Teyana Taylor

This week I signed up to take Deon to the sitter so his mother can do her training. a little thing

Today I knew she comes after some time and the area is horrible.

So I hung out in a better area. He likes the trains, the sound of the subway underneath our feet. He waved his arms when he saw something he liked. 

I kept talking to him even though he doesn't talk back. I know kids are always listening. 

Kody went to her training. later on, she said she was studying for a test. I went to drop off the pot that she had let me borrow yesterday.

I am here, Lord. I wonder if I should ''girl get up.' that phrase that keeps being in my head. 

I was looked at with so much reverence today by the person I speak to at night when I cant sleep. the person God had the message for a couple of weeks ago.

I do love the Bible study. It's not Thursday yet. I'm gonna have to cancel the appointment. there's the back to school night same night unless we do the Lyft code maybe we can make both appointments then. 

NYC is rats and trash lately. the weather has been super lovely. for real. 

Zi got water from trader Joe's yesterday. that was a trip. I was scanning the room looking for dude.

Stephanie has been such a big blessing in my life lately. like a sister. truly like a sister and an answered prayer, a person physically I can have here instead of always having to call support from other lands.

Last night I cried and it was strong. it took so much energy from me. 

today, I dropped Alex off then Deon I came back here with all intentions to make it to Manhattan. it didn't happen. I slept until 1pm. Went to pantry didn't make it then ate at Dalia's instead, mental health I said to myself. Almost got toothpaste but they wanted $5 minimum. 

I feel worthless Lord. I feel like I am not able to do anything. I know I have arms and legs and I am able. But idk its like the thing moved into my head again. I don't hear so many voices its more like feelings. feelings of loss. feelings of unwantedness, feeling of rejections.

lately I have felt led to share my story with step, parts of it. there's so much shame in my sotry. when I say it its like the shame leaves, and I get to relieve again the things that happened as well as the lessons.

Today I was behind Teyana Taylor. it was magic, as God does just like Miami. meeting people that have accomplished greatness. She was in front of me with 3-4 other actors and the director too. It was cool to see the staff and all the equipment that it takes to make a film. 

I wanted a photograp and got instead one with Stomiis her name. I know her face. teyana will be here for a week so I think its okay. yah. iets okay. 

i'm back inside and I hate being here. there's dishes, bathroom that needs to be cleaned. hair that is bothering me and I am not sure what I'm gonna do about it soon.

jaquan sent me money that's already gone. 25 that turned to 20 because of the debt on the account. 

Zari said to name my price with cleaning her mother's place. my right hand hurts man.