Butterfly

 means metamorphosis

The Miami dream was me in the middle of the torn apart horse

I am the horse

I am surrender. I get here God says, surrender let me take over. Let everything that is gonna happen happen.

I let it all happen. I got kicked out. I went from place to place. I took the low paying job. The one I knew I would be struggling with. 

You then said study Cyber, did that. started teaching it on the weekends so that the students could pass. 

I was in my gift. It was amazing. 

Today I put up the butterfly curtains. I am a woman of my word. I bought it on Friday and today is Sunday, perfect day to put it up.  I did laundry asz well. 

Mom treated me with abuse yesterday. I see from my journal entries it's been the same experience all these years. I am tired of being hurt. I want to shine, I want to sign, I want to do a play. 

I  WANT TO GET ALL THESE IDEAS OUT OF MY HEAD.

My heart is breaking. I feel the heartbreak of Angel, really feel it. Was crying about it last night. the lack of love from my father, my family, my siblings, the abuse from my mother. It all felt familiar. The feelings I bury deep deep inside. The ones I have to push through,

you are the one I think of. sometimes, like dang what would life have looked like if he stayed? and would I have been ready for David yet? I wasn't supposed to fall for you. It was all a temporary temptation that took 11 years of my life, nope 12. Manuel saying some shit that sent me to you for comfort. You laughed.

LIke Jawuan, you did not have the hands to hold my heart. 

I see that now. I attach darkness and evil entities that want to entice. Derail me from my destiny, Lord when will it be time.

they say use your gift. I would love that. hard to do when your homeless. 

Today I was thinking of a play. I said out loud, at least thinking is free. the one place I can be myself, the one place that no one is going to tell me 'i'm too much' or 'not enough' 

or stop doing that, do dishes. 

I AM THE BUTTERFLY> right before it flies. I am broken down. My feelings from all those years ago are coming back. I am forced to sit with it. Angel, I loved you. I loved you deeper than I did anyone my whole life. I believe.

Was it love? the question that I never could quite answer. I have no answer to why my heart chose you. Why, why why and which did I expect something from you had never done. I thought your love for me would pull you through. maybe you just like my ass. maybe you missed all of who I am.

you don't feel bad. you laughed at your assault. you disgust me. you are ea small man, I see why I was not mean to end up with you. total derailment of my destiny. but oh, how I have hurt. hurt all this time.

Everyday like a person with a clutch I keep walking and I imagine that I never met you. and I hate you, I hate that I loved you and I hate that I wanted you to stay. I hate how easy it was for you to leave. I hate that you saw who and what I was and you decided, nope. let me leave.