Alicia Keys- All at once

 I was creating a NY playlist on this night.

A new season, deserved new songs. The songs I played on Saturday sounded like past seasons, past feelings, past dreams that never came to be. Past ideas, things that did not work.

Remember the days when just the ideas were enough? Where one can get excited. one would wonder what would bring forth the wealth. 

I am a writer. I see that now. I always have been, started at 13. but I had my kid and I stopped writing. but that part has not left me.

When I lost everything, the thing that hurt the most was the poems. all the writing that I held on for my whole life. they are lost, gone, like children that never got to breathe fresh air. it was sad, I ourned it. over 6 months. I'm an adult with a job and bills to pay, all those regular things. the things you have to do.

Things that when you are younger you don't think about because its not for you to think about yet. 

In interviews they always ask you where do you come from and where you have been, who were you, did you have a hint of who you were going to be?

If I met Daymond, I thought of what I would tell him. my thoughts on what he shared in his book of his life. 

I thought of since Miami, what I learned about how God abides in me and I in him and how I am safe because he is in me. so tonight I was not afraid. I was able to walk and experience things.

I tasted African coffee, Senegal coffee. it tasted like tea to me. like full of herbs. I said could I take one. the guy said yes, the one that approached me amonsgt the crowd of about 12 of them. what they are doing at the nighttime outside, that I wonder. 

I always thought staying inside and studying would turn my life into something that I wanted. 

NOPE. but it's not a failure on their part. Just the story of my life. 

I laughed audibly when I read this book where the guy said if he ate a hot dog he didn't have enough to take the train back home in NY and he would have to walk miles. he was so broke it was funny.

but the truth is that he was being underpaid. 

I was thinking tonight of the 1,000 weaves and how that is a high ticket offer. also how Sarey was able to get things in order because of a offer and built a business off of that. 

She said she did a real estate investment and that it went hard. she launched something and put me on it, gifted it to me. I didn't even know what it was. we don't talk no more but I hope she's doing good.

I think of Philly often but I don't think of visiting her. when I was there, she avoided me the whole weekend. even when we were in the church picnic I was relating to others and not to her. she was the connection and I think she took me out on purpose. I don't get her. and I know she doesn't get me and is not trusting. It's not my job to make her get me either. 

It''s okay to separate. I wanted a friend. I think she kept trying to place me in some role in her life because emotionally she is just not available, like AT ALL. 

I'm glad I see it now. The dream was she was sleeping with someone and was trying to make a deal out of it. like one for two with a guy, something like that. Even in sex, she was trying to make a  deal. turning intimacy into a profit. 

I guess the lesson was to let it go. 

It was very hard. and there was this guy that said: 'when someone invites you to their house is because you are like them.' this made me think, okay so she does see a likeness. 

of course I thought she was cool and so excited to meet her. the whole interaction was weird.

topic change, when homegirl left Bayonne, I would send her messages sometimes but it was situational. she has her friends that she travels with and she was looking for another remote job. I liked that she was Jamaican and joyful. she was gay and had a lesbian relationship. I didn't care, I just wanted connection.

A theme for me, it seems like. 

WEALTH IS IN MY STORIES.

God why is it so hard for me to see myself as valuable?

With homeboy that had the restaurant, I really thought we were friends. at least respect should be there. when there was no money, he treated me like a bug, like a horrible person. like I broke the contract. I did break the contract but I wanted to negotiate. Zari, was like yeah, this is the most important bill.

I couldn't live like that anymore. I was financial burden. On my unemployment and losing childcare. Summer was coming, before that my sister said no more picking up Alex. Would it have been hard for her? No, her life was already aligned where it would not have been an extra thing.

I saw her go so hard to be there for others. IDK why for me it seemed burdensome to her, like she didn't want to do for me. Like that time I really needed a ride. And I walked to the mattress place. There was no care. She was mad. I asked for help, I did what I learned. I quickly learned that it wasn't me!

It was them. I asked for help at last and I was met with contempt and resentment. Energetically, it was like that moment in the car. its like she resented me for being in a position where I needed her help. she had a car, a man that pays the bills, all the advantages. it would have been no longer than 5 to 10 minutes to drive me 2 miles. for me it was walk my body could not make due to my hip injury. 

I forced and dragged myself to a mattress store then paid premium so that they could deliver the mattress to my spot. I thought if I have a better it could help my hip. and I was right. 

ANOTHER THING I WOULD LATER LOSE.

It''s hard to build on a cloud because any little change and the whole domino setup falls apart. I knew this.

Financial stability was always based on multiple streams. as a single mother, its been hard to settle just one. my mother, all she wanted was for us to be out of her house. She didn't care about the foundation. they say they care about  my son but I have seldom seen it.  

There are things that are hard to reconcile inside of me. 

How I wanted, versus what I got. How I expect others should treat me, with love, with joy in their eyes. and the contrast with them.