Jane/ writings next day Wednesday

Today I got to talk to Jane.

It was nice. 

We caught up. 

I am still mad at some things. Things from the past. that come up, 

Unrecognized pain. when i was around them God helped me see most things that I was mad 

at happened 10 years ago. Let it, go Auris. Let it go.

She talked about her house search, the how she read the book of Enuch.

I told her all my troubles, summarized them. She said nothing about them, 

she said well what's been going on with me is. 

It was interesting and it made me wonder if that is how our conversations went before. 

There was no moment for them. But i was so grateful she called back and that she listened. 

I wonder how long I expect the bare minimum, like someone listening to me.

I woke up thought of my mother inviting me to Texas like she invited me to my brother's wedding.

broken promises and rules of inviting. its not her house like its not her wedding.

she kicked me out then she has the audacity to call me while i'm in a shelter and tell me to catch a plane to Texas. we must edify the brother, golden child. Who cares the recent crisis I am in.

I am mother, I am responsible. they refuse to help me in concrete ways. they did for a little bit but it was unsustainable, I know. I appreciated their help. Tio Dennis put me up for 3 months. I cleaned and cooked and washed the kids and Tia took that opportunity to do her thing.

I've  been on this journey for a long time. Patricia said like a Spanish word for she ain't shit. 

a mother that does this to us, she ain't shit. 

And this is where I am. I am frozen, in that moment. the moment you learned last roommate kicked me out, you instantly said you have 30 days. There was no grace. the grace of 30 days?

When she got the place my son was smaller and she told me i had to find somewhere. there was no grace there either.

I write these words to release the burden from my heart, the poison in my cup. I sit with this reality, I feel it in my soul. MY own mother treats me like this. 

Its not like she clocked in when i was younger. she gave that job away. as i'm older, she went to her room, ignoring my presence. how weird to be in a house that you are actively being ignored. what she was doing in her room, I do not know. but she rather be in that room than be outside and talk to me. 

I wanted to get to know her, to hear her stories. Goodness she has definitively had the time. but she didn't have it in her to pour into me or talk to me or act like i existed. 

A narcissists, the only time she showed emotion was in Tia Margot's house for some big performance. it was really interesting, really. in the car ride she showed no remorse or nothing .I went and for what? for her to do that performance in Tia Margot's house? 

I am tired of the lies and I'm tired of being the one that always pays the price. Emotionally tied to a family that does not care about me and simply does not look for me. Its been hard for me to create a life. I feel things deeply, like Angel's betrayal then my mother.

I've only had a few people. I just need a few more. 

If I can water the plant of my heart with water drops that say 'I love you' and if I can feel it each day. But each day and I think of you mother, and all your failings. I don't know why this has become my latest obsession. Why focus on a person that cannot give what you need? And the worst part is seeing you give that love to my other two siblings.

Why am I nice and kind and able and capable and all you are able to do with that is abuse me, work me until my back is full of sweat and yet your still refuse to say thank you after all these years? When I was in your home, me and my son being uncomfortable. you did nothing to make us comfortable. you used it as an opportunity for me to do your household tasks which added an hour to my day. I was already limping, my hip was snot working in physical therapy. YOU DID NOT CARE.

LET ME USE AURIS. You see me as a tool, like person sees a knife or its ____ only for its utility. You do not see me as a person, as a mother with responsibilities, a person that needed support, a person that needs rest after a body that is being rehabilitated. NO YOU NEEDED TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME.

THIS IS YOUR SICK LOGIC. You yelled at my son once because you wanted him to forcibly do something and he said no. YOU threatened him and it was horrible to witness. I was shocked really. 

I get that my brother always had his wife so he didn't need you too much. my sister has her hubbie so she also doesn't need you, financially. but you showed up for her all the ways it counted. You like my brother's house and your routine of going to his house, etc etc etc. So you said in the car. You just kept talking about his house and the new house that he has. that's all that matters.

You want to use me too. if i had a house i bet you would try and be in my pool. But i am in the poorhouse. and that seems to be all that matters to you. you don't want to spend time with me or my son. but when i took a walk you wanted to create chaos and called my brother and tell him to call the cops. you did the same to me in Georgia, called my cousin and said you didn't know where i was. 

IT'S SO OBVIOUS TO ME YOU ALWAYS NEED A WITNESS. YOU like making others uncomfortable and then blame me like i'm the one doing the thing. you didn't need to call the cops and there was no need to call my cousin to get up from bed in the middle of the morning and disturb his sleep.  The crazy part is, people really believe you. i don't know what it is that you say to people. But they really believe you. 

Alaka said it was torture listening to me. i woke up with that too. and i thought it if was torture then why didn't he tell me to stop? why hold that in for how long? i thought of all the times i listening to him complain and the transition in his life. i thought of the well of emotional support i had given him. they didn't lead to loyalty. I'm moldeable. if he hated me and when i speak, he could have said something. but that is not the point. HE IS NOT  A GOOD FRIEND. tired to exploit me when i was homeless.

It's a lot of truths that I have to confront today, truly. its 10/21 and i'm still processing. processing all these hurts. Oh how i hated living in that stupid room my mom forced me to move out of her house after I started my job. She wanted us out of there. There was a clue. she cannot stand me being there. i took out the trash, cleaned, she did her turning me into a servant bullshit. i glow too much for them.

It's good that I know that now. I glow too bright. 

I'm not gonna be in spaces that dim my light anymore. Money has power like that, you know. the power to leave spaces that don't serve you. 

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