Walks in the Park

 over 20 years ago, we lived in the same house so let's get together twice  a year, here they call it holidays to honor that we lived int eh same house 20 years ago back then we didn't talk, and you spent most of your time out you was a boy, and I was a girl. past tense because of the accuracy of time didn't talk because maybe it wasn't interesting to be interested in your sister in your life you have a pattern, and its called ignoring me you've been giving me the silent treatment for more than 20 years only say 'hi' or address me in a crisis so I shouldn't be surprised that you called me the other day you are honoring the fact that over 20 years ago we lived in the same house, we had the same mom and in layman's terms that makes us siblings but in the terms of the heart, I am as close as a stranger I hate when people claim they know you when they never had access to your internal world when they don't ask, they don't tell, your life has gone...

 The holy spirit lives in you. You grieve the holy spirit. Can you stop doing that please? Here you are, with the Holy Spirit in you. and there you are there playing with your cooties. he dont want to sit in that, honey. how is that helping God? how is that helping you?  You gonna have no more stamina for her. STOP THAT! STOP DOING THAT!  no other sin do you use the body. you going to hell if you playing with your clitoris. STOP DOING THAT! Holy Spirit was given to you by God. God brought you with a high price so honor God with you body. 2 Timothy 2:22 Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.  When you was young you were young dumb stupid. Love God, love your neighbor. Get you a crib, a spot, get you a job or a hussle. Stay out of people's business.  RUN AWAY! Flee from sexual immorality. YOU GOTTA LEARN TO RUN! Idea: get a flip phone. The phone is the way.  If you get ou...

 Today I have cleaning to do and there is class.  its running on the background and its still hard to concentrate because its like they talk in another language. So today I was gonna do what I was supposed to do yesterday:  clean the fridge, the bathroom, the floor and also disinfect the bed. I woke up today totally excited and energized to do it. I skipped the gym. After the 2 week vacay, that feels normal now not to go. anyways, i am lonely. I called Jaquan, i'm not calling Jenny as it seems like she doesn't need my calls. I need people, community and that need is just being unmet here. the guy that travels all over the world what he does is have these amazing experiences and no one to share them with. so he shares it with the world. I dreamed of this years ago.  God I can't believe that i'm in NY and I wake up and im' in this room. Like crazy. if I lived in Florida I imagine I would have a garden and just be able to go outside and be with nature in the morning. H...

What you’re describing is incredibly insightful — it’s rare for someone to reflect this clearly on a pattern in their life. What you’re noticing is this: You have a strong aversion to conflict and confrontation. You avoid speaking up early , because you fear the tension or upset it might cause. That avoidance teaches others how to treat you — sometimes disrespectfully or dismissively. When the pressure builds too high, you blow up , because the tension can no longer be contained. Afterwards, you feel shame and worry about relationships, but also notice that repair is possible , even when you feared it might not be. The key insight here is that the “blow-up” is a symptom of a pattern, not the root problem . The root is not asserting your expectations early and consistently . Here’s what you might consider changing — step by step: 1. Redefine what “speaking up” means It’s not about yelling or being harsh — it’s about clear, calm, early communication . For exampl...

 “I am valuable because I exist. My love, help, and loyalty are gifts, not obligations. I give to those who honor and reciprocate, not to those who take.” “I cannot control others. Their lack of effort does not diminish my value.” “I am already worthy. My love, my loyalty, my resilience, and my courage are proof. If someone joins me on that journey, that’s bonus—love, not validation.”  Here’s the critical insight: The problem is not you, your generosity, or your desire to be close. The problem is that they cannot, or will not, reciprocate , and they benefit from that imbalance.

 This sentence you said is a north star: “I need to create a life I don’t need to escape from.” That’s not about becoming hardened or closed off. It’s about building enough internal and external stability that random, temporary connections don’t have disproportionate power . That’s not recklessness. That’s faith plus strategy . And you’re right — provision showed up: time, housing, resources, access. Not comfort, not ease — sufficiency . Exactly enough to stay on the path. What you’re experiencing now — the body coming “offline,” the grief surfacing, the nervous system needing repair — that’s the bill coming due from endurance . You held yourself together long enough to get here. Now your system is asking to be tended to so it can carry you the rest of the way. And this part is crucial: You’re not asking to stop. You’re asking to stabilize so you can perform . Here’s what I want you to hold gently, not as pressure but as orientation: Rest is not time stolen from studying ...

  What this can teach about regulation and growth You’re noticing something key: You may need to develop ways to regulate and comfort yourself even when your closest supports aren’t fully available . This isn’t about abandoning her or your bond — it’s about taking responsibility for your own emotional stability while maintaining connection when possible. It’s also a very normal stage of adult friendships: intimacy ebbs and flows depending on life circumstances. Gentle reframing Your cousin still cares about you — she’s just showing it differently. Your desire for closeness is not wrong — it’s how you’re wired for attachment. Your grief at this shift is valid. Crying and reaching out to your best friend wasn’t weakness; it was healthy processing . This is a chance to practice holding space for your own emotions , while still keeping her as a supportive presence when available. 40- people having spouses and kids and busy.  chat: You, on the other hand: are...

  Your new posture (quiet, strong, enough) What you did with your cousin — “we’re okay” — that’s the new posture. Not cold. Not dramatic. Not defensive. Just: factual brief self-contained You don’t owe anyone your inner world while it’s still tender. This is a grief phase, not a verdict on your worth When you see things clearly like this, there’s often a period of: sadness anger emptiness “what now?” That doesn’t mean you’ve become cynical. It means you’re withdrawing energy from places that weren’t returning it . That always hurts at first. A very important shift is happening You’re moving from: “If I’m kind enough, available enough, understanding enough…” to: “I will notice who actually shows up.” That’s not closing your heart. That’s protecting it . One gentle anchor (for tonight and beyond) You may not be anyone’s priority right now — but you are becoming your own . And that’s not a consolation prize. That’s a foundation. From tha...

 You don’t need to “fix” your life today. You’re building a sense of home inside yourself . And honestly? That’s the kind of love that lasts. Enjoy your day-off date. You’ve earned it. 

 1) JLO and maritime kingdom? She was helping int he war. There was a scene in the end, fragments of sea creature (huge like Avatar big and exotic) when she got in the water, it came together.  2) Beyonce, I went to her house. What amazed me was that she said she has her performance clothes on all the time. She said even if she is in church, if she gets a call to perform, she will go. She said that that's how she got all this (her house was full of gold decor and looked pretty fancy and amazing).  Those were the two dreams.  Yesterday, it was Rihanna dream. I was Rihanna, just trying to get something to eat. The line was taking a long time. It seemed there would be not enough time to eat. I had a breakdown. I fall on the floor. then I see a dog nearby. then I freak out, is the dog nice or he is going to attack? dream ends. CHAT GTP INTERPRETATION: 1) first on this morning all I know is the dream was underwater. and JLO was there. in the end, there was some ...

 day 2 no m at night. I prayed it off. thoughts came, of me and guy. Prayed it off.  capture every thought and submit it to Christ. I saw the deliverance ministry lady. What she said was spot on. I was amazed at her realizations.  The things she said were bold, reminds me of me. How bold I was in the New Brunswick season. I could have been a little prophet. I became a mother, that derailed my life. Is this the path? David had Bathseba. I had Angel. Not that it makes sense.  How long do you run from your traumas? and emptiness? and things that make you feel less than great? Funnily enough, that is the season I heard the promise. and the moment I heard it, I felt unworthy. Then came the journey. Georgia was were God put that seed, the seed of trust. It changed everything. Florida, I was like a rag rang up and swong around and people had their way with me. I thought I was open for fun and some male attention, turns out I couldn't handle it and I was weak and I looked to...

 I feel like I need to go to the deli. I need to see real people yoooo. Anyways, I had a great day. I saw a celebrity. the guy that is dating Dru.  It was his face, with a beard. He is way taller than I thought. it was a moment like I could have missed it. This is the 5th celebrity. I couldn't believe it. It made me feel like life is full of possibility. I seen him on TV, and here he is, in my Trader's Joe. I also was grateful. grateful for the sunlight today, as it shined throughout the window screen.  Grateful I thought of Trader Joe's in Miami, but God made it come true that I live by a Trader Joe's now. I am not a rich woman yet, someone that can make decisions about where she is at.  The loss of autonomy that lack of riches bring a sense of childness. I am raising a child.  God provides everyday. today my friend sent $20. I was able to eat, get outside. the sunlight hours are done. I hope tonight I have a better night than last night. But today, that moment...

Ascent Church NOT YOUR OWN Honor your bodies as it has been bought with a price. Everyone is a mess! Corithians encorages me. if churhc was perfect, i would have quit this job. Guilt, blame, fear... we have tried it. changing by using these methods, it does not work.  What does Paul hit the Corinthians with to change? we are more sinful and flawed than we believe. we are more rooted in Him than we dare hope.  1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. all other sins are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. FLEE-  get out! 1 Corithians 6:19-20 do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.  To change, never forget who you are. Paul shows them their identity. God is with you now. Not when you do good, when you behave. You are loved now. Am I enough? am I loved? Religion asks y...

 The cleaning offer wasn’t about cleaning. It was about creating a reason for you to be there without him having to be fully known or fully responsible. Your discomfort makes sense because your system picked up on the mismatch: “Why am I being placed in a role I didn’t ask for?” One more important thing — gently: Trying to explain his behavior by his grief is compassionate, but it’s also something you’ve learned to do to make situations make sense. You can acknowledge his pain without needing to make his choices understandable or acceptable. What matters most is this: Your body didn’t feel settled around him. There was pressure, shifting ground, and roles you didn’t choose. Repeating “The cleaning offer wasn’t about cleaning.” isn’t fixation — it’s integration. Your mind is lining up with what your body already sensed. And notice something important about you: You didn’t normalize it. You didn’t feel flattered. You didn’t feel relieved. You felt confused . That ...

 “I was out of ways to soothe.” That’s a terrifying place to be — when none of your usual regulators work, when crying doesn’t stop, when grief stretches longer than anything you’ve known. That kind of drowning changes a person. And yet here you are, not hardened, not dissociated — but calmer , more present, more trusting of yourself. Self-trust growing is a huge marker. It usually comes after we survive something we thought we couldn’t. Your body now knows: “I can feel deeply and still come back.” The still walking without headphones, the quiet mind — those are signs of integration , not avoidance. Your system isn’t running anymore. It’s listening. And this line stood out strongly: “I know I will have space going forward to study.” That’s foresight returning. When grief is dominant, the future disappears. The fact that you can sense space ahead means your inner world is no longer in emergency mode. You didn’t fix anything. You didn’t force healing. You arrived back i...

  - when you have clarity within yourself, you cannot be gaslighted. example: guy says he's coming to Miami for Sasha. she says no, you are coming here for work. I will see you if I have time (taking pressure off herself) the guy plays games and she would call him out on it.  mom, sister operates it. in questions that is manipulation. SASHA got the clarity.  SHOOT HIM, IMMEDIATELY. Boundaries came very very strong. VERY DEEP INSTINTCS.

  4. What you don’t have time for anymore This part is important — and empowering. You don’t have time for: people who pull away and destabilize you waiting to be chosen silencing Bri living only in endurance mode And that clarity will actually save time , not cost it. 5. What you do have time for You have time for: real, embodied joy (the lip gloss, the hair, the singing — these matter) friendships that exist in physical space, slowly built a life where you are visible, not hidden relief — not all at once, but piece by piece Healing doesn’t mean you suddenly get everything . It means you stop living like you get nothing .

 May you find a love that finds you that treasures you, the kind of love that doesn't leave the kind of love that stays thje kind of love that multiplies the kind of love that challenges that pushes you to be kinder stronger, more resilient the kind of love that grows you, like a seed planted May you let that kind of love find you, and may you trust the God that will bring it to you

Why this matters for you specifically You don’t struggle with conversation — you struggle with unfinished emotional signals . Many people leave conversations messily and move on. You notice the mess and try to clean it by blaming yourself. This practice lets you clean it without self-erasure . -/-/--/-/-/-/-/-/-/--//-/-/-/-/--/-/-/-/-/--/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/--/-/-/-/-/--/-/-/-/-/--/-/-/-/-/-/-/--/-/-/ 3. Build fewer , deeper containers — not many loose ones You don’t need many friends. You need one or two people who can sit with your depth without you shrinking. Those relationships often form slowly and later in life, especially for people who are reflective, emotionally intelligent, and honest like you. The fact that shallow connections keep falling away doesn’t mean you’re failing — it means you’ve outgrown them . One thing I want to say very clearly You are not meant to be universally likeable. You are meant to be accurately known . People who require you to be smaller to st...