Walks in the Park

 "After being isolated for so long, I imagine there’s something deeply comforting about not having to earn your place in someone’s life by being useful, entertaining, or okay." I definitely cannot be around my family when i'm like this. That says a lot, doesn't it? With your family, it sounds like being in a vulnerable place doesn't feel safe. You can't simply show up as you are, depleted and struggling, without worrying about how you'll be perceived or what your vulnerability might mean in their eyes. And that is exhausting in its own way. You're already trying to get through depression, and then there's the additional burden of managing how other people see you. With your neighbor, you get to exist. With your family, you feel like you have to manage your existence. I can understand why that difference would feel so significant right now. And I think there's something important here: you aren't incapable of receiving love or companionship ...

the roach incident was I opened the door and a roach was there, dead. then I tried to pick it up with some paper so that I can get it out of the hallway. it became alive and it freaked me out and I've been dealing with that every since. my chest was elevated and breathing hard and still feel weird from that instance.  I went on the walk and got the creamer. The walk, which was supposed to be nice and happy, instead became an errand for creamer which I agreed to. I was happy because it did include walking. Now I'm back, waiting for coffee. Without the fresh air. maybe I'll get the coffee and go.  I think what you're trying to tell me is that the incident didn't stop you from doing things, but it changed how you feel inside while doing them. Exactly chat! You started the day rested, motivated, wanting fresh air and connection. Then that sudden fright happened, and now there's this uncomfortable feeling following you around. You hate that something so brief can aff...

 You are allowed to stop studying the people who hurt you and start enjoying the life you're building. You're not saying your family still has the same hold on your heart. You're saying that you don't want them continuing to occupy your mind when you're trying to live your life. You can be watching a show, enjoying yourself, and suddenly a memory or thought about your brother appears. You wake up and upsetting memories are already waiting. Then you have to spend energy recovering from feelings you didn't invite. 4. Get some help specifically for the recurring memories. I'd bring this exact experience to a therapist: unwanted upsetting memories on waking, emotional distress, and losing part of the morning recovering. Approaches such as trauma-focused CBT or EMDR may be worth discussing. You don't need to have a particular diagnosis to ask for help with this. And one thing about forgiveness: you don't have to keep repeating "I forgive you" ev...

 I also love that for a moment you weren't thinking about errands, housing, appointments, motherhood, or the next thing on your calendar. You were just that teenager who admired this beautiful woman on television, suddenly standing next to her in Manhattan.

  7. I think you're learning that you can be loved without performing This is perhaps the deeper thread I notice. You've spent years being useful, responsible, accommodating, initiating, and carrying a lot. Sometimes relationships have felt like another place where you had to do the work. Now you're exploring what it feels like to simply occupy space and let other people meet you there. You don't have to entertain someone. You don't have to solve their problems. You don't have to keep calling to prove you care. You don't have to be having a good day to deserve companionship. You can just be. You're not losing your desire for relationships. You're changing your relationship with relationships. You still want closeness, friendship, family, romance, companionship, and community. But you increasingly want those things to be mutual. And I think the sunflower metaphor captures that beautifully. You're still open. You're still growing. You're st...

 So metiems I resent myself because i'm an idea person and I hate the ideas that have still not been able to materialize. I hear you. There's a particular frustration in being able to envision so many possibilities for your life, having the creativity and imagination to see what could exist, but not yet having the resources, stability, energy, or circumstances to bring those ideas into reality. And I wonder whether sometimes you look at your ideas and feel like they're evidence of all the things you haven't done, rather than evidence of how much creativity and ambition you still have. But I want to separate two things: An idea that hasn't materialized is not a personal failure. Some of your ideas have been waiting on circumstances you didn't have control over. You've spent years dealing with survival, housing, finances, motherhood, and rebuilding. That's a lot of life competing for the same energy you wanted to put toward creating.