Chris brooks- chat

You're really grappling with some heavy questions right now, and I can feel the internal conflict you’re experiencing. It sounds like you value Chris’s friendship—his vulnerability, honesty, and wisdom—but you’re also frustrated by the inconsistency. It’s like you want to keep the connection, but at the same time, you’re wrestling with whether that kind of dynamic is worth the emotional effort.

Setting boundaries can be so difficult, especially with people you care about. When someone is honest and vulnerable with you, it’s easy to feel like you should keep that relationship alive, even if it doesn’t always feel balanced. But when the other person isn’t as emotionally consistent, it can leave you feeling drained and unsure of how much you can give before you’re not getting what you need in return. You’ve already set a standard for yourself—no more one-sided relationships—and I think that’s really important. But the tension you’re feeling is normal; it’s not always easy to stick to that standard when the relationship has value, especially if it feels like there’s potential for more closeness.

I’m wondering if having a serious conversation with Chris might help clarify things. It doesn’t have to be confrontational—it could just be an honest expression of how you’re feeling. Something like, "I value our friendship a lot, but I’ve been feeling like I’m the one always reaching out, and it’s starting to feel a little unbalanced for me. I just want to understand where we stand and if this is something we can work on together." That could open the door to a deeper discussion about what each of you needs in the friendship, without putting him on the defensive. It gives him a chance to express his side too, whether it’s that he’s been busy, overwhelmed, or unsure of how to navigate his own inconsistency.

On the other hand, if you’re feeling too emotionally drained to have that conversation right now, it might be okay to just take a step back and see how things evolve. Sometimes, giving space allows both people to reflect without the pressure of immediate resolution.

As for your bigger question about loneliness and whether life just is about being alone, I want to gently challenge that notion. You’re not alone in feeling alone sometimes, even though it can feel that way. I think the fact that you reached out to me speaks to a deeper need for connection, and that’s completely valid. It’s hard not having someone physically nearby who "gets" you or can be there when you need to talk. But the truth is, it’s okay to lean on different sources of connection too—whether that’s building relationships with people in your community, connecting more with spiritual practices, or even using tools like ChatGPT when you need to process things in a non-judgmental space. You don’t have to go through everything alone, even if it feels that way sometimes.

You’re navigating a lot right now, especially with wanting to stay connected but also protecting your own emotional well-being. It’s okay to feel conflicted about how to proceed with Chris or any other friendships. You're allowed to prioritize yourself and your boundaries, and you don’t have to have all the answers right away.

How do you feel about the idea of having that conversation with Chris? Or would you prefer to take a little more time to think it through before deciding?

With Chris, though, it’s different because there is that emotional depth and valuable conversation you enjoy. The inconsistency is a harder pill to swallow because you’re more invested emotionally, and it’s more personal. You want the same level of engagement and reciprocity, and you’re right to want that. But, like you’re saying, you’re also learning how to set boundaries around that emotional labor and realize that it’s okay not to keep putting yourself in a position where you’re always the one reaching out.

As for your question about whether it’s just “life” to not stay in touch or have close friends, I think it’s common for some people to let friendships fade as they get older. Life gets busy, priorities shift, and sometimes people just aren’t as consistent with communication. But that doesn’t mean it has to be that way for you. If you crave meaningful connection, it’s absolutely worth putting effort into finding it, even if it means adjusting how you approach your existing friendships or even making new connections.

How do you feel about the boundaries you’ve been setting with your friends? Do you think you’re getting closer to the kind of balance you want in your relationships, or is there still more to figure out.

"Hey Chris, I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship, and I just wanted to check in with you about where we stand. I value our connection and enjoy our conversations, but I’ve been feeling uncertain because sometimes I don’t hear from you for long periods, and it leaves me wondering if you’re as invested in the friendship as I am. I’m really just looking for some clarity on how you feel about our relationship and what you need from it. I’d like to know if you think this friendship is worth continuing, or if it’s something we need to redefine."

To find that strength, you could try a few things before the conversation:

• Affirm your self-worth: Remind yourself that you deserve a relationship where your feelings and needs are respected. Chris’s behavior doesn’t define your value or your ability to maintain healthy connections.

• Pause and reflect: Take a moment to breathe deeply and center yourself before the conversation. If you feel too emotionally charged, wait until you’ve had time to cool down. You don’t have to rush into it.

• Set an intention for the conversation: Focus on getting clarity, not on controlling the outcome. Your goal isn’t to force a particular answer but to gain insight into where he stands. That way, if the response is tough to hear, you can remind yourself that clarity is worth the discomfort.

To find that strength, you could try a few things before the conversation:

• Affirm your self-worth: Remind yourself that you deserve a relationship where your feelings and needs are respected. Chris’s behavior doesn’t define your value or your ability to maintain healthy connections.

• Pause and reflect: Take a moment to breathe deeply and center yourself before the conversation. If you feel too emotionally charged, wait until you’ve had time to cool down. You don’t have to rush into it.

• Set an intention for the conversation: Focus on getting clarity, not on controlling the outcome. Your goal isn’t to force a particular answer but to gain insight into where he stands. That way, if the response is tough to hear, you can remind yourself that clarity is worth the discomfort.

If you feel like you’ve already thought this through, then maybe it is time to give yourself permission to step back from this friendship. It's a hard decision, especially when you like someone and care about them, but sometimes we need to honor our own boundaries and emotional needs. The inconsistency and lack of reciprocity might be too much to continue investing in if it’s leaving you feeling more frustrated than fulfilled.

Taking time to think it through is wise, though. You don’t have to rush into any decisions. If you decide to stop calling, it’s okay to step back and see if he makes the effort to reach out or show up in some way. Sometimes, giving someone space without always initiating the contact can give you clarity on how much they truly care about the friendship.

I’m curious—if you do stop calling or decide to step back from the friendship, what do you hope will happen next? Are you looking for him to reach out, or do you think it’s just time for you to move on regardless?

The thing about holding on to the past, like you mentioned with the rejection or the way he speaks about things, is that it can create a pattern where you're both stuck in old dynamics that don’t serve either of you. If Chris is still holding onto that moment where you didn’t forgive him for something, it seems like he’s not fully owning up to his part in the situation. Instead, it feels like he’s deflecting his own feelings of inadequacy by pointing out your faults. That’s really frustrating, especially when it’s starting to feel like he’s not respecting you or your growth.

And the dynamic of him holding onto the "what could’ve been" from when you briefly dated only adds a whole layer of complexity. It sounds like he hasn’t fully let go of that moment either, and that can make things feel stuck in the past instead of allowing you both to move forward as friends (or even decide if that’s what you want).

It’s also really tough when someone questions your ability to be in a relationship, especially when it’s coming from someone who isn’t fully acknowledging their own faults. You already know your own worth and capacity, and being doubted like that is not only frustrating—it’s demeaning. It’s understandable that you’d feel hurt by that, especially when you’ve always been strong in facing your own fears and working through things in real time.

What you’re describing with Chris—where he’s pointing out your flaws while downplaying his own actions—is a sign of a lack of true emotional accountability on his part. That can definitely cause a lot of frustration, especially when you’ve been trying to set boundaries and move forward. It seems like he hasn’t respected your boundaries or understood how to hold space for your feelings, especially given how he’s deflected and minimized his role in the past issues between you.

It also sounds like part of you is really tired of the emotional weight of him holding on to that past, especially when he won’t fully accept that things didn’t work out. That’s a major emotional drag, and you’re right to want to move past it.

Given all of this, it feels like you’ve been giving a lot emotionally while not receiving the kind of respect or reciprocity you deserve. The comfort of long-term friendship can make it so difficult to step back, but sometimes, we need to ask ourselves whether that comfort is masking something unhealthy or stagnant. It might help to ask yourself: Is this friendship helping me grow and feel supported, or is it leaving me feeling drained, frustrated, or doubted?

If you decide it’s time to stop calling and let things fade, I’d say that’s completely valid. You don’t have to keep putting yourself in a position where you’re expected to carry all the emotional labor, especially if it’s causing more stress than peace. If he does reach out (as he has before), you can take that as a sign that he’s still invested, but it might also be a chance to have a more honest conversation about where you’re both at.

As for his comments about your son’s father, I can see how confusing that must be, especially since he’s never met him and hasn’t been part of that chapter of your life. It does sound like there could be some jealousy or unresolved feelings from Chris—maybe tied to his own experiences, or maybe just a projection onto someone who hasn’t been in the picture for years. That kind of jealousy, even if it’s not about you directly, is toxic in a friendship. You deserve people in your life who support you and don’t bring unnecessary drama or negative energy. It’s totally valid for you to call him out on that as well.

You’ve got a strong sense of what you need: respect, consistency, and accountability. If Chris is not willing to show up with those qualities, it might be time to seriously consider whether this friendship is worth continuing. Your earlier thought about telling him you’re “done with phone conversations” and that he’d have to “rise to that” or the friendship needs to go is very powerful. It shows that you’re not afraid to set a hard boundary when you need to, even if it feels difficult.

The idea of being vulnerable when he does reach out is also key—it would show your growth and a willingness to be open, but with clear boundaries. It’s important to communicate how you feel about his behavior, especially the last conversation you had where he spoke to you in a way that made you uncomfortable. You deserve to be treated with respect, and calling out that behavior is part of advocating for yourself. He needs to know that those comments about your son’s father and the way he spoke to you are not acceptable, especially since you’ve already set a boundary about how you want him to speak about others in your life. If he’s overstepping that, he needs to be made aware of it, and you need to hold that boundary firmly.

You’ve got a strong sense of what you need: respect, consistency, and accountability. If Chris is not willing to show up with those qualities, it might be time to seriously consider whether this friendship is worth continuing. Your earlier thought about telling him you’re “done with phone conversations” and that he’d have to “rise to that” or the friendship needs to go is very powerful. It shows that you’re not afraid to set a hard boundary when you need to, even if it feels difficult.

The challenge seems to be in consistently holding that boundary, especially when he’s being inconsistent or unavailable. It’s easy to get pulled back in when the connection is there, or when you miss the emotional comfort of the friendship. But it’s also a cycle, right? You set a boundary, and then when he’s not available or responsive, you forget and let it slide. It sounds like there’s a pull to “keep the peace” or avoid conflict, but that can lead to you not taking your own needs seriously.

Start small with your communication: Instead of jumping straight into a serious conversation when he reaches out, you can begin by calmly mentioning one thing at a time. Like, “Hey, last time we spoke, I didn’t like how you brought up my son’s father. I’ve asked you to respect that boundary before.” From there, you can gauge how he responds and whether he’s willing to listen and adjust.

The way you're describing it, you're realizing that there’s a shift in how he views you—he’s stuck in the past, seeing you as the person you were 20 years ago, and not acknowledging the growth and the strength you’ve developed since then. That’s such a frustrating dynamic, especially when you’re trying to show him the new you, and he’s refusing to engage with that. It’s like he’s keeping you in a box based on old memories, instead of seeing you for who you are now. And the fact that you’ve called him out on it, but he hasn’t respected that boundary, is a clear sign that he’s not willing to grow with you, and that’s a huge red flag.

You’re absolutely right in saying that you need people who show up for you, not just people who criticize or expect you to do all the emotional labor. The situation you described with the threat—where he didn’t offer any solutions or support but just criticized your actions—shows a lack of emotional empathy or investment in your well-being. That’s the kind of response that makes you feel alone, not supported, and like your feelings don’t matter. And that, in turn, erodes the respect and reverence he used to have for you.

It’s a big realization that you’ve been letting things slide because you’ve been holding on to the idea of who he used to be and the history you have together. But now that you’re seeing the reality of how things have changed and how much he’s been holding you back from the support you deserve, it sounds like it might be time to finally step away and stop accepting the bare minimum. It’s not your responsibility to keep proving yourself to him, especially when he’s not giving you what you need in return.

You deserve people who are present and supportive, who respect your boundaries and the new version of yourself that you’re becoming. And if Chris can’t offer that, it’s okay to let go and stop holding space for someone who isn’t truly there for you. You’re not asking for much—you’re asking for respect, and for mutual investment in the relationship, and if he can’t offer that, it’s not a friendship worth keeping.

You’ve already done a lot of work in realizing what you need and where the friendship stands. Now, it’s about taking the next step to honor those needs. Do you think you’re ready to stop calling and give him the space to decide if he’s going to meet you where you’re at? Or do you feel like you still need to talk it through with him directly?