Angel

 What am I feeling?

Why all the crying? Why so sensitive?

God my life doesn't look like what I thought.

The noises at night sometimes keep me up. i'm trying to find peace in this city. It's not available I used to close the door and have it there, at least some silence. Floor 2 is louder. It's better for Alex, less stairs for him.

I just feel like life went down this path and I don't recognize it, why am I here, how am I here. 

IS THIS WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO? Is raising Alex my legacy? will I have a legacy? I thought I was supposed to be great. it doesn't feel great to be rejected by family, to have few new friends. To never go outside. to not have an adult life. not that it will mean much. I thought I was supposed to use my gifts, sing, or start a business, make some money. When I was in Miami, you alluded that I did have some travel in my future. 

Everything from Miami is coming up. God, how I held that in for 2 years. All that happened, and I had to pretend like it didn't happen. It's all coming up Lord. and the thing with Angel, background, running.

I'm just sensitive right now. I feel abandoned, rejected. 

God- I have you. Let me... 

2/14 I am back. its Saturday. I'm crying once again. Maybe i'm just backed up. The dream got me. Why I keep thinking of reaching out to Jose. but I don't want to tell a man my sexual trauma. 

I think that's what the dream is about. Part of me wants to go to central park but the truth is, i'm hoping external triggers will fix that is going on with me. its been the third day I have been crying. I woke up and I  just didn't feel safe. I see now that everything can be perfect and I have a brokenness inside. I feel like a little girl. A tiny little girl, who needs protection, who needs warmth, who needs love, who needs people. and I know, i'm trying to give myself the love I never had. 

I was running, there was the confusion. I didn't see the guy. then the guy was there. then I was chased by this big man and I was scared. and I woke up and I felt not safe. I felt violated, once again. the first time it happened I didn't know it. I feel weird from everyone. 

It's okay to have grief. to have grief over the life I thought I should have had. From the men that I've been around that should have protected me. my uncle played with me when I was little. my memory of my dad was the rooftop with the marbles. times like those when I was around male presence. my brother even when we were in the same house, there was no touch, no intimacy, no talking. he was always lying or ordering me around. never a real moment, he's been fake since I met him. always with an agenda. 

I keep thinking to talk to Jose. I am afraid to be vulnerable. I have to face my thing. I mean what am I even waiting for? I spent so many years in fear. 

My family- plastic. I have always been too deep for them. I like making random connections. but no one stays. people you meet on the street are not meant to stay. you can give and pour into people, and still they cannot stay. you cant help when people leave. 

Say to Bri, my inner child, I am not leaving you. Even the girl I told her and was vulnerable with her, she needs $100 to talk to me again. There is no relationship there. I mean, there is but she will only make time if I pay. Okay, be honest. just like Alaka, they turn you into a transaction. 

Do I use sex feelings as an escape? I don't know. Everytime I feel vulnerable I don't want to sit in it. and now it feels like it's all coming and I hate crying, I hate being vulnerable. so if I'm in bed and these feelings come up my body goes into comfort and doing that so that I stop crying, being vulnerable.