Alaka and thoughts

 This morning I wake and thoughts of you flood my brain

I have successfully de-centered you from my life

I don't call, I don't need, I don't seek.

You never reach out so the relationship, naturally, has stopped.

There is no talking and no invitations will come in the mail, I suppose

so there is nothing to do.

I was so excited to see you and you visibly was not the same.

You left, you knew I had nowhere to go, you might have laughed and left. 

Didn't call, didn't see how I fared. 

I called you when I was in Cali when Sam was getting on my nerves

I think you didn't like I was on this mission when making money was the thing.

The wife didn't like something I said, I clarified it in the moment. She didn't want to repair.

I didnt know she yelled at you years later, Zari said ya'll had marriage problems, that was probably it. 

It's hard to see yourself in other people's eyes. In times, all I saw was my love for you.

I loved you like a brother, I see you as a brother.

In time, after you got married you used our friendship.

Your wife orders you to do something then you would call me to help you do it.

I don't know why i'm the go to person. maybe its because i'm so good with houses?

But you turned our friendship in adulthood, not as a chance to hang out and have playdates or dinners.

It was task and help me with this and help me with that.

When you wanted to move to CT, you called me wanted me to go live there and 

start some daycare in the basement. You wanted me to be an employee and 

you and your wife make all the profits. Even then, it was unequal. I do the work,

ya'll take care of the housing and that's my payment plus some money I guess.

Everything is a transaction with you. My honesty, my heart, my loyalty I think that was never valued.

When I started setting boundaries and saying no, then you jumped and skipped over me

and tried using my sister. That hurt me. I didn't check you, I just advised my sister

that you will be her go to person if she does you favors.

I was disgusted by this behavior. The real weird, last straw type was when you called to help

you move. I had to move 5 times and I did them all by myself. Would never think to call

you to help. Obviously you had confessed your wife had an issue with me.

You said you and her were okay with me coming over and help. 

Why for this task, you think of me? Hey, there is manual labor, let's call Auris?

These are not the type of calls I want to get from friends.

I hadn't seen your brother in years. You call and say hey Idris is here, we want to visit you.

So you paint it as a social visit then when ya'll come over its a business proposition.

You could have been honest about that. Then i'm honest and I say I don't have it, this

proposition comes with $100 a month payment and ya'll say I will make it back.

That's nice, they're not gonna pay my bills when they are due.

Then Alaka leaves and calls and says how I made his brother look at me weird.

It was the boundary that was crossed that never happened again.

I was honest about my single mother struggle and I was hungry in front of them.

They didn't give a fuck. I was trying to figure out how to feed Alex because I had

such gone through a thing where the money was taken from my bank account.

They were there, we had done many trips, I had personally used my funds to feed both of these

brothers many times. I had even cooked for these brothers in these trips. And here I was,

years later, with a kid, told them about the emergency and was trying to figure out how to eat

and they saw me, knew my need, and proceeded to get in their car and leave. 

People have different values but I was shocked at this.

Then Alaka calls and tries to make light or make fun of me, like I did

something wrong by being honest. He stepped a line by coming over

with a business proposition. He could have said that shit over the phone, and I 

didn't like that he used his brother and how many years it had been since I had seen him,

against me. Idiris I guess didn't care about the relationship, it was a transaction.

Its always a transaction with them and I didn't see it before. 

I thougth it was a friendship, but its always gonna be transactional and I don't need people like

that in my life. I love him and his wife, from afar. If the only thing they can think of me

is when they need help moving boxes, i'm good off of that. If friendship is ignoring 

people's needs and only calling them to get free labor, i'm good off of that. 

It sucks to be alone but it is clear to be  clear. 

Getting rid of the people in my heart that no longer alone. 

It's God or nothing. I made so many excuses for people. For so many years.

It became abusive. To keep forgiving people, to keep opening that door, 

I was trained for this shit. I was trained wrong. My life was never about me.

Maybe they are mad my degree didn't lead to success. they were sold

an American dream, it doesn't work out for everyone. 

I'm left alone in my mess, I didn't ask for anything. 

And when I'm ask I'm wrong. they are okay looking the other way when I drown.

No one wants the responsability. the mom, I thought I had a relationship with her too.

when I saw her after years she just started asking me a million questions about 

my son's education. I know she was a teacher but goddamn, Auris is here. 

Are  you not just a tiny bit excited? 

Well, you cant force who likes you and who does not. 

The only thing that hurts now is what happened between

me and Kendall and Randall. The thing, nothing happened, 

just no calls, no meetups for years. I am back in NJ for 2 years, they 

haven't tried to meet. Its always me reaching out to them, keeping the friendship alive. 

I'm tired. and I"m here, and I'm alone. Guy was refreshing because

it was nice to get a kiss from someone. It felt validating like getting picked.

I saw this thing, it said heal so that attention doesn't feel like love.

Ain't that a way to cut the whole slice open?

Heal so that attention doesn't feel like love. Its not love, its its substitute.

Attention when someone just looks, just receives.

like when we go to a museum and just absorb the images.

Something about me tells people, this here, is a sucker.

She's nice and kind and so much to offer. 

But don't take care of her, just let her take care of you.

It does go against my programming to receive.

Call it a lifetime of living like Cinderella.

I built my identity up on how much I could give and do

and be efficient and the grades that I could get. 

I was so happy to tell Guy about the shit.

I felt like a little girl, having his attention that day.

I didn't see how unsafe he was. it took me a while to see it.

My body had such a reaction to him. 

It still gets fuzzy. 

So in the end, no Alaka as a friend, No Kate or Randall. 

No people to offended, no people to invite me to the cookout.

Deli guy, I don't know his deal but probably like barber guy,

some guys just enjoy having my attention. 

Get your life. Get your brain, get your emotions in order. 

Start studying your cybersecurity thing like your life depends on it, 

BECAUSE IT DOES. If I can just figure out housing and Alex's school

those things running in the background of my mind. Not really, they are in the front.

It demands my attention. Guy was an extra things anyway. It was nice being a woman

for a while, in that space. But like Alaka, he started using me too. 

How did he know? My life is in a loop. Protect yourself from people, Auris.

you like you should know about the dangers of the jungle.

It takes more than it gives, maybe not a good outlet. 

I forgive you, Alaka for not knowing how to say it. 

Your negativity about me, I just cannot be around it. 

You might come around later, and try to be in my life. I'm good off of that.