Friends

 Zari rushed me when I was trying to tell her a story about a guy in my past

She didn't want to hear it, she like this guy that did this and that I know the story and brushed me off

Sam did the same thing too when I was telling him the story of how I wrote my book.

Jane said it doesn't make sense. She met me when I was 28 and now i'm 38. It doesn't make sense that I am still struggling.

I feel like I need new friends. They are getting tired of my story. Maybe that's why there's been the separation. They are tired of me.

That's how I feel. For housing and stuff you need money. I feel like 'not enough' when Jane says that. 

Like I just spent a whole year working. Does that count for anything? me getting kicked out of rooms that I was renting it was something that happened to me and my son. I did not incite it or create it.

EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS OUR FAULT. Ms Maisel's father says 

When David was in the caves. He had no friends. It forces you to get closer to God.

When I was homeless I would call Sam. What I needed, emotional support. Alaka didn't call to check on me and I would call Sam (twice). He didn't have it to give, emotional support. I guess men feel bad when they cant give you a solution to a problem. 

I FEEL BAD LORD. That my old best friend Jane (we havent been as close and no longer talk on the phone for the last 2-3 years) said that it doesnt make sense. that I am still not stable or financially set yet. 

and I have nothing to say. I was working. in Georgia there was no work stuff. She did gift me a laptop when I was there, she helped me start. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.

This is my life. and if I leave NJ, the whole who's gonna pick Alex up so that I can work thing will always be there. Should I focus on doing an online store? Those people I follow have an amazing work/life balance.

I want to be a speaker but my life is not set up like that yet. Who will support?  I thought if I could pay for everything, Jenny and her girl could come with me to Miami Beach but she said no last year. It was a blow to me at the time. I was thinking I need someone to be home to be the childcare so that I can work and do what I need to do to pay the rent, work responsabilities, etc.

IT WAS A NO. My heart broke a little that day. and Miami Beach slipped farther and farther away. 

SASHOLINA TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY, PLACE MIAMI BEACH IN GOD'S HANDS. Like stop trying to make it happen and just put it in God's hands believing it will happen in God's time. I think she learned that in her situation. Her situation seemed impossible and there was nothing else for her to do. so she just trusted God.

Similar to Jane, she was at her parent's home and it was horrible. All she could do was pray. and God provided her the job in LA and then she moved and then her husband came, seemly all at the same time, I'm not sure of the details. 

JANE CRIED ON THE PHONE. I don't remember regarding what. I was so grateful she called me in her alone time and that she trusted me with her heart. Separation always feels like rejection to me so it hurts me in the past that she was no easily accessible anymore. I had to get used to this new normal, that we don't talk every  day or once a week to then you know what? Never. Never is common. That call yesterday, that was an anolomy. It's been a year to get used to that. Having a job that kept me busy helped. 

okay, Its Monday I have to get ready and look at what errands I have today. But I had to write, I was upset.

I THOUGHT MEETING HUBBIE WOULD GIVE ME THE STABILITY I WAS LOOKING FOR. I really did. I am tired of instabilty. I want a home that no one can take away. BUT I DIDNT MEET HIM. And here I still am. My son turned 11 this week.

I thought marriage and stability was coming when he was a baby. No, actally when I was pregnant. that's when i first hear it. Nope, I heard it before Angel. Maybe i pushed the promise away. I dont know. But I still believe, my believe is what keeps me alive.