me

 just watched why did I get married and now i'm crying


was it sadness that I'm not married?


or seeing the wealth and the truth and the togetherness a reminder of all that I don't have?


idk. 


spirit said go, I went out and I took my son to all these places. he complained the whole time.


I was having such a great time. I took him to do video game stuff, something he likes. we had a lot

of fun there. 


why do I always feel like we are missing something? why don't I feel enough? 


then I get mad at the family for not making up the difference. like its their fault my life is the way it is.


I did want more support. but Lesley did buy me maternity clothes and she pitched in the past year. my mom did send 100. my brother did help me with one rent payment one time. 


they are not perfect and they treat me like shit or I feel like they treat me like shit.


what did I want? I wanted to be wanted, to be desired, to be included, to be understood, to be asked

questions, to not always feel like I'm being forced to do something. to speak and be heard.


goes in one ear, exits the other. 


but most of all, I want to be whole. I want to wake up, be happy. something inside me is like happiness is in another place. I don't connect to NYC the way I used to. now it feels slike a place that can wreck my nervous system. Miami had the perfect mix. you have solace and you can have business, you can choose. 

I also feel a lot of bad feelings for myself for not having money. I haven't found my groove yet. I feel bad I didn't manage right what we had. like today I bought that $7 gum. why? so Alex can shut up. or be happy for a moment or stop complaining it was getting to be a lot. 


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