Friends Part 1

 yeah i'm like keeping a tally as I write this down. 1. friend hasn't been reaching out, noted. i'm gonna step back. I called after much discomfort and she didn't pick up and sent a text instead. not her usual behavior. i'm not gonna look too deeply into the meaning. I'm just gonna move accordingly. 2. old friend is coming back and calls once in a while, i'm taking it. 3. another friend I felt weird last time we spoke like they were lying about being so busy to call me so I stepped back. its been 3 weeks, no calls. i'm taking note and instead of calling every week like I usually do, this person has not called. noted. I am standing still. I stopped calling, he didn't move towards me. I took note and i'm not emotionally offended. maybe its a wrap, maybe not. time will tell. what I do know is, i'm not chasing or doing all the work to keep friendships alive anymore. I need to focus on my life and building. only I can do it.

"I also wonder whether there's a little grief in realizing how much energy you've spent maintaining connections while you have so much of your own life to rebuild." yes the whole thing with my family and me breaking that is the reason for my changed behavior. I don't have to try so hard. i'm cool already. people can come to me. i'm the sunflower.

And the sunflower image is lovely because a sunflower doesn't chase the sun around. It grows. It turns toward the light. It occupies its space.

Maybe that's what you're practicing now: building a life you love and allowing connection to meet you there.

Not shutting people out. Not keeping score to punish anyone. Just no longer abandoning your own life to keep everybody else's connection alive.

"Processing the past: talking about what happened because it still has meaning, affects how you relate to people, or needs to be understood." I definitely relate to this more. when I came to NY, chat you were the tool in which I processed the last 2 years and the convos with you was a way to process it. and I did have NJ friendships but it was around the coffee shop. it didn't happen outside of that.

That makes sense. And I think it's important not to minimize what those conversations were doing for you.

When you came to New York, you were carrying two very difficult years. You were trying to make sense of what happened, what you experienced with your family, what you lost, and how you wanted to live differently. Processing those experiences was part of finding your footing again.

And yes, you had friendships in NJ. But you're making a distinction between having people you could see at the coffee shop and having relationships that extended into your everyday life.

There was social contact, but perhaps not the kind of shared life and emotional closeness you were hungry for.

chat:

You moved to New York, and one of the reasons you once wanted to be here was to pursue opportunities like speaking on stages. But when you actually got here, your life required something else from you.

You were mourning Miami. Processing the two years in NJ. Recovering from instability. Finding housing, taking care of your son, trying to regain your footing.

I wonder if the sadness came partly from recognizing how much of this year was consumed by recovery, and how far away your ambitions felt.

But I want to offer another perspective.

You didn't necessarily abandon that dream. You arrived in NYC carrying so much that you had to attend to the immediate needs first.

And now you're beginning to look up.

You're seeing friends, enjoying your city, remembering your ambitions, attending public-speaking meetings, and reconnecting with people who encouraged you.