What about Tia Margot?

 Do i feel abandoned by her?

NEVER.

why? I guess because it wasnt her choice. she didnt leave. 

she was there everyday and she raised me.

then mom kept being so upset that we loved her. then it was like keeping physical distance from her. 

i see her at family functions. eventually, she moved to the US and Marcus might have stayed with us for a little while. I remember he went to Bayonne High, it was so fun when he was here. Then she moved and she went to Atlantic City, another city so we didnt see her everyday. 

there was the day we went to the doctor, me Margot and Marcus because he had an ear infection it turned out. we walked forever to get him to the doctor. i missed at least 2 hours of school. TIA DIDNT care. he just wanted to go take him to the doctor, no matter how long it took. i remember we walked to. why didnt we take a taxi? no idea.

HOW ABOUT NOW? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HER NOW? 

Tia Margot is someone I love. I feel like she doesnt value me. She is an anti-fan. she critizes. We talk and after 5 minutes she's gonna go into what job I should do and who I should work for. 

She doesnt believe in my dreams and doesnt know what they are. so i cant be fully myself around her. OUR CONNECTION IS THE PAST. and she starts talking about mom, and now the discussion is how i left and how they didnt know where i was. 

THEY HAD MY NUMBER THE ENTIRE TIME. A COP CALLED ME AND I SPOKE TO HIM. I dont understand their logic. MOm says she thoguht it meant my phone was off. If that was true, why didnt she call it? i did pick up for tia margot one time. she was trying to get information from me. 

GOD KEPT LEADING ME THAT YEAR. KEEP MY DISTANCE WAS THE INSTRUCTION. I KNOW THEY WOULDNT UNDERSTAND. 

I reached happiness in month 5, my thoughts stop surging aroundmy family and waht they would think. i saw that i had been living in a fog my entire life, really wanting their love and approval and upset at myself that i didnt get it. LIVING FOR THME? NO LIVING FOR GOD BUT MENTALLY EXHAUSTED AT DISAPPOINTING THE FAMILY. 

God showed me THAT HE'S PLEASED WITH ME, and that's all that matters. NOW I'M BACK IN BAYONNE, and my brain thinks of them and brings them into conversation. its like that fog. its hard to not think of them. but now that i'm not at Lesly's everyday and the separation is starting. My mom doenst come over so if we dont see each other at Lesly's, then we dont see each other. Tia Margot, i dont visit her. Its always  I have to go to them. NO ONE CARES ENOUGH TO VISIT. 

I'm tired of trying to prove myself or be valuable. I AM THE MOST VALUABLE. I am RUBY, I AM GOLD. It's hard to think that way. its hard to stay in the corner. but when i go to their corner the claws come out and I'm tired of getting burned. 

Protect myself, be in my corner, be lonely sometimes. want love, still. want touch, STILL WORKING ON THAT. Maybe a massage thing in my life would be easily satisfy that need. 

Back to Tia Margot, don't feel abandoned by her. BUT I DEFINETELY FEEL NOT SUPPORTED BY HER. I know i'm not a kid anymore. but I wish she was kinder to me, and less critical and reflective. THROUGH HER, I CAN TELL MOM TALKS SHIT. JUST LIKE WITH TIA YANI COMES AROUND. THEY USE THE INFO SHE FEEDS THEM AND THEY ATTACK ME. My mom is always standing by, pretending she didn't rile up the bear and she watches them come after me. 

SHE NEVERS TAKES ME ON HERSELF. She's full of shit. I don't respect that. She's been using other people to talk to me forever. I'm not someone she can control and manipulate so then she gets adults, another league to come for me. ITS BULLSHIT AND I SEE THE GAME.