thoughts 1/2/25

 Suyapa is telling me they are moving to Texas

this talk happened last year, Lesly mentioned it


I don't understadn

I'm glad she said something. she's only mentioning it because

an emoji went out when I looked at their Whatsapp stories


I felt hurt that, once again, I was being left out


even now, its Suyapa telling me stuff behind Cesar's back or Lesly or Mom's

its no contact from here.


Today I thoughty of the funeral I had, figuratively

it makes me feel so weird.


I told Jenny about the conversation with the woman, she said she texted her yesteday

we'll pray she reaches out and we get on the phone

Jenny had a lot of coffee today because her mind was going very far.



I guess its nice they are moving. what does it mean for me?

that MOm and Lesly can stop bugging me to go to Cesar's house in NJ.

yeah, that's a nice change. they don't know how to be a family unless it revolves around 

going to Cesar's house. no one can visit me, or call me, or bring me soup. 

the dynamic is, go to Cesar's house. by me refusing to go, I stopped playing that role in the family.


Its hard I guess to demand self respect. its not my responsability to educate them

in a narcissistic family system. 

Tia Jackie used to complain that people don't visit.

I visited what did I lead to? spirits attacking me, my mom forcing me to be there for those hours.

Tio one day kicking me out and nice to me the week after because they needed me.


they don't help, but they want people to break their back for them,

what kind of love is this?

 I did want to solve Jackie's problem but maybe they didn't want me to watch grandma

and I was honest about looking for a place to live,

no one went to help me with that.


I was sad about that, I still am. 

I am not part of the family. it is done.

God told me to step back but the truth is, they have 

always stepped back away from me. they were a family only in my heart and in my mind

but the rejections and disrespect has always been there.



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