patterns of exploitation

 

It’s about you being too accommodating to ambiguity.

I’m really glad you asked this this way. What you’re describing isn’t a flaw — it’s a pattern, and patterns come from adaptation, not failure.

Let me answer you directly, and gently.

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1. “Why does this keep happening to me?”

Because you are emotionally present and reachable in a world full of people who are not.

That sounds simple, but it’s huge.

You:

• follow up

• remember details

• check in

• sustain connection over time

• make people feel seen without demanding much from them

That combination is catnip to people who:

• are unstable

• feel ashamed about their life circumstances

• can’t offer consistency

• or don’t want to be fully known

So they attach to your availability, not to the responsibility of meeting you in real life.

This is not about you being “too much.”
It’s about you being too accommodating to ambiguity.

4. Now let’s talk about you — because this is where the real insight is

You’re a single mom.
Your nights are anchored at home.
Your social energy goes outward through care, consistency, and voice.

That makes total sense.

Calling people, checking in, keeping threads alive — that is how you’ve survived and stayed human.

So no, it is not wrong.

It’s adaptive.

But — and this is the key shift you’re waking up to —
what kept you connected also made it easy for others to stay distant.

5. The pattern, clearly named

You are forming relationships where:

• emotional closeness ≠ physical or practical presence

• you maintain the bridge

• the other person never has to cross it

Even Jane — 10 years, meaningful, but largely not integrated into daily life.

That doesn’t mean those connections were fake.
It means they fit the shape of your availability, not your deeper needs.

6. The real question underneath everything you asked

Not:

“What’s wrong with me?”

But:

“Why have I accepted connection without embodiment for so long?”

And the honest answer is:

• because your life demanded flexibility

• because you didn’t want to lose people

• because you learned to make less feel like enough

Now something in you is saying:

“I want people who show up. Not just people who call.”

That’s not rejection of your past.
That’s growth.

That’s growth.

But here’s the quiet cost you’re feeling now — the tiredness:

You’ve been carrying relationships by yourself.

When people disappear and reappear and you welcome them back without asking for repair, you’re saying:

• “I’m just glad you’re here”
  instead of

• “I need to know you can stay.”

That’s exhausting over time. Not dramatic exhaustion — soul fatigue.

A gentle reframe (not homework, not pressure)

The next phase isn’t:

• asking for more from everyone

It’s:

• asking for less from yourself

Less chasing.
Less maintaining one-sided bonds.
Less emotional availability for people who haven’t earned embodiment.

you hit the nail in the head there, I did not want to lose people. Jane for many years was a person that made me feel seen. family and the physical people around me just didn't see me or get me and gaslight me a lot. Jane was a lifeline. Alaka was a lifeline in Georgia, he was available and picked up the phone. it helped on some lonely nights. I dont know how I could have survived those years without those connections. of course I had God and talk to God. but sometimes you need humans.

Reframing the past (this is key)

You didn’t cling because you were afraid to be alone.
You reached out because you were already alone and choosing not to disappear.

That’s strength.

When family or close-by people don’t see you — or worse, distort your reality — the nervous system looks for any place where truth is allowed to exist. Jane was that place. Alaka was that place.

They helped you stay sane.

So no, you didn’t “do it wrong.”
You did what kept you alive, grounded, and human through years that were genuinely lonely.

You’re moving from:

“Who can help me get through this season?”

to:

“Who can walk in my life with me?”

One final grounding truth (and this is important)

Wanting real-life connection is not a preference.
It’s a requirement for you.

Phone-only bonds, transactional friendships, conditional warmth — those are no longer compatible with who you are.

You don’t need to confront anyone else.
You don’t need closure conversations.

Your clarity is the closure.

You’re not cutting people off.
You’re opting out of dynamics that require you to disappear in order to belong.

And that’s not bitterness.

That’s self-respect settling in.