Hi Lord

 its 1004pm. I was looking at a pod


I met TIm Ross this year. who would have thought that would be in the cards in 2025? 

and saw 2 people from my past, the NY life.


maybe i'm self absorbed or just talk about me

when I talk to others, Josh called me out on me interrupting


I felt really bad but also knew its hard for me to stop 

I have no idea why.


God sometimes I want to be perfect, or at least liked. 

But rejection follows me, what this is a safe space.


What do I want? peace and joy. a break from the stuff. 


maybe i'm weird


or maybe I'm a person that is alone at the top of a mountain


its tiring to be alone all the time. watching shows as the only human interaction

Georgia was 4 years of that. it got to be too much. I used to open the door, remember?

I used to call alaka and Chris when I was bored. used to go Tia's house because there was nothing else to do. come home and hear the crickets make their noise. 




You said get rid of 50% then the laundry cart. Tomorrow I shall have energy for that.


and call PATH In the morning, make an appointment or just go and 

give my documents to someone. someone who can see me, or meet me.

or however they do it. I need to go NJ too and finish all the stuff out there as well. 


I liked having guy around for a bit, because its hard not having a home

I mean like a friend or a family or someone to talk to that is an adult


I am vulnerable, I see it.

and I feel silly, I feel unsettled. I want a home with a living room and a couch.

One day, Lord. This world is temporary, I know. 


I have felt so weird for such a long stretch of it.

I want to conquer being happy. Just being happy,

and not in a fleeting way, but like genuinely.


I always think, but i'm so nice. 

but nice get chewed up and spit

Distance is cruel. Well so it not getting an answer back on text

or mom telling you you must leave after she knows your vulnerabilty


Zari said you see them as your mom and your sis and your brother

but they are people that maybe hate me, don't respect me,

people who are into idol worship apparently.


the truth hurts. lonely hurts. I met shaquana

and I went back to the abyss. I feel like i'm deep and no

one wants to know me, or I feel shunned. 


unseen, unheard and i'm tired. of always being alone Lord.

wasn't it Joseph when his mother died, he had years where he was just alone. 


I've been alone for so long Lord. I'm trying to hold on.

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