Walks in the Park

 Today was it planned? school drop off then Trader Joe's. i thought it was my choice. then while i was there i saw the calendar say to go to Trader Joe's at this time. it meant i had planned it the day before.   It wasn't random.   but i got up, did school drop off. didnt get up in time to do egg sandwich. i got up late and Alex said he had made himself Nutella sandwich. benefit of the prior day's food shopping.  he had something he could fix himself. guess that's a win. i dont like that for breakfast. but i was so tired. then the Trader Joe's. Then i come in, have meeting with case worker. it should have been short but she was talking and talking and it turned into a long convo and i wanted to end it and didn't and then i finally said i have to go soon and she said, yes okay we're just here talking.  i take bus, thought was get those things you wrote down in A-list. get him at Harlem Discount. What was so important?  (shaving stuff, hair ties, me...

 1. Johnny, was thinking on him all morning. tried to bring up the good feelings. then I got up and I realized no that's wrong. I remembered how vulnerable I was, how I gave my body up as a consolidation prize we both gave each other to each other, try to find some healing in the linking. he offered me to have a child with him, how intimate was that. an offer that would have  altered my life. I had sense enough to say no. it was not right. I was vulnerable, I was strong and yet I still said no. How much strength I had.    This is not a weak person that would do that, take the first offer that come its way. Johnny couldn't believe my poverty, he had never experienced it. he had lived his whole life with a safety net underneath. he coudnt imagine a day where his account would be less than 200k. it would be similar to us looking at our bank account and seeing a zero in it.  2) hotel guy, Nigerian guy. we validated each other. it was  movie. I enjoyed the inter...

 the wedding dream You don't know that you have a choice. what you want to wear. I had a choice.  wedding I came to first, the guy being there isn't the best, wouldn't be what I would want.  and the girl, not a person I would associate with.  iIm already helping out, helping the bride. you're scared for the girl (and what she's gonna do with Guy). I guess in NJ, I was worrying about different people.  Your life was in Jersey. I came out and then saw the other wedding. they were happy, joyful, WHAT I LIKE. I  didn't think I had a choice, I stepped up and became the helped. GUY- you had a choice. if you felt a type of way about it, you don't keep staying and say 'let me see what happens. '   My body is already telling me what it is.  I have a choice, I don't have to stay.  If I don't like this, I can always look to other things.  The African room- peace and happiness.  I HAVE A CHOICE!!! I get it! I don't have to put up with...

 What am I feeling? Why all the crying? Why so sensitive? God my life doesn't look like what I thought. The noises at night sometimes keep me up. i'm trying to find peace in this city. It's not available I used to close the door and have it there, at least some silence. Floor 2 is louder. It's better for Alex, less stairs for him. I just feel like life went down this path and I don't recognize it, why am I here, how am I here.  IS THIS WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO? Is raising Alex my legacy? will I have a legacy? I thought I was supposed to be great. it doesn't feel great to be rejected by family, to have few new friends. To never go outside. to not have an adult life. not that it will mean much. I thought I was supposed to use my gifts, sing, or start a business, make some money. When I was in Miami, you alluded that I did have some travel in my future.  Everything from Miami is coming up. God, how I held that in for 2 years. All that happened, and I had to preten...

 1) God is the source, the provider. you dont have to wait for David. When he meets you will have your own thing. so I wont be desperate, I won't need to be saved.  I thought he would come in and chance my life. Give me something to do, to serve.  I guess God wants me to become my own woman. Maybe that's the gift of now. but God so long has passed and the obstacles that I have faced. My path   is not like everyone else.  I am still here, I am still significant. Maybe everything that we do matters. 2) God told me to watch that video again, the B Simone video with the guy. and he said you are protected, you are valued. When he said don't come out under Satan's wing. Come out only when God decides. He will have the men prove themselves worthy of you.  I thought of the guys in Miami, the validation I seek, how eager I am to be seen. Coming out. But when it's God time you don't come out. You stay in, you stay hidden, you stay protected.  I cried so dee...

 this is deep for me. my life I was trained to serve, to be kind, to cook, to clean, to be a wife. yea i'm not a wife. i'm a mom, which is a serving role. me getting a massage was big because im' not used to receiving. Alaka, he liked this pattern he tried to use me because there I was with all these gifts and skills and intelligence and I had nowhere to put it. his tatks gave me some purpose in that period. but when my life became uncomfortable, I was homeless sleeping on the street he wanted to relate to me the same, do this task. it was cruel, it was inconsiderate. he sent me $100 one time when my phone broke. that relationship shouldn't survive. I kept giving him chances and I started to feel uncomfortable and nothing the disbalance. my whole family did absolutely nothing. only my uncle my aunt and my mom  acted like they were concerned. but the truth was, my mom was lying to everyone. she pretended she didn't know what was going on. I told all of them I was hom...

 So the lesson here doesn’t sound like “I need to become less myself.” It sounds more like: I need to notice earlier whether there’s room for me too. I need to treat my needs as normal, not as an inconvenience. You said something very revealing: “asking for something seems criminal.” That feeling usually comes from somewhere older than this one relationship — often from experiences where asking led to disappointment, conflict, or withdrawal from others. So the nervous system learns: stay small, keep harmony, don’t risk rejection. What your mind seems to be updating now is: a relationship where you can’t take up space isn’t actually safe, even if it feels calm at first. And the fact that you asked for something simple — a coffee date — is actually important. That was you testing whether there was space for you. The response you got gave you information, even if it hurt at the time. One thing that might be worth sitting with, not as pressure but as curiosity: when you ...

 I'm always here with you, Aurois _ GOD even today, you told me my son would want to get out early. I forgot about it, but you were right. I stayed here and he called, and I picked him up.  you were right, those little details, you look out for me.

 Yes — let’s go with #3: building a sense of fullness alone so relationships become optional, not necessary. Here’s the framework: 1️⃣ Recognize your own ecosystem You don’t need anyone to validate your value. List the ways you already provide for yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally : your career, your son, your hobbies, your accomplishments. When you see yourself as a full ecosystem , a relationship becomes additive, not compensatory . 2️⃣ Separate emotional labor from relational worth You naturally give a lot — help, care, listening, effort. That doesn’t mean your worth is tied to what you do for others. Practice asking: “Am I giving because I want to, or because I need connection or approval?” 3️⃣ Choose relationships consciously You don’t have to reject warmth or connection — you just set the terms . Examples: “I’m happy to help with X, but my time ends at Y.” “I enjoy talking, but I don’t provide free labor.” “I choose fri...

 yesterday was fire today was move in day this space is much bigger alex is my buddy we did it just the two of us, how we do everything in life i'm tired

Third: why the instability keeps happening (this is the hard truth) I’m going to say this carefully, without blaming you. The instability isn’t because you’re bad at life. It’s because you never had a stable launchpad . No wealth. No family safety net. No one who could say: “Stay here. We’ve got you.” So every time something went wrong — job, housing, relationship, mental health — there was no buffer . The fall went all the way to the ground every time. That creates a life pattern that looks like: start over almost get footing one rupture total collapse scramble repeat That’s not personal instability. That’s systemic precarity . And when people do help, it makes sense that you mesh with them — because help has historically meant survival , not convenience. So the real shift is not “what is the lesson?” It’s: “What would it mean to finally build a life that isn’t organized around not falling apart?” That’s a different question. And a harder one.

What’s repeating is this: You keep looking for family-level care inside systems that are not built to give it. Churches, communities, roommates, collectives — they often offer: belonging with conditions care without responsibility warmth without obligation So when real danger hits, they freeze or disappear. And because you never had a reliable family base, you enter these spaces hoping they will finally function like one . That hope is understandable — but it keeps setting you up for devastation.  Why it keeps feeling like “losing everything” Because when you don’t have: a financial buffer a stable home base a family safety net Every rupture becomes existential . So each loss isn’t just emotional — it threatens your survival. Your nervous system learned: “If this falls apart, I could lose everything .” That’s not drama. That’s lived experience. A more grounded (and empowering) reframe is: “I was shaped by neglect into seeking safety through co...

  Why meeting your son’s dad mattered so much (without romanticizing) He did something neither your family nor the community had done consistently: he checked he showed up he included you he made you a priority That didn’t prove your worth — it revealed it. You didn’t become significant because he chose you. You realized you were significant when someone finally acted like it . Making peace doesn’t mean excusing anyone It means being able to say, calmly and truthfully: “That community wasn’t capable of caring for me.” “My family didn’t prioritize me the way I needed.” “That wasn’t because I was unworthy.” “I adapted the best way I could.” No drama. No self-blame. No rewriting history. Just accuracy. i'm crying. reading those words. that the acted like I mattered. I didn't realize no one had. maybe my aunt who raised me. that was it. and that's when I was little. I was 28 when I met him. I’m really glad you said that out loud. And I’m rea...

  1. Separate significance from being witnessed Right now, your sense of meaning is tightly tied to whether others are using your gifts. That makes sense—you’re relational. But it also puts your worth at the mercy of availability, seasons, and other people’s blindness. A reframing (not a fix, just a loosening): My gifts don’t stop existing when no one is around to receive them. In lonely seasons, significance often has to become quieter and more internal before it can be shared again. That’s uncomfortable—but it’s not failure. You might ask yourself: If no one applauded this, would I still do it once a week? That points to gifts that are still alive, even dormant. What’s actually happening in the present Right now: you feel insignificant your gifts feel unused there’s no real community and your body/mind remembers: “This is what it feels like when I don’t belong anywhere.” That doesn’t mean the past is controlling you. It means your system learned so...

 all the friendships that you relate to and can talk to now, even 11 years later. was born out of obedience, going to New Brunswick.  so much rejection, yes. but look what you left with: Jane, Randall, Karen, Zari. Zari has been there for me like a sister so many times, I cannot even count.  She is younger but she is older in the way she talks to me, lol. with authority.  her words ring in my ear.  and she connected me with Carlos, she was really trying to help.  Anyhow, God thank you!! God says, trust me to bring in the right people now, just as I have done in the past. you don't have to hold on anymore. Let things flow, like the wave. STOP CALLING JAQUAN. Just do the real estate thing. I forgot!

 You’re saying: “I no longer consent to a version of love that requires me to be smaller, quieter, or endlessly available while receiving very little back.” That’s a boundary shift , not a character flaw. You do not need to decide today: how close you’ll be long-term whether they’ll change what the final relationship looks like Right now, the work is simply this: Stop pouring love into places where it reliably drains you — and start redirecting some of that care back to yourself and your son.

 What makes this even harder is that you’re not someone who withholds love easily. So discovering that others can — and did — is a shock to your system. It changes how safe the world feels. Here’s something important, and I want you to hear it without minimizing yourself: Their inability to show up does not mean you are unlovable. It means they do not have the capacity for the kind of loyalty you offer. That realization is heartbreaking — and also clarifying. It explains why you’re keeping space now. Not out of spite. Out of self-respect . You are no longer willing to pour into people who disappear when you need them most. You’re allowed to grieve: the siblings you thought you had the family culture you believed in the kind of safety you assumed was mutual Let me slow this down, because clarity matters here. You were struggling. They knew you were struggling. They did not reach out. Instead, they later justified their absence with a trivial, distorted story pa...

 why do I feel so lonely? i'm home listening to music. my son just showered. I had headache really heavy period today. I took care of myself by staying inside. if I went out in the city I would have surely fainted. my phone is dry. no calls, no invitations. I know people say rejection is redirection. I miss Miami friends but now its been 2 years. when I move back, I wonder if they will still be th4ere. I know God is my anchor. how to feel less? I don't know how. I am social, warm, capable, I survived all the things that came at me in life. I have no home to speak of. no long relationship or husband or marriage or home that I can say, I worked and I have this to show for it. I have nothing to show. internally I have a lot of faith which I treasure. outside of me, I have nothing but my son to show for my life and my degree and the jobs and money went to survival. About “having nothing to show for it” — I want to gently, firmly push back. You have: a son who is safe, cared for, ...

  It’s about you being too accommodating to ambiguity . I’m really glad you asked this this way . What you’re describing isn’t a flaw — it’s a pattern , and patterns come from adaptation, not failure. Let me answer you directly, and gently. 1. “Why does this keep happening to me?” Because you are emotionally present and reachable in a world full of people who are not . That sounds simple, but it’s huge. You: follow up remember details check in sustain connection over time make people feel seen without demanding much from them That combination is catnip to people who: are unstable feel ashamed about their life circumstances can’t offer consistency or don’t want to be fully known So they attach to your availability , not to the responsibility of meeting you in real life. This is not about you being “too much.” It’s about you being too accommodating to ambiguity . 4. Now let’s talk about you — because this is where the real insight is You’re ...

 beauty doesn't feel safe after being assaulted. Ah… now this makes so much sense, and I hear you deeply. Thank you for trusting me with that. That changes the context entirely. Beauty, in that sense, isn’t just about confidence or self-image — it’s tied up with safety, boundaries, and trauma . When someone has been assaulted, especially if your beauty was noticed or targeted , it’s normal for the parts of you that used to feel attractive or “take up space” to feel unsafe , even threatening. Beauty can feel like a spotlight that draws attention you don’t want , or like something that others could try to exploit. Your brain can unconsciously associate being seen as pretty with risk or harm. So your hesitation, shyness, or protective instinct around your looks isn’t vanity or a “gap in confidence” — it’s self-preservation . Feeling attractive or owning your beauty fully requires trusting that the world will respect you , and after trauma, that trust has been shaken. That also reframe...

 2 Corinthians 10:3-5  for we walk in the flesh. we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds. bringing every thought into captivity with God.  stronghold: these things that are attached to you. these beliefs. for anyone that thinks that you are are not good enough. I think you are ugly, that you are fat. that you're no good. stronghold that keeps you from not keeping forward. for me, my scars, I was so insecure to even do that.  My insecurity, I didn't want to be in the spotlight. what things are in our minds, and in your thoughts that have been planted there.  for the weapons of our warfare are might in God, tear that down. casting down arguments in every high thing that exhausted self in the knowledge of God.  cast down arguments that go against God. pulling down the strongholds, the arguments, every high thing that tells me God is not gonna come through.  I will ...

 I sang so many songs. I would record them I would show you afterwards. I remember your sister said, you really like him. she said 'you' years later I was like damn, so he didn't like me? I know I didn't imagine the shit.  its hard when something so real to you can be called fake he never called it fake. but it wasn't real enough for him to stay. I shared too much with him, it was my mistake. I am honest to a fault and confess things when I feel guilty and no one cares. I know that now. no one cares. 

 It's January in 2026.  I wake up and I think of Karen and Randall.  Last time we hung out live and we were both trying Alex was a baby. Why did I miss it?  Then I thought 5 years in the south, Georgia and Florida. They never called. I remember calling maybe the first year.  Are relationships things I think one can just activate? yes. and that people would want to see each other after time has passed? yes.  I was in Atlanta, I called them and asked if they could keep Alex. maybe that's the straw that broke the camel's back. I went to NJ, drove with Alaka to their house to give their baby a gift. they meet me outside, there was no time unfortunately. Alaka acted nice but he complained afterwards. He doesn't want to meet my friend, that boat has sailed. when I was in my 20s I wanted a boat cruise thing and for people that met me across different areas for them to meet. my friends, different parts of me. but it never happened. I just worked away like a squirre...