God says

 don't focus on David

as he's gonna come, your life is going to be easier

marriage is a place where you serve

you don't think what you're gonna get

I AM YOUR PROVIDER. 

God is my provider, that's who I need to seek to meet my needs. No one is saving me, I guess. 

Listening to this song, Christina Perri 'a thousand years'

for me at the time, it was a song where my imagination could run wild.

I pictured the wedding, I swear I planned out all the details in my head.

I don't think about that anymore. so much time has passed.

Listening to it now, 11 years later. I don't feel as connected to it. I'm analyzing their chords and 

melody and I realize that they reworked the wedding song into it. Her pace is the pace of the woman stepping to her husband. Its horribly slow and steady.

That's life, slow and steady. I steady been one day at a time figuring out how to be a mother. 

God said today i'm not where He wants me to be yet. Hard pill to swallow. I know i'm on my way.

I understand, in my heart, that it does NOT mean that I'm not good enough. (how I would have taken it back in the past). 

that temptation was in the back of my mind. God must trust me to tell me this. 

I keep thinking I hear this, like I whisper. to wait. 

i'm getting this male attention. it is so hard for me to deal with in my body.

it feels foreign to be wanted, to be liked. something I sure would have welcomed when I was 16 and it didn't come.

now at this stage and being a mother and more comfortable in that role because that's what I've had to be. trying to study and be a better provider and all of that. life is a game I pray for hope so that I don't lose it.

The prophesy gave me the extra boost that I needed. So interesting that God knows exactly what we want, what we need. 

The devil temps us with what we want, something to starch a deeper desire. God knows us better than we know ourselves.

I felt so bad for falling into temptation before. I also felt mad at God that I was even in that situation. I didn't know how to say no. I was so weak. These past 2 years people have done shady things to me, and once again inaction has taken over. 

As much as I pray I feel like i'm not supposed to do anything. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.