness to keep it going. 

How many would have fallen off if it wasn't me holding the glue?

the truth is people have jobs and mortgages and marriages. I have

none of those things. I have a kid. I have entered adulthood with a 

starter kit. I have experienced homelessness, betrayal, letting go 

of all the family. all the people that are supposed to be there for me

they are not. no one is coming to save me, is what people say.

This society is really hell. People that are supposed to be there are not.

Everyone has lost touch the art of keeping in touch, the art of love. 

I searched for it, held on to it in Alaka because he was a best friend at a time. 

He is not anymore. that car ride let me know that. He does not valued the friendship

like I do. and it makes sense. He's one of my persons, I was probably nothing to him.

I'm sure I'm not nothing but I am not something enough. Not enough to know his kid and see what's going on. He called me when he needed help with a task. I'm tired of those calls. 

I say I choose but the truth is, its more like accepting the truth. I have no friends, I have no family. 

It's about time I accept that now. 

I went away for 5 years. It might as well be a lifetime. I was so happy to see people

and I thought people cared. No one cares. They said it in the Bronx Tale, no one

cares. And they haven't cared in a long time.