Walks in the Park

 dream- CULT  waves, nice up and down and pleasant. all white lifeguard stand,  and a dark pier towards the left. seems like the pier doesn't extend into the water, just on the beach. lifeguard stand is all white, 50 feet away from her in her left. black guy with blue backwards fitted hat. he climbs the lifeguard tower,  he puts a blue card. (like referred in a soccer game) . he has a message.  there is an angel aspect, divinity aspect to this lifeguard stand.  When he puts the blue card, people run to him and follow him. Lee is by the pier.  Puddles and mud and sand, the same black guy comes riding on grayish white spotted horse. he is galloping. he runs between the pier and the homeless man. and there's me (Lee). Grayish and white (diluted word, not a good foundation) People are galloping behind him with similar looking horses. and a lot of them, fall. the horses fall towards each other. the hooves are broken down.  the storm passed, Lee did not...

 Ryan- physchologist and district representative. lowest score is 94. visual  spacial processessing. knowing how things are  reading- strong scores but when he was reading. when he got to a word.  nonsense words- for that subtext, word atass. low average, those are made up words.  bigger base of words to pull from. recognizing patterns. Ms. Cohen, social studies. -Come out of the shell, comes to my room during lunch. do a puzzle. -much more willing to share his thoughts. her is listening to what is going on.  the planner works a lot with getting the homework a lot. the biggest thing I see in class, new vocabulary is hard for it. he's trying to memory new words. hovering just above the 80. attention to detail. providing enough details. talk to me like i'm dumb. you're the expert.  he knows, written directions. follows verbal directions very well. Gary Tepper- break it down for him. in attempts to detail, we struggle with. details to our work. we see the...

 Today was it planned? school drop off then Trader Joe's. i thought it was my choice. then while i was there i saw the calendar say to go to Trader Joe's at this time. it meant i had planned it the day before.   It wasn't random.   but i got up, did school drop off. didnt get up in time to do egg sandwich. i got up late and Alex said he had made himself Nutella sandwich. benefit of the prior day's food shopping.  he had something he could fix himself. guess that's a win. i dont like that for breakfast. but i was so tired. then the Trader Joe's. Then i come in, have meeting with case worker. it should have been short but she was talking and talking and it turned into a long convo and i wanted to end it and didn't and then i finally said i have to go soon and she said, yes okay we're just here talking.  i take bus, thought was get those things you wrote down in A-list. get him at Harlem Discount. What was so important?  (shaving stuff, hair ties, me...

 1. Johnny, was thinking on him all morning. tried to bring up the good feelings. then I got up and I realized no that's wrong. I remembered how vulnerable I was, how I gave my body up as a consolidation prize we both gave each other to each other, try to find some healing in the linking. he offered me to have a child with him, how intimate was that. an offer that would have  altered my life. I had sense enough to say no. it was not right. I was vulnerable, I was strong and yet I still said no. How much strength I had.    This is not a weak person that would do that, take the first offer that come its way. Johnny couldn't believe my poverty, he had never experienced it. he had lived his whole life with a safety net underneath. he coudnt imagine a day where his account would be less than 200k. it would be similar to us looking at our bank account and seeing a zero in it.  2) hotel guy, Nigerian guy. we validated each other. it was  movie. I enjoyed the inter...

 the wedding dream You don't know that you have a choice. what you want to wear. I had a choice.  wedding I came to first, the guy being there isn't the best, wouldn't be what I would want.  and the girl, not a person I would associate with.  iIm already helping out, helping the bride. you're scared for the girl (and what she's gonna do with Guy). I guess in NJ, I was worrying about different people.  Your life was in Jersey. I came out and then saw the other wedding. they were happy, joyful, WHAT I LIKE. I  didn't think I had a choice, I stepped up and became the helped. GUY- you had a choice. if you felt a type of way about it, you don't keep staying and say 'let me see what happens. '   My body is already telling me what it is.  I have a choice, I don't have to stay.  If I don't like this, I can always look to other things.  The African room- peace and happiness.  I HAVE A CHOICE!!! I get it! I don't have to put up with...

 What am I feeling? Why all the crying? Why so sensitive? God my life doesn't look like what I thought. The noises at night sometimes keep me up. i'm trying to find peace in this city. It's not available I used to close the door and have it there, at least some silence. Floor 2 is louder. It's better for Alex, less stairs for him. I just feel like life went down this path and I don't recognize it, why am I here, how am I here.  IS THIS WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO? Is raising Alex my legacy? will I have a legacy? I thought I was supposed to be great. it doesn't feel great to be rejected by family, to have few new friends. To never go outside. to not have an adult life. not that it will mean much. I thought I was supposed to use my gifts, sing, or start a business, make some money. When I was in Miami, you alluded that I did have some travel in my future.  Everything from Miami is coming up. God, how I held that in for 2 years. All that happened, and I had to preten...