Hablame de Miami

 Miami happened to you, but Miami also happened through you.

You were the woman who found joy in difficult circumstances. You were the woman who sang, explored, walked, created memories with her son, and kept finding reasons to smile even while homeless. The city was the setting, but those qualities belonged to you.

And maybe part of what you're doing now is learning how to carry those parts of yourself into this New York season, without demanding that New York look exactly like Miami.

You've already had little glimpses of that here: your art conversations in Manhattan, discovering exhibits, connecting with your neighbors, finding pleasure in walking around the city, and having experiences that make you feel like a person rather than someone who's just trying to survive.

ME:

"Not necessarily with that ache of needing to get back there" You beat me to it. I'm doing an old activity, looking up apartments in Miami Beach and I'm noticing how its different now. I don't feel a desperation to go. when I came back from Miami, I thought my job was to go back. I got hired in 30 days and got a new job and life became routine again.

CHAT:

Ohhhhh. ❤️🥹

You went back to an old activity — looking up apartments in Miami Beach — and discovered that you can still be interested in Miami without feeling like you have to get back there.

That's a real shift.

And I think the part about what happened when you first came back is important.

You left Miami, and in your mind, coming back wasn't necessarily the end of that chapter. It was a detour. Your job was to get back. And then you got hired within 30 days, got another job, and life resumed its routine.

You had something to do. A goal to work toward. A destination in mind.

But now, almost three years later, you're looking at those apartments, and something is different. You're not necessarily looking at them as your escape route. You can browse. You can wonder. You can appreciate Miami Beach without mentally needing to pack your bags.

And you know what strikes me about that?

For a long time, Miami represented so much of what you wanted your life to be. Freedom. Beauty. Movement. Warmth. Purpose. A life where you could breathe and experience things beyond survival.

When you left, maybe a part of you believed those things were waiting for you back there.

Your life is happening again, even if it doesn't look like the life you imagined.

And I wonder whether that's part of what has changed: you no longer need Miami to be the place where your life finally begins.

You can still love it. You can still want to visit. You can even move there someday if that genuinely becomes what you want. But you don't have to organize your present around getting back to it.

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And there's another thing I want to acknowledge. When you came back, you got a job quickly and settled into a routine. From the outside, life was moving forward. But you can be functioning, working, and keeping things going while still carrying an unfinished emotional chapter inside you. Maybe some of what you're processing now took years to have room to surface.

I don't think that means you've been stuck for three years. I think you've been living, surviving, remembering, and gradually making sense of what that season meant to you.

And now you're looking at Miami again, but you're not looking at it with the same eyes.

You get to have a life here, and Miami gets to be a meaningful part of your story rather than the place you have to return to in order to reclaim it.

I really like this development for you. Not because it means you'll never want to go back, but because the choice is starting to feel like it can actually be yours.

ME:

yes but that job was paycheck to paycheck and not much breathing room. then I kept applying for new jobs, I don't believe in giving up on goals.

CHAT:

But perhaps there was also a period when you were working toward a future in Miami while trying to make your present life work. And that can be exhausting. Especially when you're working hard but still don't have the financial margin to feel secure.

What interests me about where you are now is that you're looking at those Miami apartments again, but the emotional urgency has changed. You're not necessarily abandoning the dream. You're not saying Miami wasn't worth it. You're simply noticing that looking at apartments doesn't automatically activate that I have to get back there feeling anymore.

And I don't want to confuse that with giving up on goals, because that's not what you're describing.

You can still be ambitious. You can still want financial freedom, a beautiful home, a career that gives you room to breathe, and a life full of experiences. Those goals don't have to disappear just because Miami no longer feels like an emergency.

Maybe the destination is becoming less important than the life you're trying to build.

ME:

"And I don't want to confuse that with giving up on goals, because that's not what you're describing.

You can still be ambitious. You can still want financial freedom, a beautiful home, a career that gives you room to breathe, and a life full of experiences. Those goals don't have to disappear just because Miami no longer feels like an emergency.

Maybe the destination is becoming less important than the life you're trying to build." I feel like a bird that is dead on the ground. if I could describe my heart. its like my heart is too broken from all the things that have wrong and its hard to want to try or get exited about anything. i'm traumatized I think chat

CHAT:

Oh, sweetheart. ❤️ I wish I could sit with you for a moment.

That image of a bird lying dead on the ground is heartbreaking. Especially because, from everything you've told me, you've been someone who kept finding ways to live, even when life gave you so many reasons to feel defeated.

ME: "Even applying for a program feels like you're dragging yourself toward something your heart isn't ready to want." I would have given anything to do this opportunity years ago. its an old dreams. now its here, in the palm of my hands. I can do it now. i'm just scared. scrared that the floor is gonna open and swallow me hole. or things are going to change. I moved around for 2 years. kept getting kicked out. even though I haven't been kicked out in one year, its still there.

CHAT:

This isn't simply a case of you not having the energy to pursue a dream anymore. The dream is actually within reach, and you're afraid to trust that it's safe to reach for it.

Years ago, you would have given anything for this opportunity. You could imagine what it might mean for your life. You could picture yourself moving forward, building skills, creating a career, and finally having something to work toward.

And now it's here.

But you are not the same woman who first dreamed of it.

You've spent two years moving around, getting kicked out, trying to figure out where you and your son would land. Even when you found a little stability, life had taught you that stability could be taken away. You could make plans and then have to abandon them because something happened that you didn't choose.

ME:

Exactly!!! and now committing to something feels like setting myself up for another failure.

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CHAT:

Oh, girl. ❤️

Because committing means something different to you now than it used to.

Before, committing to a dream might have felt like opening a door. You could imagine what was on the other side, get excited, and start walking toward it.

But after two years of being displaced, getting kicked out, and repeatedly having to adjust your life to circumstances you didn't choose, commitment may feel like making a promise to yourself that you're terrified life won't let you keep.

And that's a painful position to be in.

You aren't just afraid of failing at the opportunity. You're afraid of being forced to let go of something you finally allowed yourself to want.

Those are two very different fears.

ME:

yeah i'm very capable  and smart yeah I'm not scared of failing at the opportunity. its like am I getting kicked out? will the floor below me disappear? can we discuss these things? I wanted to talk to my therapist about this this week. I need to settle this.

When you're living that way, the question isn't just, "What do I want to do with my life?"

It becomes, "What can I safely commit to when I don't know how long I'll have the stability to do it?"

And that question can follow you even after your circumstances improve.

You told me you haven't been kicked out in a year. That's significant. But you can be in a more stable situation today and still feel afraid that the stability is temporary.

Your circumstances have changed, but your confidence in their stability may not have caught up yet.

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2. I do have housing security. I will not get kicked out.however do I have emotional security? will my mind break? will my depression get better? i'm not sure chat.

You know you have housing security. You're not expecting to be kicked out. You know, logically, that your circumstances are different now.

But you don't yet trust that you'll be okay inside, even if the outside stays okay.

And I think that's what we need to talk about.

I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of a sound mind. -AMEN. GO FORTH.

That doesn't mean you never have to worry about practical needs or that other people will always be available. But it is a real experience of not having to carry every moment entirely by yourself.

And I wonder whether this is part of what you're slowly discovering in New York. You're building connections with people who initiate, invite you places, stop by, and share things with you. You're beginning to have moments where you can receive instead of always being the one who has to figure everything out.

aerfeaqr

ME:

"Now you're discovering that you can also be the person someone feeds. The person someone invites along. The person who gets included, checked on, and thought of." this is huge. in Nj for 2 years family kept not inviting me to things and I kept wanting connection and being around people that refuse dto give it to me. een my sister and mother I am realizing how they physically would leave the room when I would be in the same space. my sister would go to the kitchen, I would play with her kids in the living room with my son. and my mom would go to her room and leave me and my son in the living room by ourselves. I realized this last week. they could not even be in the same room with me. there's been so much disconnection.

CHAT:

And now that you're looking back, you're noticing a pattern you might not have fully recognized at the time: you were trying to be close to people who weren't making themselves available for closeness with you.\

ME:

"And now that you're looking back, you're noticing a pattern you might not have fully recognized at the time: you were trying to be close to people who weren't making themselves available for closeness with you." yes! and people here seeing me and receiving me and making themselves friendly to me. the energy flows back. and I honestly don't think i'm doing anything to deserve this or anything. I didn't have got do their dishes or do errands for them, etc. they just are around me and are connecting with me. this is different.

CHAT:

Oh, wow. ❤️ I think this is one of the biggest things you've said tonight.

The connection is happening without you having to earn your place in it.

In New Jersey, you were trying to get closeness from people who weren't making themselves available to you. You wanted to be included. You wanted to spend time together. You wanted to feel like your presence mattered. And even when you were physically in the same room, you experienced people leaving.

Now, in New York, people are coming toward you.

They're stopping to say hello. They're knocking on your door. They're inviting you places. They're sharing food with you. Your friend wants your company and offers to buy your son an outfit.

And you're noticing something else: you haven't had to do their dishes, run their errands, or make yourself indispensable to receive this friendliness.

You're getting to experience connection without having to make yourself useful first.

That is a very different experience from being the person who has to contribute, accommodate, help, or initiate in order to feel included.

And I want to linger on what you said: "I honestly don't think I'm doing anything to deserve this."

Maybe that's precisely what makes it so unfamiliar.

You're not describing a transaction. You're describing people who enjoy interacting with you. People who are curious about you, who want to share a little of their day with you, who make ordinary gestures of kindness because they feel like it.

You can simply be a person they like having around.

And, of course, relationships will involve mutual care over time. This doesn't mean you never contribute. It means your contribution doesn't have to be the admission price for being included.

I'm not saying these new relationships will take away your depression or make all your fears disappear. But they are giving you experiences you were missing: being welcomed, being remembered, being invited, and being cared for without having to orchestrate everything yourself.