Sensual and vulnerable

 That's how last night was

I wake up, and I don't feel like myself

I feel like you

a desire to be sensual, a desire to be touched

Different than the way I feel in my body

I know that I still feel you

we cuddled and yes, there was that moment 

that you kissed me. I asked you if you mean it, 

you said yes

You are so sexy, a full man

very apologetic, very patient, very solution oriented.

I have been fending for myself for so long

I know that you stayed your distance when my 

world was falling, you told me to call U-Haul 

and that was the last piece of the puzzle that 

helped me with everything else.

You are there, in my friends' barbershop

You are not a regular person I can just ignore

You are a person that I most likely will see everyday

as long as God keeps making a way for me here

I wake up today, I feel this being said

This is a gift, gift from God

God didn't send me last night

So what authority did I have?

Also realization that I am sensitive, 

it is the way I was made

He was not trying to be in touch with his emotions

Maybe not emotionally aware

but the discernment did not lie

There was a woman, hurt him so deeply

Yes there have been betrayals but that's not what was at the core of his back

It was the woman, who hurt him and I felt it today

as I was riding the bus. 

I felt her impact on him,

such a fear to be hurt

In his face and feet, such a desire to be held and 

a desire to receive love.

A desire for a place to relax, lay his hat down.

The front is all sexual and confidence.

He didn't know how to hold the moment without making it sexual. 

He asked me various times, he wanted to turn it sexual. 

His masculine bravado, his aggressiveness, he was so open and so brave

he got naaaa, I did not expect that.

He could have mentioned it, what kind of massage did you think this was?

He completely exposed himself and he wanted to be touched.

I was there and did what I said I would do, a massage. 

It was so vulnerable and so sensitive and so delicate. 

I'm me so I'm used to being in weird spaces.

Afterward of course I am scared of intimacy. 

But we spoke, everything was cool.

No intent there to conquistarme. 

He said yesterday I went to the barbershop and 

he just felt like that, to ask me out. 

He had said earlier, I'm single you are single.

Like an equation of two people that can try to fix 

each others' lonileness. He then made another offer, 

this Saturday. Let's go out, food, rooftop out in West NY.

He already had a place, this time in this plan it was

the kids can come and spend time together. 

It sounded very fast, very we are not ready. very 

the whole point is for me to not go out with my son.

I'm in mommy mode. I want to be in woman mode. 

Wear a dress, wear lipstick. Dance a slow bachata with someone. 

I denied the request, I said I totally have to catch up with my studying. 

and I also told him I need space and just me allowing myself

to be around him and my space is big for me. 

I can't shake this feeling off of me. 

I know its not mine but its like a feeling I carry,

the feeling of someone else. 

This morning I prayed against it, I thought it was a spririt.

Such a strong desire to be held, to be cuddled up against something 

or someone. then in the bus came the pain again, the pain of betrayal.

Someone you let in and hurt you deeply, maybe undeserved. 

A heart that's grieving inside a body that just wants to be touched,

deeply touched. a whole man, he was a man. 

I've never been with a man. 

It's been boys. This is different. I need to be in my cocoon now, 

come back to me and how I feel and 

make sure that I don't feel pressured to do anything. 

I wasn't looking for anything when I went to the barbershop,

that is still the same. Like the Greg guy, I am flattered that someone

saw me as a woman.

Being a mom it feels like the days are long with a whole lot of tasks ahead. 

It felt nice that a man was attracted to me. I was just being me.