I made it, to church

 Pastor was there

My group was celebrated. they said 8 months and a slide show showed my community service.

It felt good that day, to get up and do community service.

oh how I exited I get.

oh how sad and disappointed I get when things don't turn a way

What way? stable way?

Why do I chased something so much and it just keeps going away from me

and people with no remorse they keep living

and I keep... its like the song I go to black

It's hard. it was the pastors day. I said I thought maybe this should be the last day

God reminded me, teach the kids. my son still hates the church.

I've done things before, when people did not accept me, there was not much love.

I was in a room full of people and I felt alone, my usual feeling. 

someone invited me to Friday night. I didn't have the strength to tell her

how fucked my life right now.  I was wondering if I should get a job

I know that's not the answer, go to therapy. heal your body. by faith I am healed.

I shared with no one the deliverance. its all personal. its all me. I live a solitary life.

how did ghost hold it all in? when I first saw the show, I related so much to him.

he held it all together, he had to oversmart everybody. sometimes you do all you can,

and you still cant win. I've been losing so for so long it got used to it.

I AM A WINNER. my soul screams. 

my reality is far, that never stopped me before.

my kid doesn't want nighttime routine anymore and in the space

what will I become? I met a guy he wants my attention. 

I just got delivered. thank God Greg stopped reaching out. he never came to Bayonne for me. even the day I was there was happenstance. he was good for one thing, talking crazy over text.

no follow up, no call or plans made for the weekend. I have my life and he has his.

the things he said was enticing. but I knew it was my greed, my affection for touch.

I want a love that is forgiving, a love that feels like water drops on my face. 

I want a world that conspires to do good for me, I want a baby just because.

and a house to do my own dishes, can you imagine? how that costs me, what it costs.

I don't want to talk to guys until my hair is done. its not really the top of the list for me,

unfortunately. I should have stayed up and done my hair. but I just don't have it in me. 

I stay here and I rest. I rest for days. my blood, it comes out of me. I bleed my foot. I lay,

I do dishes. I say i'm raising my son but to be honest we are not doing much. our weeks go in a constant commute. life in Georgia was so easy but its far away when I don't think on it much.

I desire Miami so bad. I desire independence and money and the ability to travel and the ability to speak.

focus so much on yourself that you rise up. save $800 so that what she stole from you doesn't count. I want the bitterness to leave my heart like poison that one spat out.

I want to go to YouTube and be able to look at my ideas. I am afraid that i'm getting older and running 

Out of time and nothing is happening. nothing is happening. my life is pick up Alex and study this. my whole thing is hope on a future that no one knows if it exist. I thought David was going to come into my life and give me some air to breathe. I've been shocking, suffocating, I know a human person cant fix this.

Why does everyone have someone to love, and I am trying to learn how to be complete in a lonely misery. I am positive and I look forward. the moments I had in Miami they were all temporary with temporary people. I rushed into things hoping they would last. 

Having a little bit of something made me realize how big was the gap. I need hands that can hold this heart. or maybe someone that just loves crazy old me. someone that won't tire of my stories. Someone that I can just BE WITH. I've been learning how to be by myself. I am scared of letting go. the CS case I pursued, turns out there are more things that I need to know. do I have to face Manuel in court? or is just angel? why is digging out skeletons from the past so tedious? I thought this would all be easier in facing things but honestly like a giant, I am just looking for a big blanket to hide under. 

How much more can I take? how much more can I take? I've been holding in all that happened to me. its hard not to feel like a victim.