Wake up thinking about 22'

 I was depressed

Did she care? Was she compassionate?'

it was his idea for me to come, I know you guys are not a hospital.

Now its 26' and i'm in another depressive episode.

I have no one, I am alone.

oh how I wish I was brave

maybe then they will feel bad.

nope, who knows. people suck. I wish I knew this earlier.

but I still believe in humanity. I know, a thing that people

shouldn't trust. people are wonderful and God's gifts to earth.

That's how I see it. its just my way to look at the world.

When I came to NY I realized how much NY for me was 

through the lens of my friends. When I came to this city, I wanted to hang out with them.

Did they want to hang out with me? Was it the same? I never focused on such things.

Porfirio hasn't called me in years and Alaka doesn't call. so when I stopped calling,

The calls never came. I guess I was the glue, that was keeping it going.

Family doesn't look for me either. It's hard to not be chosen because you are looking for your people. 

You start looking, and you get some people with some connection and some smile and

You want them to stay in your life. But they don't belong to you.

So what is the solution? Shall I be a sorveyor throughout this life?

I do have a son. me and him are a 2 person family. many times that did not feel like enough.

I hate that these are the thoughts I wake up with. IT does not prepare me well for my day.

I feel bad that I feel unloved. and also, thinking on things from the past that already happened.

I cannot change the past, only the future.

Auris' greatness, focus on Auris' greatness. 

maybe when all the cobwebs are outside of my head.

A house, a car, signs of adulthood but for me are not. but maybe

people are markers. it doesn't make sense to me that someone needs

to get something and pay for it in order to have respect.