Tu sabes

 Why you left me

Abandoned me

I know things were fucked up

still I loved you and I would have done anything for you

you would diss my religion

you came to my show, no one had ever come to my show.

it felt good to be picked, to be validated, to feel like someone was on my side.

and I've been alone all these years. stuck, not moving on. 

you created a family and a career for yourself

for me, it was hardship after hardship.  I did my best with each one.

Even when it was good, the noise, the negative things 

people said about me, rang in my head.

i just wanted to be with you. i finally felt safe. i opened up to you. 

told you about my childhood. showed you my art. introduced you to my friends.

invited you to church. i gave myself to you. 

it must not have meant anything to you, but to me, it meant everything.

and all these years. all these years have passed. i have raised my son.

havent become a millionare yet. i know youre closer as your in real estate now. 

life, and how it ends. i was so in love with you. so in love with you. it scared me 

to ever be this much in love with anyone else. 

the way our connection was, the way you could curse and make me laugh.

the way we had fun doing nothing, even if it was walking together side by side.

how you would talk and i could listen to you for hours. 

how smart you are. how smart i am. we could keep up with each other.

how crazy you are in you know what. wild, adventorous. i let go with you.

I never let go like that, I'm already trying to be in control and not release too much.

I never would have imagined you would diss me like that, like this. all these years.

empty promises, i wish we had never kissed. i am so scared of loving so fully again.

my heart breaks, again and again.

i know the time we were together, it makes no sense so much emotion.

but it is what it is. no one i have ever met has made me feel the way you have.

our connection was golden. you were younger. i was broke. you were finding your way, so was I.

You showed up for me. You treated me how i like. asked for a date, showed up to my birthday.

you just showed up, in person, for real. did what you said. such simple things.

but why it never happened before? i was too sheltered. maybe not enough experiences.

maybe spent too much time working. working and working and working and then studying.

i always wanted a better life. i didn't know meeting you would send my life into ruin.

falling for you, letting you in, having your kid, you stopped answering.

my heart breaks. i am afraid to love. love this deeply. 

how you hurt me so. etched the wound even deeper. 

you knew me and still walked away. I wasn't enough, once again.

I get it you said you didn't know what to do with me. You had my back

in all the ways that mattered. you had my back. i had no doubt of that.

i never had that before. 

and I've been carrying this weight ever since. I felt so much

my crayon had this much colorto give

enough to cover a whole page, years of unrequited pain

years of going back into my shell.years that I put away,

inside my heart, away from my mind. I stopped being conscious of it.

everyday I wake up and this kid is smiling in my face

and he's so excited for life and this is what kept me goign

I had to keep taking each day by day because of him, because he

deserved better than the nothing you offered him.

he deserved me. he didn't ask to be here. 

and I took that responsability

and you did not keep your promises

I never made it where you couldn't come back