This morning

 I think of the prayer the father did

when he went to work

if my life is to be laid down today, please take care of my daugther.

He was so given to his job, he knew the possibility of death was upon him

and he gave his life, to save this young man's life. he was CEO and affected 

financially the country. is that all a man is? the girl, she loved him deeply. 

worked hard and was working class. so was her roomate. the guy would later on 

fall in love with her, and therefore change her life and make it better. in the financial 

sense i guess. but they were parents and had to raise kids and life was life. 

I like that they loved each other deeply. their kids were so cute. 

true love is fruitful. 

I think of Angel, when I drop off Alex. its been 2 years, its time to sue. you said it,

alluded to it when I got to church for the first time.

DO I HATE STABILITY?

I hate chaos and drama. I do love it in my shows, i think myself of producing shows. 

shows that other people can watch, and that they might like. Zatima is crazy

but I like how Tyler Perry shows the bigger story, we have more time with 

these characters. So that we have time to judge them, to be in love with them,

to grasp their messiness. Karen is so mean to Zach but when he leaves and 

makes something of himself she's all of a sudden regretful. Is it that she

was mad that he wasnt making anything? the day he said, okay go ahead

like he was used to her verbal abuse, I thought that was so sad. Fatima

alsways saw what he could be and gave him a chance. He didnt understand it.

But then he came with a pile of crap and then it seemed like how much stuff 

are you gonna take from him? how many more piles of shit are you gonna eat?

the guy from Ms Midge said life is a all you can eat shit show. he told her, you have 

to go and eat shit. you have to do it for your client. she had to meet with a woman

that she had cursed out one time. she had to eat shit. you gotta do things you didnt want to do.

you gotta do it, again and again. 

the real estate laedy she was mad her client used another agetn. but in their busines, that is how it is. 

she was mad but he told her she had to eat shit. i'm pretty sure that's the words he used.

these two shows, this is the first time I heard of it. my son isnt used to eating shit. I eat the shit, 

so he doesnt have to but maybe he needs to learn. maybe i've made it too easy. 

IDK i'm just tired of being part of this sinking train. being swallowed up by the floor.

we have been used, given rent to horrible deals, but better deals were not around. 

this whole time, no sympathy. just like the Nipsy Hussle song, judge aint sympathizig, 

jury doesn't show forgiveness. I feel that line so hard. because sometimes 

we want grace and I've been experiencing the harsh reality that people are shit, can be shit.

they are looking out for their own interest. when i got a car, roomate saw it as an opportunity

to ask me to borrow it. he felt entitled, comfortable enough to ask.

As if there are no boundaries, as if there is no respect. As if he knows me, just because he asks me

questions at night. fuck nigga.

Will I get up out of this? seems like money, arming myself with it, its a way to protect myself

against all these dangers. I'm sleeping on a couch, studying cybersecurity. has the power to lift me up out of this? 

or is this obedience wrapped up in.. I lost my track of thought.