Sabbath

 this Sabbath it was church and family. its 930pm. sebastian is in a zoom meeting. Cesar and dsuya are here in the kitchen with mom.


suya is her happy self. I am happy to see her. 


cesar asked alex if he wants to go to his house. I said i'm here i'm mom I'm alive. cesar said yeah, I asked him to ask you. small steps.


so weird. 


anyhow today in church I sat next to the lady that hurt me and put me in financial bind. I know, don't blame people.

ANGEL

The thought of you just makes my head spin. Going after you means going back to the house. I have no car. I can take a train one of these days. How bad will it be? why are things that are easy for others so hard for me?

And am I being judged for being single mom? for being broke? I hate that I am not in my potential. part of me feels like people should value me more, like my friends. they don't call anymore. but the signs were there, that season is gone. I remember friends from college it took me like 10 years to get used to that they wont be part of my life.

Abandonment wound. Aljary, you were here, then you left and no, you cannot come back. And we grow up. and it was really shocking that Josh shut down so fast. I missed it. I was so excited to speak to him. every interaction is rushed. 

I hate being judged. I'm glad he was honest and he was smiling and it was like the first time I get talked to that way and I didn't get offended.

Part of me is fighting this sadness that wants to come on. Other part of me is wishing that nothing was said, that I was perfect and that I never disappoint anyone. Part of me wants to be seen 

I'm not used to 







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