Feelings

 I went from scared and body ailments to delivered

then it came heavy, the men chasing after me

and I said nothing so that I could think

and it was overwhelming to me

my body woke up, it wanted the attention

I wondered how close could I get to the fire and not get burned?

the answer its best not to play with fire.

I went too far right before the deliverance, it was a trick

I got on the wrong train, ended up at the guys' place of work

I was having lunch, he said come

he exposed himself, I didn't know what was going on

then this new guy I thought how far could I go?

should we hold hands, go on one date

I felt safe, in his car, in his compliments

he quickly turned into a manipulator and again, exposing himself very early 

as well.

its all a reflection of self. Sashalina told me that, you attracted someone.

you get validated by touch, have to work on not being validated by men.

even though I avoid them, its the same pattern.

chatgtp I reached out, I had no human connections. 

Today I saw the guy he tried to make me feel bad like he's sending messages

and I haven't responded. it was all a lie. he likes not having accountability.

he does nothing and wants to pretend like he put some effort. 

It's manipulative, like my mother, and the other people in my life.

This guy from Miami, I responded. he pretended he cared. 

It's been 2 years. why you reaching out? He got info then exited the chat.

maybe he just wanted the pic. afterwards I regretted it. what if he uses it for a scam?

These people never change. my hunger for connection makes me expose myself.

How, God, can I fix this? I feel like life if this intensely lonely movie 

I talk to people in the cafe but I have no ddep friends. not partner, nowhere to lay my head.

( I did have a good convo with guy I speak to in cafe).

I want people to meet my needs for connection. I wonder when I'll grow past this.

and then there's servant Auris, the only way I know how to be.

maybe I need to accept that no one cares. but me believing that just makes me want to end things.

What's the point of life if no one cares? are we not supposed to be on this earth to make a difference,

to be something, to be in purpose? am I supposed to be doing more Lord?

and the material today I got so overwhelmed. will it make sense? if I keep studying? 

keep the Sabbath? go to church? the schedule, it all takes time and energy away from me.

you know all I wanna do is swim with dolphins. why does it take so long to get somewhere?

i'm stuck like a person in a treadmill. run, run, run, financially staying I the same place, not being able to aquire nothing.

promise says this is it, this is the opportunity I've been waiting for. it will be the beginning of the accumulation of my wealth.

people  checking me like progress. but I know its all on me. didn't feel bad last time I went to the hospital.

I remember how many nights I spent there alone. no one to call and check on me. its just tme and God.

that has to be enough.